The Spirit Guides Me

As we touch the Temple, the Temple touches us

2010-03-18T09:36:00.002-07:00

In General Conference last year, they talked about touching the Temple, that even if you couldn't go into the Temple that you could go there and touch it, and that in doing so, it would touch you. I took my kids there and we walked around the grounds and eventually went up to the Temple and touched it. It was a really good experience for us all, and the kids still talk about it today.

A week ago yesterday I went through the Temple for my endowments. I was able to go with Barb and her parents. It was really quite amazing to me how wonderful the experience was, how spiritual it was, and how much sense it all made to me in terms of the order of things, the meaning of things, and the symbolism of what was conveyed. If you read on the internet about what "happens in the temple" from the people that hate Mormons, it is really quite shocking what they say. There are truly a lot of terrible things written about what happens in the Temple. I had gone to a Temple preparation class with Barbara and I was able to learn a great deal about the meaning and motivation of going to the Temple through my wonderful instructors. And going through the Temple for my endowments was a wholly wonderful experience, completely and utterly different than what I had read about it from the sites that supposedly inform people of what goes on there.

It is easy, VERY easy, to see how people would find the Temple or LDS faith to be cultish given what is written on the internet. Given what actually happens in the Temple, it is amazing how completely different it is from the stories people seem to tell of it.

I certainly can't speak for other people that have gone through for their endowments, and I can't speak for what happened in the past. But for myself, I can say that nothing even REMOTELY inappropriate occurred there, which is directly contrary to what people say "online".

I had taken to reading a few of the anti Mormon sites when my Mother had been researching the Church and she had encouraged me to read some of the information as she had done. At that time, I had already read some, but I read a great deal more to understand better where she was coming from. It makes sense how easy it would be to be frightened or in the very least concerned if you were not a member and read the information on the internet about the Church.

My time in the Temple up to now has been absolutely wonderful, rewarding, and extremely Spiritually fulfilling. I truly love being there, and I look forward to being sealed in the Temple this Saturday to my wonderful fiance'.

I can honestly say that the Temple has touched me. I look forward to going back often throughout my life and my marriage. It truly is a blessing, and it truly does bless us for going. I know because I have received a very specific and real, tangible blessing from going to the Temple, and I have written about that here in the past.

I am thankful that we have Temples here on the earth, and I look forward to my wife and I making our house "like unto a Temple".

Signs

2010-03-07T11:49:00.002-07:00

I haven't written in a long while. I've had reasons, some valid, some not. I could explain them, but they don't really matter, to be honest. The thing to do is to get started again. :)

First I think it would probably be a good idea to talk a bit about things that have happened in the past that I haven't written about. It is an obvious thing that I should have been writing more since it is so easy to forget things, especially as I get older.

One day last year I was driving to Barb's cousin's (Debi) house. My daughter Abbie was in the back seat with my son. She says to me, out of the clear blue sky "Daddy, you need to slow down". I didn't know why at the time she would say something like that since I was already going a little bit less than the speed limit. She said again "Daddy, slow down!". I did. She had never said anything like that to me before in my life. Next thing I know, a truck pulls out in front of me, clearly not having seen me, from a side street. I couldn't believe how hard I had to hit my brakes to not hit him. If I hadn't already slowed down, I wouldn't have been able to keep from hitting him.

The first time I tried to have family home evening with my kids, I had nothing other than the Book of Mormon that the Missionaries had given me. I felt full of the Spirit and confident in my ability to read to them from the scriptures. I got something like three or four verses in, and my then four year old son and two year old daughter, for some inexplicable reason, became bored. :) I eventually had successful family home evenings but they began with things like songs and pictures and props that the kids could more readily associate with and have fun with.

So I was surprised when Barb told me that she had a prompting to give my children each a hard cover Book of Mormon. I actually very nearly told her it was a bad idea. To be honest, the sentences had already formed in my head to tell her that she shouldn't do it, because they wouldn't be interested. But I have learned to follow and to honor promptings, and I am so glad I didn't say anything to counter Barb's prompting. So she gave each of them their own Book of Mormon with their name on it. I didn't think much of it since I had no real expectation of anything happening or any interest on the part of the kids. I think it was the next day that they both discovered pictures in their Book of Mormon. They asked me about the pictures, and I explained each of them to the best of my knowledge at the time. There was a picture of Joseph Smith, and a picture of Jesus among them. Also, there was a picture of Moroni with the gold plates in a box. Unbelievably to me, the next day, when Barb was over to the house for Family Home Evening, Alex began telling her what was in each of the pictures. At the time I had explained to the kids about the pictures, Abbie had listened very intently and Alex seemed decidedly disinterested. But here he was, pronouncing Joseph Smith correctly and telling Barb about each picture. I had thought my daughter the one most likely to remember things, and she did, but Alex, who I had written off as not getting ANYTHING out of my discussion, remembered virtually every word I had said!

Abbie began carrying her Book of Mormon around the house with her, and sleeping with it at night. She absolutely loves to just turn the pages and touch them, even though most of the time, the pages she is looking at only have writing she can't understand. Barb and I each hand wrote a short dedication in the front of both Books of Mormon.

Another time last year, my Mother came over to my house to watch the movie "Up" with my kids, Barbara and I. Abbie was still carrying her Book of Mormon with her EVERYWHERE, and so there she sat, next to her Grandma (my Mom), with her Book of Mormon. I quite literally could not believe my ears or my eyes when I saw Abbie hand the Book of Mormon to my Mom. She told my Mom, and I quote "Here. Hold this. You should read it." I felt really tiny in my chair, thinking that my Mother would think I had asked Abbie to say something like that to her, which I surely did NOT! My Mother was and still is quite negative about the Mormon Church, and I would absolutely not do anything to confront her with something about the Church and least of all would it be through actions of my daughter! But there was Abbie the little Missionary just barely three years old. I have a lot to learn from my kids!

I'll post more later on, but I wanted to capture a few things I could remember from the time I wasn't blogging (but should have been).

A Message to my Ward

2010-02-27T07:33:00.002-07:00

In early January of this year, I was asked to speak to my ward about Doctrine and Covenants 88. I put together an admittedly long talk, and I had figured I would pick and choose from it depending on whether I had fifteen minutes or as little as ten. As it turns out, all I really had was three minutes, and so I improvised and took four or five minutes to give the highlights of what I remembered from my talk merged with what the Spirit guided me to say. Here now, for future reference, is the entire talk I had intended to give that day.

I’d like to thank every person in this Ward that has inspired me with their life experiences, their testimonies or commentary. I’d like to thank every person that told me they were glad to see me here, invited me to their home, or just smiled at me in the hallways or at the grocery store. Those are things that make me feel welcome here. They are things that make me feel like one of you. And those feelings are more important than any of you realize.

The scripture I was asked to use as inspiration for my talk is Doctrine and Covenants 88 verse 133. Being new to the Church, I wasn’t completely familiar with when section 88 came about or why, so I took the liberty of looking it up. It turns out that it was a revelation given on December 27th, 1832, and it was about the Temple, the work of the ministry, and about schools.

One hundred and forty four years later, in 1976, then BYU President Dallin H. Oaks said of section 88 that “The Lord commanded that the teacher ‘should be first in the house, ... that he may be an example’ ”.

Then, in reference to 88-133 specifically, he says “The students must also be worthy.”.

But let’s read through D&C 88-133 itself now:

“Art though a brother or brethren?”

This first portion seems to make it clear that he is talking to everyone. There is no one excluded.

“I salute you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ,”

Elder Oaks explained that when the first LDS school was established, back in 1833, the teachers were instructed to say just that to the students as they entered the school.

“in token or remembrance of the everlasting covenant to fellowship,”

The teachers’ greeting to the student continued with that last bit. But there was more.

“in a determination that is fixed, immovable, and unchangeable, to be your friend and brother through the grace of God”

How much more steadfast in being your friend and brother could they possibly be than to have a determination, as they said, that is fixed, immovable, and unchangeable?!? Then, continuing...

“in the bonds of love, to walk in all the commandments of God blameless,”

This is precisely what we should all be striving for in this life.

“in thanksgiving, forever and ever, Amen.”

Now that we’ve heard the whole of D&C 88 verse 133, let us reflect on what it says and ponder how it might apply to us. First, I think in light of what Elder Oaks said, we need to be mindful that this verse in particular was a greeting given to each student that attended the school. Next, we need to remember that we are all students here to learn, every one of us.

To me, the single most important part of this entire verse is the part that reads: “...in a determination that is fixed, immovable, and unchangeable, to be your friend and brother through the grace of God...”

If I think of how my son Alex would explain this, he would speak of the love and friendship that the Transformer Bumblebee has for Sam Witwicky in the movie Transformers. Bumblebee isn’t related to Sam, he isn’t even a human being, he’s a giant robot that transforms into a car. But he cares for Sam and would do anything in his power to help him. Bumblebee goes so far as to very nearly sacrifice his own life to protect Sam. My son saw the movie Transformers and he has a very sincere love for Bumblebee, he adores him, and I submit to you that the reason my son Alex loves Bumblebee so very much is not because of how much the computers made him look real. It isn’t because of the voice acting or the special effects, it isn’t because he transforms - let’s face it, every transformer in the movie transforms; rather it is because Bumblebee, more than any other character in the entire movie, including Sams’ own parents, risks his life to protect Sam.

I personally think it is extremely important to note that in almost the entire movie, Bumblebee has no dialogue. He shows Sam that he cares through his actions, not his words.

If my son, who was just three years old when he first saw the movie, could identify how genuinely Bumblebee cared for Sam, how he was his friend, how he sacrificed of himself, then imagine how easily an adult or young adult in our ward can identify these things?

Again, the portion of my assigned scripture I am most interested in talking to you about today is - “...in a determination that is fixed, immovable, and unchangeable, to be your friend and brother through the grace of God...”

Let me now reflect upon my daughter Abbie. She has only recently turned three. In 2007, one of the movies I saw with my kids was called “Wall-E”. In this movie, there is again, virtually no dialogue from the main characters. In the entire first half of the movie, there is no dialogue at all! We see the movie’s namesake, Wall-E going about his daily life and eventually encountering another robot we will call “Eva”. It turns out her name is Eve, but Wall-E can’t get the name quite right, so he calls her “Eva”.

As we watch the movie, we see what amounts to a courtship between two robots. In the first three quarters of the movie, it is very one sided, Wall-E is courting Eva, but Eva could basically care less. It is only later, when Eva realizes just how much Wall-E cares for her, that she is able to return the favor. When Wall-E needs her most, when he is near to death himself, Eva is there for him. Eva makes it abundantly clear that she will do absolutely anything it takes to help Wall-E.

My daughter Abbie, who was just two years old when she first saw the movie, absolutely adored Eva, and she still does. She talked about how Eva helped Wall-E, and how much Wall-E needed Eva’s help to survive.

As God’s children, we need to take this to heart. One last time, from the scripture - “...in a determination that is fixed, immovable, and unchangeable, to be your friend and brother through the grace of God...” Realize the last part of that - “through the grace of God”. It doesn’t say “easily”, it doesn’t say “by accident”, and it sure doesn’t say “without any effort”.

I have to extend a sincere thank you to all the members of the ward that were here for me when I joined. The people that knew my name, that knew how to pronounce it. The people that showed me how happy they were that I was here. The people that continued to do those things long after I was Baptized. I needed those things. They helped me, and they continue to help me. The truth is, we all need those things. And we need them almost all the time, whether we realize it or not. Who here can say they don’t feel better when someone reaches out to them with a sincere heart?

This is a ward family, and we need to treat each other as family, but we also need to take it further when we can. I testify to you that reaching out to others is something that helps you as much if not more than the people you reach out to! If you are down and feel like you are having a bad day - look around you, there is probably someone here that is worse off than you are. See if you can help cheer them up, you might find it helps you deal with your own situation.

I think the most important part of all of this is to really understand the time frame involved here. It might be easy to think of how important it is to be there for a new member that is just investigating the Church. It might be easy to think of trying to help the member that just stopped going to Church.

I submit to you that perhaps the most important time is actually in between.

Think of all the people that are here in the ward, that first arrived to the ward strong, and that everyone just assumes is still just as strong today in their faith as when they first got here.. There is a transition that happens between being strong in faith and losing faith. For most people, that transition doesn’t happen overnight. It happens over weeks, or months... or years.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately of how to make certain that my upcoming marriage will be for all eternity. I think it is extremely critical that I never stop dating Barbara. No matter how busy I get, no matter how much I think she knows that I love her, I need to continue doing all the things I do now while we are dating, and then some.

Our ward is the same way. We need to be there for our members whether they just joined, whether they just left, or whether they have been here for years and seem to be extremely strong in their faith.

We all need to be uplifted, and we can all do that for each other. I believe very strongly that a huge part of what keeps people active in the Church is recharging their spiritual batteries. This comes from reading scripture, from family home evening, and from going to the entire three hour block on Sundays. But another part of that is the feeling that you belong, the feeling that you are loved, the feeling that people have your back. Without that, the journey feels a little more lonely. And we shouldn’t have that in a ward family.

Jesus Christ atoned for all of our sins in the garden of Gethsemane. He alone saved us all.

We, together, need to do what we can for our ward members. All of them.

I leave you with one of my most favorite scriptures from all of the Bible, a scripture that, when I have it sincerely in my heart, allows me to be absolutely righteous:

From St. Matthew Chapter 25, verse 40:
“...Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”

Let us reach out to our brethren, be there for them, raise them up in their times of need. Our entire ward is strengthened when we help one another.

I testify to you my true and complete belief that the Book of Mormon was translated by the Prophet Joseph Smith. I testify to you that Thomas S. Monson is our Prophet today. I testify to you that through the Holy Ghost, through a sincere and soft heart, that we can do absolutely anything we set our minds to do.

I say all of these things in the blessed and sacred name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Engaging the Spirit

2009-08-26T15:56:00.002-07:00

My life has been truly amazing this year. Putting my old life behind me has been INCREDIBLY uplifting - seeing the JOY in the faces of my kids compared to even just last December is absolutely wondrous.

Being able to spend time with Barbara has been a great thing for myself as well as the kids. They REALLY needed a positive adult female relationship in their lives, and it is so obvious how much they enjoy Barb! Any time Barb is not around, they ask about her, they want to know what she is doing, how she is, when they will see her next, and why Barb can't be with us RIGHT NOW! :) They love her, they say prayers about her, they thank God for her, they even thank God for her when they bless their food.

I love Barb. I love being with her, I love talking to her, I love experiencing things with her, I love playing games with her and playing with the kids with her. She is kind, she is Spiritual, she is loving, she is thoughtful, and she is my companion.

She and I have prayed about each other, reflected on our feelings toward each other and our future. We have both gone to the Temple and prayed about our future as well. We discussed our thoughts on the matter and we were both of the same mind, and after reflecting on it a lot, last week, things really felt like they had come together and that the time was right.

So last week I began preparing for this past Monday. I spent a week thinking about and preparing for Monday. Monday is when I proposed to Barbara. :)

Every Monday at about 6:30pm, Barbara comes over to my house to watch the TV show LOST on DVD. We are re-watching seasons 1 through 5 in preparation of season 6 in January of 2010. This Monday, however, was different, but Barb didn't really know that until she got to my house.

She came inside and I gave her a very enjoyable hug and kiss. Then I stepped back a bit and held her hands and talked to her about what would unfold that evening. Dropping to one knee, I proposed to my beloved Barbara, and she said yes! :) She loved the ring I had picked out, and it was the right size (which had been a merely educated guess on my part). I then showed her the two dozen purple roses I had gotten her (in a HUGE glass vase) - I knew purple was her favorite color, but what I didn't know was that purple roses were her favorite flowers. So that worked out well! :)

Then I grabbed a picnic supper I had packed for us along with my scripture case and we got into the car. I didn't tell her where we were going, but we called some family and friends on the way there to let them know we were officially engaged. Our destination was to a place I knew would be good for us given what we most enjoyed in our time together. Companionship, beautiful surroundings, a place with a good feeling of Spirit, time to sit and talk. I was bringing us to the Mesa Temple. She eventually figured it out and she was happy about it. :)

We sat and ate the picnic supper I had packed and talked while we ate. We saw many families at the Temple for their family home evening. When we were done eating, I read her some scripture that I felt was especially relevant to us as a couple, and about her specifically. We held each other for a while and talked some more.

After putting the lunch bags and scripture case in the car, we strolled around the Temple, talking, reflecting, thinking. It was extremely peaceful and pleasant. The weather was absolutely PERFECT - it was hard to believe it was August in Arizona! We talked about our wedding day and so many other things. We made plans for our future and held hands. We hugged; we kissed; we laughed; we cried; we touched the Temple together. We shared our time together as companions, as Spirits engaged.

We dropped the flowers off to Barb's house (there is no way they could have survived a trip in an unattended passenger seat - they would have tipped over), and stopped in at some friends' houses that were near her home. We returned to my house and took an engagement photo, and then she departed for the evening.

Barb returned home to discover that I had asked her best friend to distribute purple rose petals in her home along with a note from me. She read the note and gave me a call. We talked briefly about our night together and our future together.

The next morning Barb discovered I had asked someone at her work to drop off a wrapped gift and card from me on her desk. She called me and her entire class of kids let me know how they felt about it. :)

My kids and I stopped by her work for lunch that day and it was nice to let the kids see the ring on her finger and to let her know how much they loved her.

Barbara is a fine lady. She brings out the best in me. She is beautiful, she is wonderful, and I want to spend time and all eternity with her.

We will be married March 20th, 2010, at 2pm. :)

"I just want a Bible. With Jesus in it!"

2009-08-21T09:22:00.002-07:00

Abbie, crying: "Daddy, I have an owie!!"

Daddy: "Would you like Daddy to kiss it?"

Abbie, still crying: "No. I just want a Bible. With Jesus in it!"

Daddy hands her her Bible.

Abbie, no longer crying: "Thanks Daddy, I'm all better now!"

She just warms my heart so much. :)

My own personal Temple blessing

2009-08-18T07:48:00.002-07:00

I wrote a while ago about having visited the Temple. I'm due to go back soon and I look forward to that very much. What I didn't write about my previous visit though, was a blessing I had received.

I have been blessed by my visit to the Temple, and the blessing has remained in place, unwavering, ever since. The blessing is very personal, but I wanted to share about it as much as I can because it was EXTREMELY tangible - it happened immediately after my Temple visit, and it hasn't left me since.

So, let me tell you what I can of this blessing. First, I can say that before this particular visit to the Temple that I had been struggling with a particular temptation. I had found a way to be successful in not SUCCUMBING to this particular temptation, but here is the thing - nothing I did prevented me from being tempted. There is a big difference between not being tempted and in finding a way to deal with the temptation! No matter what I did, I couldn't get the temptation to go away, so I just focused on not succumbing. That had gone on for several months.

Then I went to the Temple, not thinking about this temptation one bit while I was there - in fact, my mind was completely focused on the trip, the work, the joy of finally being there.

...and then I got home. It was just a few hours after getting home that I noticed the temptation was gone. I remember thinking "that is nice...". And the next day it was gone too. And the next.

It has been gone ever since.

I cannot tell you how much of a blessing this has been for me! The Temple is a truly wondrous place and wondrous things happen there.

I have received my very own personal Temple blessing...

...and I have only begun to see the smallest of the blessings in store.

The flight of the Spirit

2009-07-26T08:59:00.002-07:00

I've been on the ride of my life lately. I think back over the last few months and it is just flat out unbelievable how much my life has changed.

My divorce finished on the last day of December, last year, and my kids have transitioned from being depressed, unhappy, yet tolerant, to being VERY happy kids. They are sitting here playing in this same room, having so much fun together. I've been amazingly blessed to have such wonderful kids and I feel so very fortunate to have them in a MUCH healthier environment now than what they spent the first few years of their lives in.

I moved into a new house in mid January, and I remember the day I closed on the house. So many MANY months of work and planning, hoping, even praying, and I was fortunate enough to actually be able to buy the new house. The complications involved were many, but in the end it happened. The day I closed on the house, I brought the kids to it, we sat down in their room and I tried to tell them of my hopes and dreams with the new house. I talked to them about what the future might hold for us. I told them of the things that were behind us. We cried together. We said some prayers together. My heart was filled with relief, joy, and fear.

I had taken all of the money in my bank and put it into a down payment on the new house, putting 20% down on it and spending the rest in upgrades for the house (things like tiling the entire house). I did this two weeks before 10% of the people where I worked got laid off. I knew it was a risk that I could have done all of these things only to lose my job, but I felt it was the right choice. I didn't know it at the time, but I was following a prompting with respect to knowing somehow for sure that I wouldn't be laid off.

Fast forward a few months and I was moved into the new house, the kids had a brand new bunk bed that they LOVED (and still do), a play room with toys in it that they can make as big a mess in as they want, a back yard with grass and trees to play in, parks close by with slides and all kinds of other fun things... We had turned our lives around, life was good. It was in the middle of this time that I found the Church, an old friend sent Missionaries to me, I joined the Church, and shortly thereafter, I was Baptized. It was during this process that I began this blog.

I made so many friends at Church, learned SO much, followed the teachings, and really embraced a whole new way of life. Fast forward a few more months, and something truly wondrous happened. After struggling with finding a companion to spend my time with, she was finally revealed to me. I began spending time with someone that I just couldn't believe was there for me. I was in a relationship of the kind I had previously only ever dreamed of. Spending time with them, I felt as though I had known her my entire life, we just FIT - we had so many good experiences together, and I can truly say I have been growing into an even better person through her.

Fast forward a few more months, and I have now been spending a lot of time with Barbara. We've been able to spend time with my kids, and we have been blessed with some really amazing times together. Some of my favorite moments have been simple quiet times, holding Barbara's hand while we watch the kids play happily together. During those moments, it is easy to picture what the future holds for us. The road we are on is not a short one, and there are many hurdles in our path, but I think it is a very fine road we travel indeed.

My parents aren't in the Church, and so they don't understand it. I see the importance of explaining things to them, of trying to help them understand why it is so important to me. Recently, I had the opportunity to go to the Temple for Baptisms for the dead for the first time. This was a very powerful experience for me. I finally realized more clearly how important it is for us to help as many people as we can that weren't able to receive the ordinances of the Church while here on earth. At the time I went to the Temple, they explained to me that we now have one hundred and thirty Temples spread throughout the world, on every continent. The president and his wife explained that when they were young, there were only a mere seven Temples (and I think at that time they were all on the same continent).

To think of how much the Church has grown in just their lifetime, to think of how much good work is done in those Temples every day, to think of how much the Church will grow during my lifetime... it is a good feeling. We have a lot of work to do, and it feels like the momentum of the Church is growing. You can't help but look at the events taking place in the world today and wonder about how much longer it will be before Jesus comes again. Perhaps there is a reason we are doing so much more work in our Temples now than we did in the past...

I feel like I have been on a flight with the Spirit these past few months. We are scarcely halfway through the year and I feel like I have progressed more in my life this year than I have in the entire rest of my life! Seeing how far I have come this year already, it shows me just a small glimpse of what my future has in store for me. :)

Onest Upon a Time...

2009-06-23T21:31:00.002-07:00

You read that right.

Tonight, after the kids and I had our family home evening and I had tucked them both in bed, my two year old daughter came to me in my bedroom (as I was working on homework) and she said:

"Daddy, I want to tell you a bedtime story. Onest upon a time, there was a big dad. And I loved him. THE END!"

She just melts my heart. :)

And my son, his bedtime prayer tonight was pretty cool. I was a bit dense and didn't quite get it at first.

"Dear Heavenly Father, I want to thank God for God. Amen."

What could we possibly be more thankful for than for God being there in the first place?

I have a lot to learn from my kids, that is for sure.

Selfless Service

2009-06-01T09:08:00.002-07:00

I was doing some web searching the other day on something COMPLETELY different, and accidentally found this post: Selfless Service. Initially I was going to just skip over it since it was clearly NOT what I was searching for, but then I decided to read it anyway. I am glad I did.

"Later, the bishop said he had talked to the young people and they had caught the vision and spirit of our previous conversation. They wanted to sacrifice their adventure trip and donate all the money to the general missionary fund. They asked if they could come and bring the check and have their picture taken with me as they made the donation, and could they have the picture and an article put into the news?

I surprised him again. I said no. Then I said, “You might consider helping your young people learn a higher law of recognition. Recognition from on high is silent. It is carefully and quietly recorded there. Let them feel the joy and gain the treasure in their heart and soul that come from silent, selfless service.”"

When I first read that portion, I was really taken aback. These young kids in the Church had given up an adventure trip for which they had worked hard to obtain money and were instead going to give the money to the general missionary fund. This was truly a selfless act. Seemingly all they wanted was to have a photo taken with the person that had instilled this idea in them. Why would he deny them even that?

I think our youth need positive reinforcement. I think they need more than ONLY selfless service, more than ONLY doing things for others. Over time they will learn the benefits of doing things for others and will do so without a need for personal recognition. So I think what happened here with these children, if they understood it, was likely a very positive experience. I hope their parents talked with them about it and explained whatever they might not have initially understood.

There is a message in this for all of us, myself most definitely included. I know when I do things for others selflessly and get no acknowledgement of it, that I am filled with a sense of fulfillment. I also know that I don't do this often enough. I am planning to take steps to do more selfless service for my brothers and sisters.

A Night at the Stake Center

2009-05-31T07:30:00.002-07:00

So last night I was at the Stake Center ostensibly to see and hear Elder Scott. What I didn't realize was how each and every one of the speakers would touch me.

My Stake President is a really fine man. I have only heard him speak twice now, but I have really enjoyed both times. He clearly speaks from the heart, he truly cares about the membership of his Stake, and he loves his Church a great deal. He spoke on many subjects, but one thing that really amazed me is that as he spoke of Missionary work it was as though he already knew what I was going to say. Without our having talked about it at all, he really put down the foundation upon which my talk could rest. I was touched by what he said and I am quite thankful to have him as my Stake President.

Then I gave my talk as I showed in my previous post.

Next up was one of my Stake Presidents' counselors. This was the same gentleman that conducted my interview for the Melchizedek Priesthood. He spoke of the people that had been brought there that were not members. It was an easy thing to put myself in their shoes because that is where I was not very long ago. His message was a good one and I think it was well received by anyone with an open heart.

Then, someone I had not expected (or known about) at all - a member of the Quorum of the Seventy spoke. He opened his talk in a language I actually did not recognize at all. I was quite impressed as he stated that he was obedient to his wife, that his wife had asked that he deliver a message, that the people that needed to receive the message had received it. Then he proceeded to talk about a great many things. His sincerity was obvious as he shared many stories with us all. One story that really affected me was his transition from asking Missionaries what they had learned each morning in studying the scripture to sharing with them what HE had learned each morning. We can teach so much by example that sometimes I think we forget and end up taking steps to try to force (or coerce) people into doing what we desire of them. The old saying about flies and honey springs to mind. His discussion of the Missionaries reaction to his teaching was good to hear. Another story he told that touched me personally was when he talked about his son speaking. His son reflected to the assembled people that one of the most powerful things that had affected him in his youth was when he would go upstairs and find his Father studying scripture.

Next up was Elder Scott. It was amazing in many many ways to see and hear him. His sense of humor, even in the face of adversity was striking! He had some difficulty with his computer for a while, and he made three or four comments during that time that really surprised me. One was something along the lines of "Switching computers is like meeting a new friend - you need to find common ground". Another was something like "I wish this computer wasn't from Argentina - their computers are masculine. If this computer was feminine, it would be a little more friendly to me." The actual words of his remarks were not as important to me as the very casual way he shared a positive minded thought while he truly struggled with the computer. From where I sat, I could see his actions - somehow the computer was trying to connect to the internet, and also he was in Photoshop. He kept trying to open the document he wanted and it wasn't there. I know Photoshop extremely well, and was just five feet from him. Being a computer person, on the one hand I was extremely tempted to try to help him, but something told me that there was a problem going on that I wouldn't be able to solve. On the one hand, I was thinking that I could look in his recent documents or even do a search of all photoshop files on his computer in an attempt to find what he was looking for. I even thought of searching for image files (like jpeg, tif or gif) in case that was what format his content was in. But again I received a prompting that I didn't know what he needed and I would only further delay his getting to the information he desired. This confused me because I really thought I should be able to help him.

Then, a little later, amid his continuing dialog, and after a computer reboot, he left Photoshop entirely, launched Wordperfect, and found his presentation there. It wasn't IN Photoshop at all. So no matter how many perfect searches I looked up on his computer, no matter how many file types I knew of, no matter HOW WELL I knew Photoshop, I wouldn't have been able to help him one bit.

Then he shared a new way to learn from the scripture. You begin with an establishing statement - something like "I can prepare myself to be closer to the Holy Ghost by". Then, as you read passages of scripture, you find evidence of things people have done or had evidenced to them to accomplish the establishing statement. One example he gave was Enos 1:10: "And while I was thus struggling in the spirit, behold, the voice of the Lord came into my mind again, saying: I will visit thy brethren according to their diligence in keeping my commandments." (Note that while there is more in that verse, what I have written here is all that he showed us on the projector). The moment he asked the question "What do we see here that addresses our foundational statement?" I saw it - the section stating "I will visit thy brethren according to their diligence in keeping my commandments." I raised my hand, but being behind him, he didn't see me. :) It was great to see an Apostle teach in such an open way, asking questions, having people respond. I think everyone learned more by his way of teaching than if he had simply "told us" what he wanted to say. By going through the steps, going through the motions, showing us by example, we all learned more I think.

Finally, his example of trying to hard to copy scripture notes from someone (I wish I could remember who - I think it was an Apostle, and I think it was while he was a Mission President) really touched me. The person whose scripture notes he was trying to copy (staying up until 4:30am copying them diligently, only getting through as far as Mormon) actually was so impressed that he had someone type up all of his notes. He sent them all to Elder Scott, who, I believe, copied them all into his own scriptures. Then Elder Scott said to us something like "If it was THAT important to them to share the notes they had in their scriptures with a young Mission President, then I decided it was pretty important to read the scripture. And I did, and have continued to."

A large portion of Elder Scott's message last night was about us reading scripture every day. I will certainly be making a great effort to do so.

Five Minutes

2009-05-30T22:21:00.002-07:00

I had five minutes to talk before Elder Scott tonight. I could not BELIEVE how many people were there, no one had adequately warned me...

I think I did manage to deliver it how I had hoped. The speakers tonight - ALL OF THEM were really really excellent. Lesson learned - I should have brought paper and pencil to take notes. I won't make that mistake again!

I have placed the text of the talk I gave below. The words on "paper" honestly do not deliver the message the same way as when I speak them. But this should give you the core of what I intended to communicate to people.

When I first received news of being given this amazing opportunity to be up here on the stand with an Apostle, my immediate thought was – “I have so much I want to say, what can I do in just five minutes?” Then, just a few days ago, it really dawned on me just how very precious five minutes can be.

Earlier this year I moved into a new house and hired Carlos to lay tile. I didn’t know Carlos – he was recommended to me by a friend. Carlos told me that he would be unavailable for a week before I needed him to put the tile in. Later, while he was working on my house, he explained that his daughter had been struggling and that his entire family had taken a week to work with her and to try to help her with some issues she was having. After talking to Carlos for less than five minutes, I realized just how lucky his daughter was that she had a Father and a family that cared that much for her. That was in January. I learned just a few days ago that Carlos is Mormon.

A decade ago, I formed a gaming group of about forty people, and we had fun playing computer games most weekends. Almost all of us were interested in gaming ANY TIME that we could get together, but two of them seemed to always be busy when I would try to schedule something on Sunday. Time and time again, they had other plans. Eventually I realized they were NEVER available to play games on Sundays. Then, one at a time, they both went on their missions – one to Mexico, the other to Spain. I learned that they were Mormon, and I realized that it took them only SECONDS to tell me that they had other plans on their Sundays, but in doing so, they had impressed upon me just how important the Sabbath day was to them. In March of this year, one of these two good friends Baptized me, and the other Confirmed me.

Twenty four years ago, I met a young LDS man named Scott Driggs at Poston Junior High; he was a jock, one of the most popular kids in the entire school, someone I had nothing in common with. I was new there, having just moved to Arizona from Missouri, but Scott would talk to me almost every day, for no reason at all other than to kindly inquire as to what was going on in my life that day. Earlier this year, after reading his message in my Junior High yearbook, I made contact again, and talked to him about the Mormon Church. After asking me if it was ok, he took five minutes to request some missionaries to come to my home, which ultimately lead to me being here today.

I beg of you – NEVER underestimate what you can do in five minutes. In my case, it took being around Mormon people for twenty four years before my heart softened enough to let the Holy Ghost in. But I can tell you in sincerity that I needed each and every one of those five minute interactions for me to be where I am today.

The missionaries that came to my house didn’t come there by just knocking on random doors – someone sent them to my home – someone that took the time to ask them to. If YOU know of someone that might be receptive to the Church, get your missionaries involved! Don’t just assume the missionaries will find people by randomly knocking on doors – they need our help.

Know in your heart with certainty that when you go about your daily life, when you hold the Sabbath day holy, when you talk to people about your beliefs, when you live as much like Jesus Christ as you are able, that you have an impact on other people’s lives. You may not see the result today, or tomorrow, or even in twenty four years. But in less than five minutes, YOU may just bring another soul to God.

An Apostle of our Lord

2009-05-27T06:27:00.002-07:00

In less than a week, an Apostle will be here in Arizona - Elder Scott. It is interesting to think - with all our technology, all our ability to communicate rapidly and "get the word out", the news stations and newspapers and magazines don't talk about Elder Scott coming to Arizona. In days long ago, from scripture, in those comparatively primitive times, people proclaimed the arrival of an Apostle when they would visit a town. Now granted, maybe not everyone was happy about their coming back then, but I think most everyone at least KNEW...

Not only is an Apostle coming, and not only will I have two opportunities to hear him speak, but I have actually been asked to speak on Saturday, during the Adult Session of my Stake Conference. This puts me on the stand just a few feet from him for the entire session. What a blessing this will be!

I was inspired a few days ago with the talk I will give, and I hope it is well received. I have felt from first joining the Church that I have an important message to bring to its' membership. This talk on Saturday gives me an opportunity to share that message with even more people.

This weekend should be an absolutely incredible experience.

The Spirit of Companionship

2009-05-24T21:25:00.003-07:00

Finding my path in this life has been a true and wondrous blessing.

I ended my night at Church with another amazing fireside tonight. I have been so very very fortunate to have had specific messages sent to me from each fireside I have been to. Tonight was no exception. I was touched deeply by their message and afterwards, I thanked the couple that spoke. As I shook their hands, I could feel the Spirit inside them.

The husband shook my hand and took some extra time to talk with me. He looked deep into my eyes, grabbed my shoulder with force and told me that he could see that I was touched by the Spirit. He told me that he knew if I followed the clean path that good things would happen to me. I confess I don't remember every individual word he spoke, but it was as if we spoke spirit to spirit. He really touched my soul, and I could feel the truth of what he said in the core of my very being.

I have been extremely fortunate to have found some incredible friends in the Church. I cannot describe in words how just seeing them in Church fills me with joy and happiness - knowing that they are there to hear the message of our Heavenly Father, that they too are on the path. Seeing a dear friend walking in and out of the sacrament meeting with her lovely new baby. Knowing that as much as I wish she could stay there next to her husband, daughters and son that she is still able to hear from outside the main room. Seeing either of two policemen that I have grown to respect and care about because of the difficulties they struggle with in their lives. Seeing a man who I have known only a short while but who seems to get closer to the Spirit each Sunday.

There are so many people there now, that I know little tidbits about. Things that make them a bit more my brothers and sisters. Whether it be hurts they have experienced or joys that have happened, children they are proud of, whatever it might be - I see them, and I know a little of their journey down this path we call life.

Some of them have been praying for me. Some have been looking out for me. Some just wish me well. On Sundays it is as if I can feel each one of those individual prayers and well wishes falling upon me and caressing my spirit. This has gone on for a long while now.

And there has been fruit borne of these many prayers and well wishes. I had prayed to find someone to spend time with. For a time, I tried to envision what sort of person my prayer could possibly manifest, and my only conclusion was a horrific one unfortunately.

What lady could there possibly be, that had been raised in the Church, had gone on a mission, had a sense of humor and common interests to my own? What lady could there possibly be that was all of those things and had not married? I concluded with certainty that there could be none. To my dismay, the only such lady I could envision would be one that had been married, and sadly was a widow. And I could not bring myself to wish for someone to be widowed. So, for a time, I thought that I would have to move beyond the veil to find what my heart longed for.

But some time ago, a friend heard of someone that I might be interested in. They arranged for me to get in touch with her. I wrote to her, I spoke with her on the phone, and she seemed extremely enjoyable. We had a good time talking, even on spiritual subjects.

We met and I was overjoyed to find that she was not only beautiful, but intelligent, had an excellent sense of humor, and I really began to notice some common interests.

Another outing and we found ourselves talking until past midnight. I thoroughly enjoy talking to her. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I haven't known her for years - she is so easy to talk to and have fun with, that it is easy to be fooled into thinking we have known each other for a long long time.

I don't know precisely where this will lead, but I know my spirit is happy to have found a companion to talk to and spend some time with. I look forward to going to the Temple with her, to going to Church with her, and to talking more with her.

The spirit of companionship for me is having someone with which to share my feelings. Talking with someone that I enjoy listening to as much as I enjoy sharing stories with. Spending time with someone that can have a good time when it is so dark out that we can scarcely even see the outlines of what we are there to look at (we were at a bird sanctuary WELL past sunset and still had a blast! :). Someone with whom I am happier.

I have found such a person, and my heart is filled with joy for having found them.

In 1 Nephi, Chapter 8, verse 14, Lehi is standing at the Tree of Life. It reads: "...I beheld your Mother Sariah, and Sam, and Nephi; and they stood as if they knew not whither they should go."

And verse 16: "And it came to pass that they did come unto me and partake of the fruit also."

I read those words for the first time months ago now. From the very first reading, I have heard a strong voice inside my heart that I need to find a companion. Even from that time, I knew that the only way I would find that companion was to grab hold of the iron rod and to follow the path to the tree.

In Lehi's case, he was standing at the tree waiting for Sariah to join him.

In the story that is my life, I think Sariah has been waiting at the tree for Lehi.

A Busy Spirit

2009-05-08T16:20:00.004-07:00

Life has been a real blur of late - things are really picking up and moving along.

I was blessed to have been told about a charity concert for the Nielsons, a family that has been struck by much tragedy ( http://www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com ). I bought a ticket and went to the concert and it was really amazing. SO many people volunteered their time to help this family, it was just a very touching experience. I've been working on a video of the concert because Stephanie Nielson couldn't be there (she was having surgery). I took some video footage while I was there (it was my first time really ever shooting video), and was very fortunate to get some clean audio tracks of the event to mix in. Currently I have the audio synced up to the video (that took a little doing) and am waiting on some video footage from someone else that shot video there. Hopefully I'll have that soon. Once I have everything together, I'll probably post some highlights here for anyone interested.

One of the people I met at the concert was Debbie West Coon ( http://www.debbiewestcoon.com ). She put in so much time organizing the event, finding artists to contribute, and generally making it happen that she didn't even have time to practice much (if at all) herself before going on stage. She has a really beautiful voice! She was interested in a music video and although I told her I was new to video (I have been a professional photographer for years now though), she is still interested. I'll be doing it for free, for two reasons - for one, I am certainly not a professional videographer (yet!), and for another, I really felt that after all the work she put into making the charity a reality that she deserved something in return! I am really looking forward to working on this with her! :)

Speaking of music, I have story boarded (ie, made crude sketches of what I want to film) the video for the song I wrote last month. I've contacted several models and am working on getting some initial video footage to start working with. I bought the lens and steadycam equipment I will need for filming this. So far I have received the lens, still waiting on the steadycam equipment (it should arrive next week). I am really getting excited about this! I think for my first draft I'll just film the scenes, cut them together, and then put some generic background music to go with it. Then I'll have the words come up as the video progresses. Maybe by taking that video to some musicians and singers I can find some people to make my vision a reality.

To that end, I've been teaching myself Adobe Premiere for the last few weeks so that I can do some video cut work and audio sync work as well. This has been a huge learning experience for me since I haven't really ever been into video until now.

I took my literally very first video footage I had shot with the new camera (taken at Easter) along with some photos I took at Easter and put together a very short (one minute) video to teach myself how to put photos and video together in a movie. I tried to have the photos appear in rhythm with the music and I think that worked out pretty well. The two kids in the video are my beautiful children, who I love and adore with all my heart.

If your computer can handle it, this is the HD version of the video: HD version

High quality version (a little lower cpu requirement): high quality

Minimum quality version, should work on any computer and even some cell phones: minimum quality

In other news, I have been very blessed in my experiences with the Spirit. Some recent activity would be that I have received the Aaronic Priesthood and began blessing the Sacrament. Since I have been recently Baptized, blessing the Sacrament to me is an act of extreme importance and something I took very seriously each time I performed it. I had noticed that some of the people that blessed the Sacrament had done so for so long that the words just seemed to rush out of their mouths as they said them. I have felt that one of the things I bring uniquely to my ward is a fresh look at things that may have become "normal" to others. When I gave the blessing at Easter time I felt it was even more important, so as I had done before, I put my heart into how I said the words aloud and I really felt the Spirit as I did so. Later in the Sacrament meeting, a fellow ward member that was speaking to everyone present mentioned that it had touched him how I had said the words. I have to admit it felt very good to know that I wasn't the only one that felt the Spirit as I said those very important words!

My calling is to be a ward Missionary, which I have to say really felt good. I had frankly no concept whatsoever of what my calling would be, but this really seemed a good fit to me. I have gone out twice now as a Missionary and it was a very rewarding experience both times.

I have also been reading more about the Melchizedek Priesthood, as I am go receive this priesthood later this month. The more I learn about it, the more blessed I feel to be able to receive this Priesthood. I now realize what I can provide for my children that I could not have ever given them if I had not found this Church! I count my Blessings now so many times a day it amazes me.

I have also found out about Patriarchal Blessings. When I heard what they were and realized that most everyone I knew in the Mormon Church had had one for so many years of their life to help guide them on their way, I truly knew I needed to take the steps to obtain one of my own. As it turns out, no sooner had I gotten my recommend that the Stake Patriarch had to go out of town. He will be returning this very weekend, and I so very much look forward to receiving my Patriarchal Blessing on Sunday!

I am also now finally able to go to the Temple with a limited-use recommend. I look forward to being able to be of service to those that need my help there.

There are so many parts of my life that are coming together right now, both Spiritually and Temporally. It has been an interesting journey to realize that the closer my Spirit gets to God, the more in line my Temporal being gets in terms of a balanced life.

I've been a very busy person in the last month, and things look to be getting even busier in the future, but this journey I am on - it is a very good one. I have had four occasions in just the last month at firesides where a speaker has touched me so very much with the message they had to provide. When I think about how much I gain from going to Church and firesides it really helps me realize that making the time is a simple thing to do if you have your priorities straight. :)

A Song From A Vision

2009-04-16T00:19:00.003-07:00

I have been having a vision lately. I see it in my dreams, I hear it in my mind, I see it when I am driving. It keeps coming to me again and again.

It is a song about my journey. The song talks about my life before, it talks about the Missionaries coming, it talks about my Baptism, and it talks about the day I go to Temple.

I have managed to get the words to the song down on paper. I have a vision still of the scenes that go with the song, so I am going to try to record those scenes on video. I have started the ball rolling to find someone to sing this song and someone to write the music to go with it. I really hope I am able to make this vision in my mind a reality that I can share with others.

Here are the words to the song (Titled: Perfect White):

My life, it was fine without You
It was fine... because I didn't know
This whole time, You were right here with me
You were in my heart, You were in my soul

Your perfect words, You sent them to me
My hard heart, became soft, set free
Your word, so beautiful, so true
Perfect White, Perfect White

Nature's water, underneath I go
My thoughts, my deeds, You knew them all
The bad from me, away did flow
Through you, I am made Perfect White

Through Your door, inside I go
The future I see, Your love I know
I give to You, You reveal to me
So white! Perfect White!

Soften my heart
So I let You in
I'll never let go
Not ever again!

Nature's water, underneath I go
My thoughts, my deeds, You knew them all
The bad from me, away did flow
Through you, I am made Perfect White

Through your door, inside I go
The future I see, Your love I know
I give to You, You reveal to me
So white! Perfect White!

Soften my heart
So I let You in
I'll never let go
Not ever again!

Through Your door, inside I go
The future I see, Your love I know
I give to You, You reveal to me
So white! Perfect White!

I'll never let go
Not ever again!

Temple Thoughts

2009-04-04T21:05:00.003-07:00

It has been quite a while now since my visit to Draper Temple. I wanted some time to really dwell on my thoughts and feelings from my visit there before writing about it in depth. Snippets of time to really think in quiet solitude haven't been easy to come by of late, so it took a while before I was ready to make this post.

I think a brief reflection on my photography will help me explain my feelings from the Temple.

I took a course on photography once - a two day class. It is the only class on photography I've ever taken. One of the most significant things I took away from that class has had a profound effect on my entire life. My favorite instructor there showed us in a myriad ways why simplifying what we took photos of made the photos better.

Over the years since I took that course, I have seen the truth of it - my own photos have really gotten a lot better as I try to simplify what is in them. The more "clutter" in the photo, the more the viewer is distracted from the subject.

When I moved into my new house early this year, I sought to truly simplify my home, to declutter it, to maintain a non cluttered environment. It has REALLY helped me more than I can describe. For some reason, being surrounded by clutter is something that, for me, is VERY distracting, even depressing.

Something else I've worked hard at in my photography is to brighten things up. I don't mean artificially making it look bright or adding light where there wasn't any. Mostly I mean taking photos where I purposefully eliminate black areas that aren't lit. I found that, for me, light is something that I find uplifting in a photo. Darkness in a photo is gloomy, depressing. I have noticed clients having the same reaction to my photography when they notice how bright and uplifting (and simple) I strive to make my photos.

I explained all of this in photographic terms because it is something I can DESCRIBE. Without that background to draw from, I'm not sure my feeling from the Temple can actually be conveyed in words.

Some simple things about the Temple:

1. The Temple is very quiet.
2. The Temple is bright in the sense that there are mostly white walls and nice lighting on the walls.
3. The Temple is simple in that it doesn't have clutter, the rooms are very spacious and uncrowded.

The Temple is a lot more than those three things. But again, I don't know that I can communicate in words all that the Temple is.

Having a quiet, bright, clean, simple place to go be closer to God is a real gift. But those words only describe the physical aspects of the Temple. Spiritually, it is the same - it feels bright with the light of God, it seems quiet from the myriad voices in your head (the Spirit seems more easily able to speak to you), and it feels simple, none of the clutter of everyday life is there in the Temple.

So both physically and spiritually, the Temple is a place that feels extremely well suited to be close to God. And I saw all of this in an undedicated Temple tour. I haven't covenanted with God in a Temple yet. I haven't even set foot in a dedicated Temple yet. I can only IMAGINE what it must be like to be dressed in white, among others dressed in white, participating in Temple activities.

I look forward to the day I get married in Temple. I look forward to sealing my wife, my children, and myself together for all of eternity. I long to look into those reflecting mirrors with my children at my side, explaining to them just how long eternity is, as best I can, with the infinite reflections there to assist me.

The Temple is a truly wondrous place. Words cannot describe what the Temple is, what it does for us, or what it does for our Heavenly Father. I just know that the Temple is a place I very sincerely look forward to spending as much time as possible.

We reap what we sow

2009-03-30T08:27:00.004-07:00

In my very first blog post, I remember I was thinking about "how good do I need to be" to make it to everlasting life, to live with our Father in heaven... I eventually came to the realization that it is our task here on earth to be as good as we can possibly be.

This past Friday, I learned what can happen when my brethren fail to follow that principle...

I knew I would have a conversation with my parents about my conversion to the Mormon Church. I had mixed feelings about the conversation - I knew I needed to have it for a variety of reasons, but I also knew how strong their feelings were on the matter. I had read much of the Book of Mormon, and had sought out much more information beyond that, both in the Church and on the Internet, through the use of Google. I thought I was pretty well prepared to answer questions that they might have.

As it turns out, the most compelling arguments my parents had against the religion were ones for which I had no defense. These primarily concerned my parents' own experiences interacting with Mormons. I have apparently been very fortunate in the majority of Mormons I have encountered in my adult life. A surprising number of my friends are Mormon (and I certainly didn't seek out Mormons as friends - I just enjoy being around good, wholesome people). My Mormon friends have always treated me with respect and I have seen great virtue in their actions and the way they have treated others.

My parents, on the other hand, have seen an entirely different picture. And they seemingly haven't met ANY "good" Mormons.

Stories I heard ranged from the distant past, when my sister was young and babysitting. She had been babysitting for a family for some months when one day they asked her "What ward are you in?". She asked what a ward was. That was the last babysitting job she had from them. Clearly, these people had trusted my sister enough to have hired her many times over many months. Why then, would they apparently stop hiring her based on nothing more than her not being Mormon? I told my parents that I didn't think this was right, that the Church teaches us to treat others how we ourselves would want to be treated. I explained that I had seen NOTHING that indicated that we should seek out only those individuals in the Church for our goods and services. The fact is, however, nothing I could say would prevent my parents' having seen how this one Mormon family had treated my sister.

My Father told me of people at his work that had hired someone because they were Mormon, even though they were not qualified to do the work, and even though others that WERE qualified, had applied. Again, there was nothing I could say or do to prevent this experience in my Father's life. It went against everything I have learned in my reading of the scripture, but yet, a fellow brother in the Church apparently did this and my Father witnessed it.

My parents told me of businesses that had apparently been completely boycotted by Mormon people. These were apparently thriving businesses that had done well until it was discovered that the owners were not Mormon. Supposedly, the Church then requested that its' membership no longer go to those businesses. Again, this seemed completely counter to everything I had read in scripture and that I had seen from my own Mormon friends. No matter what I said, I could not erase or fix these experiences in my parents' lives.

My parents explained that they were confused as to how I could be seeing such a vastly different experience in the Mormon Church than they had seen of its membership. They asked if I had experienced good in the Church, why was it that they had not seen any.

To these questions, there are no true answers. I explained to them that not everyone in an organization follows the precepts of it. They knew the truth of this, even from their own Catholic Church. But that doesn't change the apparent fact that their experience with every Mormon they have encountered has been a bad one.

The best solution to this problem that I can see is for me to live as close to Jesus teachings as I can. I need to be the example of the Church that my parents haven't ever seen. I pray that they will encounter others in the Church that are also good people, but I have no direct control over that. I intend to bring them to Church functions when I can, but they are inherently cynical and will judge those people as being on their best behavior.

I cannot fault my parents for being judgemental of the actions of our Church's membership during the week (ie, not on Sunday). How better to know what people believe than to see how they act when they think no one is looking?

We must all remember that whether we think anyone is looking or not, we walk with Jesus always. He sees everything we do, he sees how we treat every soul we encounter, he knows our every thought. We owe it to ourselves to be honest in our actions - to do that which we know in our hearts is right.

If we treat others, Mormon or not, with kindness, we treat Jesus with kindness. We are ALL brothers and sisters, Mormon or not.

If we treat non Mormon people negatively, we treat Jesus negatively.

And... we reap what we sow.

Temptation

2009-03-29T08:07:00.002-07:00

Twenty years ago, I was quite a lonely man in terms of finding the lady of my dreams. I didn't know quite what I was looking for, but I knew I hadn't found it.

I had begun using the internet (which at the time was only addresses ending in .edu, .mil, .org and .net. As it turns out, .com didn't really hit wide use until 1991). In my use of the internet, I found, even twenty years ago, a means of talking to other people in real time (albeit text only). I met a young lady my own age that was going to school back East. She was similar to me in many respects - she was lonely, she hadn't had much experience with dating, she knew how to use the internet (this was VERY rare back then), and she seemed interested in me.

We talked a LOT. I began calling her on the phone, nearly every night. Long distance was a ton more expensive twenty years ago than it is now. We talked for hours every time we talked, and we talked about a great many things on the phone... let's just say we violated the law of chastity over the phone line...

I was going to fly out to visit her - at that point, she was in Illinois. I had talked to my friends about it, but they couldn't fathom the thought of me flying across country to see someone I hadn't ever met. Then I heard word she was dating someone - a Frenchman. I was devastated. I immediately knew she was no longer thinking of me as I had been thinking of her. The next time we talked, I pretty much cut off relations. That was probably fifteen years ago.

Then, ten years after that, after I had been married for several years, I received an email from her. She was married too, but had concerns about her marriage. She wanted to pick up where we had left off so long ago. Initially, we exchanged some emails and even talked on the phone, but we were in different places in our lives, so it was obvious things wouldn't be as they had been in the past. Before long, we stopped talking again.

Last year, a long time after I had initiated my divorce, there came a very difficult time in my life. My wife had decided to kick me out of my own home on false grounds. I was EXTREMELY fortunate that she made a mistake and told the police what had actually happened just minutes before she told a judge a completely different story. But that luck wouldn't help me for a month and a half. It took that long before I could get a day in court to show the evidence to a judge, at which point he immediately dismissed the order of protection that had kept me from going to my own home and spending the time with my children that I had before the order had been put in place.

That month and a half was an extremely difficult time in my life. I had to pay all the household bills for a home I wasn't living in (and had no idea how long it would be until I could get back into the house). I had to try to work while I also had so much time to spend talking with my lawyer, with the police, pouring over paperwork that might help me in court, filling out forms, etc. etc. I had to deal with not seeing my children at ALL for a time. It took my lawyer pressing very hard before I finally got to see my children for roughly 1/5 as much as I had been able to see them before this had been done to me. I explain all this because I was very distraught at this time and these are just some of the reasons why.

It was during my time of being kicked out of my own house that I received a phone call again from this girl from my past. Since my own marriage was not only over but actually now to a state where I hate nothing but pure, dire hatred for the woman that had done all these things to me, I felt it was time to talk to this girl from my past. I didn't think of her family. I didn't think of her husband, of her three children. I didn't think of what our discussions might do to them.

So we talked, at first, me explaining what had happened to me, then the two of us talking about what might have been. What might have happened if we had gotten married instead of going the direction our lives had gone. We discussed in great detail what kinds of things we might have experienced together (again violating the law of chastity). It turns out her husband had been out of town, and she had talked to me several times while he was out of town. Once he returned, she was (understandably!) less able to discuss those things with me. It was at this time that I first realized that what we had been doing could have a very bad effect on her family. We stopped talking.

That was October of last year.

It was almost half a year after that last conversation when I was Baptized. I have now lived for many weeks - living with the commandments, the word of wisdom, and specifically aware of the law of chastity, and adultery.

Then, just a few nights ago, I received a request from her for me to call her. I knew from past experience that most often, when she reached out to me, she was struggling with something. I felt very strong in my ability to uphold my covenants with God. Therefore, I called her up, hoping to comfort her, to help her, to do what I could for her without visiting the things we had done in the past.

I think in the back of my mind I had the knowledge that I would be tested, and I think I had some small doubts about how well I would pass the test, but I called her anyway.

At first, she and I just talked, like normal people. She was indeed struggling with her marriage, more than I could remember her having done in the past. This time though, it was my intention to try to help her. Eventually, though, she steered things back to some of the old topics we used to talk about. I interrupted her and told her I had found Jesus. I explained that I was looking for a wholesome, morally grounded wife. I told her I had joined the Mormon Church.

I was frankly stunned at some of her response - she knew enough (in Illinois mind you) about the Mormon Church to say "oh... That isn't just a choice of religion, that is a complete change of lifestyle. You won't be able to talk to me any more..." and she began to weep. I tried to comfort her, I tried to explain that as long as our discussions didn't go back to the topics we USED to discuss that I could still talk to her.

It was then that she went into a frenzy of temptation. This woman had known me for twenty years. She knew of most every fantasy I had ever had, every unfulfilled desire I had experienced in my life up to the point we had talked back last October.

She began to explain in great detail and with MUCH emotion all the things she wanted the two of us to experience together, the desires she had of me, what specifically she would fulfill for me. The temptation was unbelievably great. The more she realized that I wasn't reciprocating her feelings, the more of a frenzy she reached. And the more desire she had for me, the more temptation I felt. It was an absolutely herculean effort to tell her I had to go and to hang up the phone...

I spent that night having nightmares of her temptations. Of fear of my succumbing to them. I dreamed of an intense desire for her.

I woke up the next morning and as I took my shower I thought about what I could do. I struggled to think of how I could remove this temptation from my life but still retain my friendship with her. I had, after all, known her for twenty years. I couldn't envision cutting her off entirely.

Then it hit me. She was (for me), the same as drugs are to other people. She was something I couldn't have in my life. It was obvious the temptations were simply too great for me. I wish I had been stronger to the point that I hadn't been tempted at all, but I have to admit, I was.

So I deleted every single piece of correspondence with her that I had ever had. Twenty years of communication with her. I deleted her phone number from every location I had it in. I removed her from my friends lists.

I sent her one final communication. I asked her to love her husband and her family. I asked her to forget about me. I told her she was too much of a temptation for me. I asked her to not contact me again.

And then, in that moment, something happened. Up to that moment, I had still had the most intense desire for her temptations that I can describe. She had filled my ear with so many descriptions of things and they had been difficult to even picture being able to stop thinking about.

But in the moment after I had sent her my final communication asking her to love her family and to not contact me again, I felt a peace. All of my desire for her left me.

I knew in my heart that she and I had no chance of ever having made a good marriage. The entire foundation of our relationship was based on sinful desire. We had nothing else. What is more, she was married to a man who, in spite of so very many things she had done to him, in spite of so many character flaws that she had, he loved her. He cared for her and did things for her to show it. She didn't always see what he did, and there certainly were things she WISHED him to do that he didn't, but they are good for each other. But the bottom line is, she has a good, loving husband, and she needs to focus on him.

She needs to come to the same realization that I have - talking to me about such things is essentially adultery, even if no physical acts are done, she is thinking about and describing such acts. She needs to respect herself and her family enough to discontinue doing things like that.

So now I view temptation differently than I ever have before. I used to think of temptation as something like... wanting to buy a car you can't afford and either buying it or not. Of being offered a beer and either accepting it or not.

But now I realize that we may actually have times in our lives where someone makes a truly focused effort to tempt us. And in some cases, that temptation can come from someone that knows us well enough to be able to tempt us with complete knowledge of what would tempt us the most.

It reminds me of part of the ancient story "The Odyssey". Here is an excerpt:

"As we departed Circe's (SIR-seez) Island, she warned me of the impending danger ahead as we passed the island of the Sirens . She instructed me to plug up all of the ears of my crewmen and to have them tie me to the mast as the beauteous melodies that came from the Sirens cast a spell over those who hear it. Their tunes cause men to thrust themselves overboard into the sea and ultimately to their death.

I vowed to myself that this would not be the fate of my crew. I obeyed Circe’s advice and filled all of my seamen’s ears with wax. They then bound me to the mast tightly. I instructed them to keep me tied up, even if I begged and pleaded with them to untie me. The Sirens weren’t going to get another ship.

As we sailed by, I became desperate to lunge into the sea, but my crew obeyed my previous orders and just pulled me tighter to the mast. Then, as we sailed away, the music becoming fainter, I gave the signal to unseal their ears and untie me. We had conquered the Sirens."

I have tried to put wax into my ears, and the Spirit helps me with that. Temptation is a far more powerful thing than I previously gave credit to.

I think temptation is something we ALL need to take very very seriously.

A View From the Outside

2009-03-24T11:51:00.002-07:00

I was asked to speak to the youth of my ward about my conversion. I chose to picture myself in Junior High, and thought of what I would tell a room full of Mormon Junior High students. This is what I read to them this past Sunday at their fireside.

How lucky you are. You may not realize it, but you are all exceedingly lucky. Your parents knew of this Church either before you were born (as I would guess is true for most of you), or, in the very least, some time before now. You go to Church, you go to firesides, and you hear people talking, giving you a great many messages that can help you for the rest of your lives.

But the question is – do you listen?

I don’t mean with your ears. What I mean is – do you listen to the Spirit inside you? Do you soften your heart and let the emotions inside you, do you put yourself in the shoes of the person talking and think about why it is that the Spirit touched them so much? Can you remember what it was like when you first learned about the Spirit, or the first time the Spirit touched you?

You see, I wasn’t Baptized at eight years old, as I assume most of you were. I was Baptized a mere two weeks ago.

In the few short weeks between missionaries coming to my home for the first time, and my Baptism, I read a lot of the Book of Mormon, and I did a lot of thinking about what it said. I want to share with you some of my thoughts – thoughts from someone that hasn’t been a member of the Church since birth.

Twenty four years ago, I knew a young man in my Junior High school. He was probably the second or third most popular person in my entire school. I was probably one of the least popular people in my school, and no one knew me – I had just moved here from Missouri. He was into sports. I wasn’t. We had absolutely nothing in common. Yet at the beginning of class every day he would ask me how I was doing. He would check in on me. He remembered little, insignificant details about what was going on with me. He would ask me how my program for my computer class was coming along – and he asked not because he was into computers, but because he knew I was. (You probably don’t know this, but twenty four years ago, computers were only used by geeks and nerds. Popular kids in school never even touched computers back then.)

I don’t remember seeing him much in High School, if at all, and I certainly didn’t see him after High School. Turns out he moved to Utah. But I remembered him. I remembered that he was LDS, I remembered that he was a good, kind person. As someone once said of how we should treat others – he was kinder than he had to be. That really struck me then, and I remembered it, for a long, long time.

We all know how nice we actually have to be. We know not to be rude to people. But that only goes so far. It is one thing to not call an annoying person a jerk. It is quite another to help someone you don’t even know when you have absolutely nothing to gain from it.

People notice kindness. So does Heavenly Father.

Matthew 25:40, paraphrased
Whatsoever you do unto the least of my brothers, that, you do unto me.

This works both ways. If we do something bad to someone, if we mistreat them, we do this to the Lord our God. Yet each act of kindness we visit upon another human being, we also do for Heavenly Father.

So why not listen to our hearts, listen to what we know is right and wrong, and take our actions based on that? For this to work though, we have to listen to the Spirit. And for us to be able to hear the Spirit, we need to let it in. We have to soften our hearts. We have to think about what impact our decisions have on others instead of thinking only about ourselves. Think about your co-workers, your family, your friends. Think even of the person that did something bad to you. Realize that just because someone wronged you does not make it ok for you to wrong them.

We know that if our baby brother bites our little sister that it is not ok for her to bite him back. By the same token, if someone does something to us that we don’t like, we need to remember it is not ok for us to treat them badly out of spite.

We all have the voice of the Spirit inside us. Unfortunately, we have the voice of the devil as well – always tempting us. Often times, what the devil is saying sounds so much more pleasant and easy than the voice of the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost is helping us keep our hand on the iron rod, walking steadfast toward the tree with the white fruit. It is up to us to listen to the voice that we choose.

When Nephi saw the vision of the Tree of Life, he saw the temptations of the devil, and the path to hell.

Nephi 12:16-17
“And the angel spake unto me, saying: Behold the fountain of filthy water which thy father saw; yeah, even the river of which he spake; and the depths thereof are the depths of hell. And the mists of darkness are the temptations of the devil, which blindeth the eyes, and hardeneth the hearts of the children of men, and leadeth them away into broad roads, that they perish and are lost.”

Nephi saw what temptation was capable of. He saw how it could keep us from following the Righteous path. When I read this, I realized that throughout my life I had imitated bad television shows and selfish people I knew even though I had read the Bible, and known right from wrong at an early age. Instead of living a Righteous life, it took some forty years before I let the light in. It took that long before I found the one True Church.

Before the missionaries came, I had many other Mormons in my life experience. They each taught me through their daily actions that they were good people. They did right, even when it would have been so much easier to have taken the easier path of temptation. They honored the Sabbath day, they spent time with their families, and they talked about God.

I ask each and every one of you to never forget the gift you all have in this Church. Always let the Spirit inside your heart. Reach out to those around you, friends or not, Mormon or not, and be nice to them. Love your neighbor. Treat others as you would want to be treated. Strive to do right rather than wrong.

Think, once in a while, what it must be like for people that don’t have the Church to help them in their lives. Put yourself in their shoes, think about how much it would help them to find their way. Reach out to those people when you can. Don’t expect your actions to convert them to the Church in that instant, but know in your heart that you are doing good, and that you are teaching by your example.

I thank Heavenly Father daily that my Mormon friends did that for me, for so many years of my life. My only regret is that it took such a long time for me to listen, for me to soften my heart enough to let the Spirit in so that I could find my way.

Who knows… maybe twenty four years from now, one of the people you treat nicely will remember your kindness and find the Church as I did. Your actions each and every day make a difference, whether you realize it or not.

The Spirit is in all our hearts, and it strives to guide us.

We need only listen.

If we soften our hearts and read the scripture, we will know the truth of it.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Life's Lesson

2009-03-21T20:14:00.004-07:00

I have ADD (or ADHD or whatever they've chosen to call it these days). I don't know if that is what contributes to mood swings or if that is some other ailment. What I do know is that I've always been sensitive about things. And I have (at least from talking to others) a really good memory of my childhood.

I remember a time in grade school. I was in maybe 2nd or 3rd grade at the most. They had a time in class when you could put a record onto this little record player and put on these HUGE headphones with the massive coiled wire thingy connecting them to the record player. I had listened to many story records, but one day I listened to "Ugly Duckling". I remember weeping in my little tiny plastic chair while I listened to the story. I had such a feeling of sorry for the little duckling. I remember the teacher reading to a group of kids in a small circle to my left. I was concerned about them seeing me crying, but I hadn't heard the rest of the story yet, so I wiped my face with the back of my hand and tried to stop crying. Looking back, I think this was the first time I really noticed it. I hardened my heart. I knew from the other kids in class that it wasn't "normal" to cry from merely listening to a story. And the only way I could stop was to harden my heart. Of course back then, I didn't know what I was doing.

I have always had a relatively easy time picturing how others feel about things. Putting myself mentally into their shoes. This can be both a blessing and a curse.

Another story, one I read much later in life, was from "Chicken Soup for the Soul" (a 1993 Best Seller), though I think I read it in some other book. Here is the section that utterly ripped me apart:

"Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liza who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her five-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, 'Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liza.'

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, 'Will I start to die right away?'

Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give her all his blood."

That story really (to me anyway) shows the love that we have as siblings before we "grow up". I am in NO way saying that adult siblings wouldn't be so selfless, but I think the older we are, the more we have to think about before we would make such a sacrifice.

I've been reading my way through Mosiah (I should finish it this evening in fact), but early on in my reading, I hit Chapter Four of Mosiah and made a blog post about it: here.

After I posted that, I began to think more about the repercussions mentioned. I began to think about what would happen if we knew the right path but failed to follow that path. I began to talk with my friends and with my Bishop about Mosiah Chapter Four. I learned a great deal through those discussions, and I have seen the importance of sharing the scripture questions we have with others we know. We can learn so much from others.

During those discussions, one friend in particular (Chris), mentioned two verses earlier in the same book:

Mosiah 3:18-19

"18. For behold he judgeth, and his judgment is just; and the infant perisheth not that dieth in his infancy; but men drink damnation to their own souls except they humble themselves and become as little children, and believe that salvation was, and is, and is to come, in and through the atoning blood of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent.

19. For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

I bolded the last section because it is very important I think. The very young do not question authority nearly as much as adults do. There is an age where we accept what our parents tell us "because". By this I mean, there is a time when we realize that we do NOT understand the WHY of our parents' requests, but we obey nonetheless.

I am absolutely not saying that we need to follow things blindly. But as adults, I think we tend to think to much sometimes. Well maybe you all don't, but I do. :)

So looking back to the section I bolded, we see how we would become as a child. We would need to be:

1. Submissive
2. Meek
3. Humble
4. Patient
5. Full of Love
6. Willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict

That list is intimidating. Who out there seeks out to be submissive? Meek?

Yet I think many would see being humble, patient, and full of love as virtuous qualities.

Why is it that society in general seems to shun these things though? Once we are an adult (and in reality, somewhere along the way BEFORE we become adults), we are taught by society to move away from these traits. I think there is more to it than simply "growing up".

To me personally, I see that list of six things as something that would be easy to attain if we were a pure hearted child, untainted by all the temptations and bad things in this world.

When I was a very young boy, still in gradeschool, I remember one occasion in which I came to respect my brother so very much. It is a memory filled with shame, but perhaps it will help to write it out.

I have a brother and a sister, both younger than me, my brother being the youngest. When we were very young, my Father was extremely strict (later in life he was merely VERY strict instead of being extremely strict...). We were always given a pile of vitamins to take every morning with breakfast and were under strict orders to take them. A few of them didn't taste particularly good, even during the brief time they'd be in my mouth. And then there was the fact that there were something like five or six of them (some of them somewhat large). I reached a point where I didn't like taking them and decided not to take them. I began hiding them each morning and later flushing them down the toilet.

One time, however, I suppose they didn't flush all the way. Dad found the remnants of a vitamin in the toilet. He immediately began the somewhat traditional interrogation that our household had become used to. He knew it had to be one of us three kids, so he interviewed us each, one by one, in front of the others. We all three denied it (yes, sadly, I lied). I knew that the repercussions of flushing the vitamins was going to be very severe. Dad had made it VERY clear that it was exceedingly important to him that we take the vitamins.

Eventually, with none of us admitting to the crime, he had us each stand in a corner. None of us were to sit or say anything. We stood in our respective corners (all in the same room) for several hours. My brother and sister (being younger) began to falter and have difficulty remaining standing. My Mother began to plead on our behalf to my Father. He would have none of it. He insisted that if it went on long enough that the guilty party would confess. I was quite resolute in not confessing. I had made my mind up that I would take the vitamins from then on, and that if he didn't ever know who had flushed them, that he would be forced to re-instill in us the importance of the vitamins without any severe punishment.

To my surprise, however, my brother, the youngest of us, had reached his limit. He was having trouble standing. He knew he hadn't done it (though he was briefly accused of having flushed a tablet used for a little scuba diving toy he had). But he confessed. He told Mom and Dad that he had done it and that he was sorry.

My brother had always been my Dad's favorite, and I don't recall specifically what happened to him but I vaguely remember it being something minor like being sent to his room to think about what he had done. Dad apologized to my sister and I for having punished us for something we hadn't done.

And, very sadly, I didn't admit, even then, to having actually been the one that committed the crime.

I don't remember for certain, but I don't think I ever told my brother that I had done it. I might have. But I don't remember - we were all pretty young. I think I was still in early grade school. That said, I was definitely old enough to know what lying was and what right and wrong were.

But I have always remembered that time. I always remembered my brother having "admitted" to something he didn't actually do. He knew he risked serious punishment (when our punishments got especially bad, they involved being spanked on bare bottoms many dozen times with hot wheels tracks, something that I almost look back on as torture).

In childhood, my brother was always the purest hearted of all of us. I don't mean to say he later became evil - just that he became less selfless as he got older, something that happens to all of us in life.

I guess the main thing I am trying to explain in writing this all out is that we lose something when we grow up. Some of it is tangible, and some of it isn't.

The Mormon faith teaches us that we come into this world from the Spirit world, where we lived with Heavenly Father. I have been told that when we are born into this world that we don't remember making the decision to come here or what it was like in the Spirit world.

But lately, I've been thinking more about how close I think we actually are to the Spirit world and to Heavenly Father when we first arrive in this world. We ALL know of what we call "childhood innocence". Maybe we need to think a bit harder about "life's lessons" and whether our change of heart is really the right path for us to take.

If "life's lessons" all teach us to harden our hearts, to make them more impervious, more able to deal with strife and wrongdoing... what happens to our soft hearts? The hearts that can give and receive love, the hearts that are sensitive, caring and empathetic?

I for one am thinking about what was said in Mosiah 3:19. About being "submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, submitting to what the Lord inflicts".

Let us not harden our hearts fully. And let us try to spend more time softening our hearts. Let us remember what it was like to be a child.

And most of all, pray for those whose lives force them to harden their hearts just to survive. For how shall they let the Spirit in?

And no, I don't mean pray in the sense of "gosh, yeah, that would be bad for those people".

I mean PRAY. That is what I will do tonight. I will pray on bended knee for those in this world that have such strife in their lives that they know nothing of a soft heart.

And I will pray to thank the Lord for having been so kind as to let me see what gifts I have been given in this life. For it is with my soft heart that I let the Lord in.

Vaction in Utah

2009-03-17T12:05:00.005-07:00

I wrote back in my very first post on this blog about an individual I met back in Junior High (his name is Scott). Well I finally had the chance to go visit him this past weekend, and it was truly awesome!

I not only got to see him, but I also met his wife, and his five beautiful children. They invited me into their home to stay with them for the duration of my trip (which was just the weekend), and it was very enjoyable. We did a lot of talking and hanging out. Catching up, even went over the old Junior High yearbook, talking about people from our past. I couldn't believe how many people Scott knew from Junior High and High School!

I got to see another friend of mine and his wife (Karl and MJ) while I was there as well. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory, where I had to use some EXTREME restraint to not overeat. In the end, it worked out awesome, we also got caught up and the only thing I regret is not getting to see their kiddo - Max. He had RSV, so he was too sick to be with them (poor guy!). I understand he is doing better now, which is really good news.

Scott was kind enough to take me to the Draper Temple before the dedication ceremony. I believe we were there on the very last possible day to see it as just visitors without a "Recommend" (I'm still learning terminology). The Temple was absolutely BEAUTIFUL! The murals and artwork and architecture were absolutely amazing. I really enjoyed my time there. I think my favorites were the Celestial and Sealing rooms as well as the Baptismal Font. I learned a lot and I am really glad to know that Gilbert will have a Temple eventually as well.

I also visited Temple Square in downtown Salt Lake City. I met a couple of extremely nice sisters that showed me around on a guided tour. There was so much to see! I took in all I could in the time I had. I never realized how many historic structures there were there aside from just the Temple itself!

I got to see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing on Sunday morning, which was awesome! I might have even ended up in a music video that they shot immediately after the normal session. Getting to hear them do another song (twice!) after the normal session was really nice.

I went to Church with Scott and his family - his ward was really welcoming and friendly. Everyone that spoke delivered an excellent message, and I heard a great many things I truly needed to hear. I missed my own ward certainly, but I was glad to have the benefit of Church, and Scott's ward made it very nice. Hearing Scott speak to the 17 and 18 year olds was neat as well. Scott has such a talent for knowing and remembering all the myriad details in people's lives - he touched base with everyone there, asking them how things were going, taking real personal interest in each of them. His lesson was excellent and was equally relevant to myself as I am sure it was to the young men in the class.

And my visit ended with a trip to Scott's in-law's home where we visited and had a really nice dinner. My thanks to everyone that was there, they were all extremely nice and the food was amazing! I only tried two of the jams while I was there and if I hadn't been completely stuffed I would have tried the rest, perhaps several times over! :)

She Cried

2009-03-12T21:03:00.004-07:00

I was walking out of Lifetime Fitness the other day and the black gentleman in front of me was probably a good ten paces in front, but noticed I was coming out of the gym with two young children. He came back and held the door open as I came out.

"Thanks" I said. "No problem - I have two kids of my own, I know what it's like." was his reply.

We made small talk for a while walking toward our cars, which ended up being fairly close together. As I put my kids in the car, I noticed he seemed to not be getting into his vehicle. After I was done getting my kids all buckled in, he walks toward me, somewhat timidly...

"Do you know how to get to Chandler from here?" He asks. We talk for two or three minutes, I give him some advice on how to get there.

As I drive away I feel good. I don't even know the guy, but I had a good conversation with him and helped him find his way.

Wednesday. I eat lunch with some friends from work. After lunch, they drive away in their vehicle (I was running errands), and a foreign lady walks up toward my car, looking lost. I am already inside, my windows rolled up. She definitely looks like she was hoping to talk to me. I roll my window down.

"Hello. Can you help me?" She asks, in broken English.

"I need to find my way to 123 such and such street" she says (I don't remember what street it was, I had NEVER heard of it).

I was all ready to tell her no, I had no idea where that was when I realized I had a gps in my car and I could get text directions for her. So I put the address into the gps, had it tell me how to get there and told her - it was pretty simple as it turns out, she was less than a mile and a half from her destination.

She thanked me sincerely for my help.

Last Sunday, a friend of mine told me about her friend. Her friend had cancer. She didn't say it, but it hung in the air unsaid "...and she may not have long to live."

My friend knew I used to do photography on the side. She asked if I could take some photos of her friend. I felt a bit of a sharp pain in my heart.

You see, I have thought for probably four years now that I should really join an organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep". They have photographers to take photos of young infants (often only a few days old) that are terminally ill. It is something I have intended and wanted to do for a long time, but I thought I would be too emotional to be able to take photos of these little babies. I thought I would end up doing more harm than good.

But I couldn't turn my friend down. So I told her I would take photos of her friend. We set a date to meet on Thursday.

The next day I thought about it more. We are all Spirit children from God - we are all brothers and sisters. Seeing a young infant that is terminally ill is never going to be easy on me, but I think it will help knowing that they will go back to be with God. I filled out an application to take photos of the dying infants. I haven't heard back yet.

I had a long day at work today with a lot of meetings back to back. The only way I could even go to the restroom was by being late to one of my meetings. I got home, knowing that tomorrow I fly out of state, and I need to pack tonight. I pick my kids up tomorrow morning and I need to start working very early so that I can get to my plane on time.

My mind wasn't on taking photos of someone with cancer.

I got the phone call from my friend - after talking and pleading with her friend all day, she finally convinced her to go to the park for some photos. I was to meet them in thirty minutes. I got my gear all packed up.

I was about to head out the door. I went back inside and knelt down. I said a prayer for the lady with cancer whom I had never met. I prayed that she would find her way to God. I prayed that she would know his love before she left this world, and I prayed that she wouldn't leave this world until it was truly her time.

I said a prayer for myself. I prayed that I would be able to take photos that would be pleasing to her. I knew she was VERY apprehensive about having her picture taken, for a variety of reasons.

And I went to the park. I had a wonderful time taking photos with them both. The wind was cool and light and awesome. I think I was actually able to get some photos of her being herself. My friend got her to relax and forget that I was there. Together we were able to set the stage for picture taking. I was very thankful that I didn't make her nervous or apprehensive.

I got home and I processed the photos and sent them to my friend, who loved them. She sent them to her friend. Then I got an email back about them.

The subject was: "She Cried". In the body of the email, it said "She said you made her look so beautiful! She can’t believe she is saying this, but she wants pictures to give to others and share."

I felt so good, my heart just filled with joy. To have given this lady I didn't even know something nice while she struggled with such adversity was a truly wonderful gift.

Seeing these two friends together in the park, taking photos of them, it was a really moving experience.

I think sometimes we forget that our interactions with others can have such a dramatic effect on them AND on ourselves. Someone told me recently that we should be "kinder than we have to be". When I heard that, I thought of my friend from Junior High that I had met twenty four years ago, who, through his acts of kindness helped me to find the Righteous path.

I have begun to see how rich and full a life he must have lead these many years. It is extremely rewarding to help others. I sometimes think about how many people's lives I would have touched in positive ways in the last twenty four years if only I had found my way sooner. I can't change the past, but I can certainly look forward.

She cried. And I think they were tears of joy, and happiness. Someone with cancer was filled with joy and happiness. Man that feels good.

My First semi-successful attempt at Family Home Evening

2009-03-10T21:37:00.002-07:00

I have a two year old girl and a four year old boy. I have heard that under the age of something like six that you measure attentions spans as their age in minutes...

Up until now, I had tried reading them scripture without pictures. I had mistakenly thought that maybe my voice or inflection or excitement might bridge the attention span gap; nope. :)

So I went to Deseret books on Monday and picked up "Read and Learn Bible", "My First Book of Mormon", and "More of My First Book of Mormon". The kids loved it! :) I was able to read a considerable amount from each book for a total of about 20 minutes reading time. I was pretty happy with that. Their favorite - the Noah flood story, largely because of the animals.

Then we had family prayer time where we all prayed together. My children are still young, they were thanking Jesus for cars and trains (my son) and purple cars (my daughter), but it was certainly a start. :) At least they are now thanking him for things instead of asking for things as if Jesus were Santa Claus (that is how it used to be).

They both enjoyed it very much and look forward to the next time. :)

Mosiah Chapter Four

2009-03-09T19:07:00.007-07:00

I have been reading from Mosiah today. I have made it to Chapter 12, but my mind keeps going back to Chapter 4. I feel powerfully that Chapter 4 is a very plain and simple message to us from King Benjamin of PRECISELY what we are to do.

The chapter is a mere 30 verses long and yet to me the message is so clear, so plain, so very compelling and True that I feel this chapter deserves my attention on a regular basis. I think I need to read this chapter at least once a month, as a reminder of what it is that we are to do on this earth.

King Benjamin was a Righteous man. He lived his life justly, treated his people well, he toiled beside them, he did not overtax them. In his final days, he was visited by an angel from God (Mosiah Chapter 3). He is told by the angel that Jesus is coming, and what will happen to Jesus. He is told about the atonement. He is told how, through the atonement, we can follow specific steps to reach salvation.

Mosiah Chapter 4, 6-8

"6. I say unto you, if ye have come to a knowledge of the goodness of God, and his matchless power, and his wisdom, and his patience, and his long-suffering towards the children of men; and also, the atonement which has been prepared from the foundation of the world, that thereby salvation might come to him that should put his trust in the Lord, and should be diligent in keeping his commandments, and continue in the faith even unto the end of his life, I mean the life of the mortal body--"

Here we have in but a single verse the explanation of what we must do to receive salvation!

1. Come to a knowledge of: the goodness of God,
2. of God's matchless power,
3. of God's wisdom,
4. of God's patience,
5. of God's long-suffering towards the children of men;
6. Knowledge of the atonement,
7. that he who puts his trust in the Lord shall come to salvation,
8. that we must keep his commandments diligently,
9. and finally, that we must continue in the faith until death

"7. I say, that this is the man who receiveth salvation, through the atonement which was prepared from the foundation of the world for all mankind, which ever were since the fall of Adam, or who are, or who ever shall be, even unto the end of the world."

Here, we learn that the man who does what is prescribed in the previous verse is the man who receives salvation. That he does so through the atonement. That ALL of us received this opportunity for salvation - everyone since the time of Adam.

"8. And this is the means whereby salvation cometh. And there is none other salvation save this which hath been spoken of; neither are there any conditions whereby man can be saved except the conditions which I have told you."

And HERE we learn that this description of how to receive salvation is the only means there is. There are no other conditions whereby man can be saved.

He gives us a wealth more information about what we must do in this chapter. Another section really stood out to me as he talked about a beggar asking for help:

"17. Perhaps thou shalt say: The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just--"
"18. But I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdom of God."

We see very clearly here just how important it is to help our fellow man. How easy it is for us to see someone in need and think our day is too busy or our burden too heavy. I intend to strive to remember this as I go about each day. Truly we know that none of us can help all in the world, but I think also that we all know we can do more than we already do.

And finally, the last verse of Chapter 4, it really drives home just how important it is to remember this (and it drives home just how important it is for me to re-read this chapter periodically).

"30. But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not."

"And now, O man, remember, and perish not."

I shall strive to remember.

The Lord can stop time itself

2009-03-09T06:44:00.002-07:00

We all know that the Lord God can do amazing things and those of us that have Faith believe He can truly do anything.

In the last few weeks, I have had several occasions to put my Faith in God that somehow I would have enough time to do the things I set out to do. In these cases, I knew what I was doing was according to His will and His plan, and I just had Faith that there would be enough time to make it happen.

Some examples:

Buying Sunday clothes for my children on a busy Saturday where I already felt like I had no time (this was for the first time my children would have ever gone to Church with me)

Going to a friends' house for a relaxing, leisurely dinner, talking with them, letting my children play while there, and STILL getting back to my home in time for my ex to pick them up (total time spent between leaving my home and returning to my home - one hour. Yes, you read that right!)

Time for following the promptings throughout my day. I can tell you that when I first began to follow my promptings, the most common excuse I heard myself giving for why I couldn't do them was "You don't have the time!" - God made time for me!

Scripture reading. Again, my most common excuse for thinking I can't read scripture is that I think I do not have enough time. I find that the Lord stops time because I will have read a few chapters or an entire book of the Book of Mormon and scarcely a few minutes will have passed...

Time to email or blog or meet with people. Again with the "I don't have the time!" excuse that I keep hearing in my head. The good news is that I have had enough examples of the Lord fitting SO much more into my day than I ever would have been able to without His help that frankly, that excuse is really pretty lame now and I know it. :)

So I am just jumping in and doing what the Holy Ghost reminds me of, safe in the knowledge that God will make time or a way for the rest of my day to happen. This is just one of the many miracles the Lord has given me.

Have your cake but don't eat it

2009-03-08T18:20:00.003-07:00

So I had a get together at my home after my Baptism yesterday. There were LOTS of extremely nice people that came over, and so many of them brought all manner of goodies to my home, which were shared with all.

After everyone left, I noticed there was about 1/4 of a very rich looking chocolate fudge cake left behind. It looked particularly appetizing.

I have been thinking increasingly about how our body is Gods' Temple and that we are commanded to take care of it. So frequently I had just thought about how what I was eating was truly bad for me but eating it anyway.

So I looked at it and I thought to myself... I'll put this in the fridge today. I don't have the strength of will to throw it out but I actually DO have the strength to put it in the fridge and not eat it right now. Maybe tomorrow after I am confirmed and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, maybe then I'll be strong enough.

So today I was confirmed. It was a very moving experience. I didn't realize just how moving an experience it was until I shook everyone's hand, until the Bishop asked the membership who could "sustain" the confirmation (I think that is the word he used). Seeing all those people with their hands up was very powerful...

Later I thanked my friend Mike who actually confirmed me in the hall outside of where we had Sacrament. I was so moved in thanking him that I wept.

Later in my day at Church, I spoke before the Relief Society. I read the first post on this blog out loud to them. I was so overcome with emotion that I could scarcely speak at some points, and I wept openly while reading. I know I learned even more about how I feel by reading those words out loud. I think some of those present felt what I felt while I was reading it. If there was even one person that was faltering a little or doubting what an impact being a good person could have on others then I very sincerely hope they understood what an AMAZING impact God has on people.

And later, I was at home. I had fed the kids a snack. The cake was in the fridge. And the kids were playing. I "snuck" into the kitchen. As I walked toward the kitchen, the devil did his work. "Just a bite" "Ok, a slice, on a plate..." "I'll just grab the fork and the cake and see how much I eat." "Ok, I'm grabbing the fork and..."

And there was my daughter. Daddy, come play with us!

I go and I play with my two children. Fork on the counter. We play for a while and I hear the cake calling to me. At a time when my children are occupied with themselves I sneak off. This time I am grabbing a glass to fill with milk, a fork, and I'm just going to eat that cake in a single sitting - my mind is MADE UP!

Fork in hand, glass filled with milk, putting the milk back in the fridge, there is my beautiful daughter. "Daddy, be the tickle monster!"

Milk gets left on the counter, fork next to it. I go playing with my kids, I chase them about the house, we run all over the place, the kids and I cackling with glee.

I go back "just to grab the milk"... "no cake, no, no cake, just the milk". I have the milk in my hand and the fork. I turn to the fridge. My son and my daughter arrive. "Daddy - you be the tickle monster AGAIN!" I think to myself... this must be a sign. This has been THREE times. I put the fork away, grab my milk and go with the kids to tickle them and play.

It is probably fifteen to twenty minutes later and they are pretty tired (ok, I was tired too!), we had been giggling non stop for quite some time. My glass of milk is empty. I take it to the kitchen to put it into the dishwasher. Well, I'll do that, but I'll also grab some of that awesome looking CAKE! I got the fork out. Abbie was there - "Daddy! Come PLAY WITH US!"

I put the fork away. I put the glass into the dishwasher. I went and played with my children.

I know I am overweight. I've known that for years. A radio talk show host once made me EXTREMELY angry when he said "If fat people would just not eat so much, they'd lose weight!". I remember thinking "And if you didn't spend so much money you'd have more money!" Sometimes the solution to our problems truly IS simple. We just have to listen to what we are hearing inside ourselves. I was really hoping to eat less and eat smarter and exercise more once I had the gift of the Holy Ghost. I had hoped it would speak more strongly to me after I was confirmed.

Maybe the Holy Ghost doesn't work precisely how I thought. I know I got a very strong message each time my children asked me to play. I know I was jolted back to reality after having gotten so close to my temptation.

But I left that cake in the fridge. I went to a friends' house for a very nice dinner with my kids before my ex picked them up from my house.

Once I got home, I sat down to write about the cake experience in my blog. I was resolved to throw the cake out after I had written my post. But I don't believe in writing about something I've done if I haven't actually DONE it. What if I wrote out that I had thrown it away with the best of intentions and then walked into the kitchen to do so, but was overcome and ate some or all of it. I would have lied.

So I say this to anyone that wonders what the power of BLOGGING something like this is - after I sat down here to write about the cake, I had the strength of will to go into my kitchen and put that cake down the garbage disposal before coming back to write about it.

So I had my cake... for two days... and I didn't eat it. :)

I think I can almost taste it though!

Mosiah and his message to me

2009-03-08T10:10:00.003-07:00

In reading scripture today, there was a message for me. I write it here so that I can remember it later.

Mosiah 2:36-41

"36. And now, I say unto you, my brethren, that after ye have known and have been taught all these things, if ye should transgress and go contrary to that which has been spoken, that ye do withdraw yourselves from the Spirit of the Lord, that it may have no place in you to guide you in wisdom's paths that ye may be blessed, prospered, and preserved--"

I see this as the beginning of the message to me. I have truly seen and been taught the message. I am about to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost later today. If I should transgress and go contrary to that which I have learned, I would withdraw from the gift of the Holy Ghost. Therefore, I must be mindful of that.

"37. I say unto you, that the man that doeth this, the same cometh out in open rebellion against God; therefore he listeth to obey the evil spirit, and becometh an enemy to all righteousness; therefore, the Lord has no place in him, for he dwelleth not in unholy temples."

It is the same to turn my back on that which I know is true as to call out to the world in open rebellion against God. I know of the evil spirit - unfortunately, it has a voice in my head whether I like it to or not. If I obey that evil spirit, the Lord has no place in me.

"38. Therefore if that man repenteth not, and remaineth and dieth an enemy to God, the demands of divine justice do awaken his immortal soul to a lively sense of his own guilt, which doth cause him to shrink from the presence of the Lord, and doth fill his breast with guilt, and pain, and anguish, which is like an unquenchable fire, whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever."

This is important as well. We should all know about the atonement. I do. I have read it. But for me, it is still a little difficult. I find myself sometimes thinking of the atonement as a way to just shirk the responsibility of walking the Righteous Path. It seems almost as though you could just do what you please and then "repent" and have it all washed away. I struggled with that.

But this verse teaches me more of the big picture - of the fullness of this plan. God knows if we repent sincerely. If our purpose is to commit sin with the intent of later "repenting" to make it "ok", then that isn't true repentence - it is premeditated sin. While I believe it IS possible to later TRULY repent for having taken that action - it can only happen out of true and sincere repentence, which of course involves being sorry for our action, trying to make amends, and taking what steps we can to truly prevent it from happening again.

But it is that much more clear what happens if you fail to do this - if you continue to walk the way of the devil without sincerely repenting, you will have a "lively sense of guilt". When I read of the end in the Book of Mormon, when I read of the last days, where every man and woman knows the actions of every other man and woman, that NOTHING is hidden anymore, I was struck by just how that would feel. That every transgression was known by every soul in existence. How much guilt would we surely feel then? And if we had failed to repent, how heavy the burden to look at making amends then?

We know we have a place after this life to sort things out, but it truly strikes me how important it is to get things right now, and not just for ourselves. How much work will there be to try to help all those souls that fell prey to the devil in this life? How many people will be filled in their breasts with "guilt, and pain, and anguish, which is like an unquenchable fire, whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever."? How many friends and family members will we have to help?

"39. And now I say unto you, that mercy hath no claim on that man; therefore his final doom is to endure a never-ending torment."

I think this is pretty clear. I about it, and I shall change my actions where they need be changed.

"40. O, all ye old men, and also ye young men, and you little children who can understand my words, for I have spoken plainly unto you that ye might understand, I pray that ye should awake to a remembrance of the awful situation of those that have fallen into transgression."

I have seen and understood this message. I strive to remember the situation if I were to fall into transgression.

"41. And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of neverending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I have read things such as this set of verses many times in my life. Deep in my heart I have known the truth of living a better life; indeed I have been blessed somehow to ALWAYS have known with some small vision of just how our good actions are rewarded. I have always been blessed with some way of understanding the impact of human nature on other people, and this has granted me the ability to see the myriad impacts of both a good act as well as a bad act.

I sit here just a few hours from my confirmation. This passage has spoken to me powerfully. I think I truly understand the covenant of my Baptism - my promises to the Lord, the result of transgression, and the blessings I will receive for following them.

I am extremely thankful and humbled.

My Baptism

2009-03-07T18:51:00.002-07:00

I literally couldn't believe there were so many people there...

Between my Mormon friends that I have made over the years and the new friends I have made within my ward (and unbelievably to me, some people that actually came from other wards that didn't even know me), there were a LOT of people there.

I felt very at peace today, for pretty much the entire day. Having my good friend Danny perform the Baptism was a really good feeling.

Everyone was EXTREMELY nice and I thank them all for having shared today with me, be it the Baptism itself or time at my home afterward.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow when I receive the gift of the Holy Ghost from my confirmation. As I have said before, I have felt extremely close to the Holy Ghost in the last month, but I have learned that my time with the Holy Ghost right now is more like brief moments in time rather than the embrace I will receive tomorrow.

I write this realizing that if I live my life correctly, tonight and tomorrow morning will be the last hours of a life without the Holy Ghost's constant presence. After my confirmation, I will have the Holy Ghost with me always, provided that I continue walking toward the Righteous Path.

So then, I write what those brief moments with the Holy Ghost have been like for me, since I may forget later what it was like to have the Holy Ghost only for brief moments in time.

For me, when the Holy Ghost is truly with me, I can feel it. I get chills, my heart swells up; often I am brought almost instantly to the brink of tears. Sometimes it would be tears of joy, sometimes sadness. I think for a while I thought those were the only two simply because there were tears coming to me.

But the most amazing emotion that sweeps over me so strongly when the Holy Ghost suddenly comes to me is AWE. This is something that I hope I never lose.

When I hear a story about a little child that had no real chance but their parents pray and pray and pray and have Faith and do everything they can... When I heard that against all odds the child made it. That the actual events that transpired to allow the child to live were just crazy odds, but they happened and that is how the child lived. When I hear that testimony and I absolutely SEE that the person giving the testimony is awestruck and thankful and joyous and beside themselves with the miracle they have received, I get that sense of awe right in my chest. I don't even know how else to describe it than awe...

It is beyond joy, it isn't sadness. It isn't even directly Faith I don't think. It is like acceptance that it was indeed a miracle, that the person testifying truly experienced it, that they received it because of their Faith, that God reached out to help them... all of that rolled up together. How else can I describe it than AWE at the incredulity of it all?

So I go to sleep tonight knowing that this is the last night spent with mere glimpses of, mere brief moments of my time with the Holy Ghost. From now on I will have the Holy Ghost with me always - helping me, guiding me, showing me the way.

The way down that Righteous path, the Iron Rod, the way to the Tree, the one with the white fruit. The fruit from the Tree that is precious above all.

An actual, honest to God, true miracle in my own life

2009-03-06T18:03:00.002-07:00

One of the hardest things in dealing with my ex when we were married was that she simply refused to compromise. On ANYTHING. She wouldn't reverse her decisions once her mind was made up.

So last night when I had my conversation with her about my going to a Mormon Church, things got bad kindof quickly. As I alluded to before, I had pretty much expected her to do everything in her power to keep our children from going to a Mormon Church.

I think she noticed the changes in me though. And I think last night she must have thought about that.

This evening, she called me on the phone and basically said that she had thought about what we talked about last night. That there were far worse things that could happen to our children than them experiencing the Mormon Church. She actually told me she was ok with them going to Church with me!

I have always heard that the Lord works in mysterious ways, and to me, this is one of the most mysterious ever.

But I'll take a miracle when I get a chance, that's for sure! :)

To Deny thy Lord thy God

2009-03-06T10:01:00.003-07:00

If I had to describe my life up to the time before the missionaries came to my home, I would have to say it was primarily that I lived to avoid conflict.

There is a lot that happens (and that you choose to do) if you live your life that way.

Let's say I had a ton of copied movies in my home and someone was over to my house that did the same thing. I might show them all my copied movies and ask them which one they wanted to watch. I might even offer to let them have a copy of a movie or three. Maybe I would ask them for a copy of their copied movies...

Let's say I still had a ton of copied movies in my home but then a friend was over to my house that DIDN'T copy movies. Let's even say that they really disliked the act of copying movies! If I was trying to avoid conflict, I wouldn't bring up the subject at all. I certainly wouldn't preach that it is ok to copy movies. If they asked to watch a movie, I'd see what was on TV or offer one of the movies I DID buy.

That all seems pretty simple in a way. But what if things got more complex?

What if the second person ASKED me a point blank question about whether I had copied movies? What is the first person AND the second person were at my house at the same time? Would I have to asked the first person to not let on that I had copied movies? If the first person mentioned something about copied movies, would I deny that I had them rather than end up with a confrontation with the second person?

Life isn't always simple. As I began to read scripture, the message truly seemed very simple to me. I'm not saying I understood every word or phrase or the symbolism behind everything I read, but the BASIC concept of knowing what is right and wrong and DOING what is right seemed very simple.

Then I had an opportunity to see the Joseph Smith film at the Temple (with the missionaries) some time back. It was during that movie that it REALLY began to sink in that there are real world consequences when certain people learn that you have Faith in God or that you are a member of the Mormon Church. I wrote before about how Peter denied Jesus.

I myself have begun to have "temptations" or "trials" in which I might have denied my Savior Jesus Christ, or my Church.

The first was my Mother. I knew she didn't like the Mormon (LDS) Church, but I didn't actually realize quite how strong her opinion was until I shared with her that I was going to Church again, but this time it was a Mormon Church. She talked to me about how the Church was a cult, how some people were killed for trying to leave the Church, about how a Bishop had told the wife of an apparent child molester to not say anything and to stay married to him. She told me of how a friend of hers tried to leave the Church but actually had to hire a lawyer to have his name removed from the Church "rolls" (her word).

The second was my ex wife. She actually noticed the major changes I have made in terms of my interaction with her. I forgave her for everything she had done to me, and I apologized for what I had done to her over the course of our marriage. She is applying for increased child support and rather than fighting it, I am trying my very best to do what is right. Then she asked me... What Church have I been going to?

Before I talked to my Mother about my going back to Church, about my joining the Mormon Church, I had considered just hiding it from her. That would be avoiding conflict. That was the easy path. But I am going to be Baptized tomorrow, and I felt it was pretty important to at least TRY to talk to my Mom about the changes in my life. I felt that if I had specifically gone out of my way to NOT let her know about joining the Mormon Church that I would have been denying my Faith. So I told her, even though that CREATED conflict. It was the right thing to do.

Before I answered my ex wife's question of "What church have you been going to?", I briefly considered avoiding answering her or even lying. You see, her hatred of the Church and her belief that it is a cult is so strong, that I feel certain she will actively seek to PREVENT my children from even going to Church... But again, denying the Truth is the same as denying my belief in Jesus Christ.

I feel bad that in each of these two situations I had a brief period where I considered denying my situation. But I am VERY thankful that I had sufficient Faith to go forward and tell the Truth!

ABCDs of Sin

2009-03-05T06:33:00.004-07:00

I need to talk to the Missionaries again to get the literal letter/word meaning here.

The basic gist of it is this:

1. Acknowledge that you have done something wrong
2. Be sorry that you did whatever it was (truly!)
3. Find a way as best you can to make amends for what you have done wrong
4. Take steps to not do that action again (don't make the same sin twice!)

I've been working through a great many of my sins from before I found the Righteous path. I've also been working on the sins that had become habit. I think I've dealt with all but perhaps two of those.

I still find myself "embellishing" the truth from time to time. What that comes down to is plain and simple lying. However much I might like to candy coat it, the Truth is the Truth is the Truth. I know what the Truth is, and I need to honour it! This is a hard one for me - I have found that when I tell stories of things this is one of my most frequent times where I do this. I'll just throw in a little detail here or there to make the story sound better or more interesting. I think it started along the same lines as telling a joke - people tend to add things to jokes over time to make them sound funnier. I would do the same thing with simple stories - things I had seen people do that were funny, things I had done that made for a funny story. I always thought of them as "embellishments". Nothing harmful I thought. I'm all over this now. It is hard - it had become a real habit with me. But I am taming it, and it feels GOOD. I keep reminding myself I need to set an extremely high example for my children. It is ALWAYS better to teach them by example than merely by words!

And my children... Sometimes I think I set my bar too high. It is SOOOO easy to look around in society and see how "most" people treat their children. It is so difficult to teach them and take the time to do it "right" sometimes. What guides me most here is my memories from when I was a child. I remember what it was like to be yelled at. I remember what it was like to be spanked. I have learned from a great many sources just how "quickly" you can bring a kid into line by yelling or by spanking them. TALKING to them takes longer. But I know in my heart that this is the right way to teach my children, however trying it can be sometimes. I am INCREDIBLY blessed that my two year old daughter is smart enough that I can actually explain WHY I need her to do something, and she will not only understand, but she will comply. This is hardest for me when I am stressed or in a hurry. I wrote some time back about when I had to go buy a toilet plunger late at night when my kids should really have been in bed. I was feeling stressed and I was feeling the pinch of time. When the first store didn't have what I needed, I felt it even more. As I was buckling my kids into the car to go to the second store, my two year old daughter could TELL something was wrong, and she asked me about it. I was short with her, I told her I just needed to get her buckled in and that "Daddy just needed to get to another store". I really need to find the peace of mind to not be short with my kids - when they ask questions and want to know what is going on, when they want to know why Daddy is acting how he is, I need to TAKE that time, I need to talk to them. I have so little time with them these days compared to how it used to be - I need to make the most of it!

And I needed to talk to my ex wife. I had grudges against her. I had things that she had done to me that were really bad injustices. There were things she had done and said to our children that I don't know if I will ever be able to reconcile for myself. I had really been thinking of her as a horribly evil person through and through. I had lost sight of several Truths. She was and is a child of God just as I am. Since our divorce, I have seen her make some real efforts to change things, to change the course of her life. I have also had the clarity to see that she has good in her, that even while she had done things that I personally couldn't believe, that she had other good things she had done for the good of the family. And I saw that in my hatred of the way she had treated myself and the children that I had fueled a vision of her that wasn't accurate. I had let myself build her wrongdoings into something more than it truly was. I had let myself treat her worse because I thought it was "ok" given what she had done to me. I had let myself stop treating her as a human being - as a fellow child of God, but rather as a person I hated, as a person that I no longer sought out good things for. I had at times actually taken heart in bad things happening to her rather than realizing she was just a Spirit child trying to find her way in this world. I gave her a TRULY heartfelt apology. I let her know that I knew I had done things that I wished I had not. I let her know that it was my intent not to do that ever again. And I also let her know that even if I had had that revelation while we were still married that we just weren't meant for each other, that we weren't meant to be married. She agreed. Apologizing to her, thinking about doing that, bringing myself to actually do it, that was HARD. It had been so easy to think to myself "she did so many things to ME, so whatever I did to her was ok! It was NOTHING compared to...". But that wasn't Truth.

Some days back, I woke up in the middle of the night remembering some scripture:

"Whatsoever you do to the least of my brethren, THAT, you do unto me!" (my emphasis)

I am really striving to understand and act on that. I am trying to live my life by that.

I felt very emotional after I had apologized to my ex wife. She apologized to me as well. I also told her that I forgave her for everything.

In the end, I TRULY felt better for having done this. It healed some things inside me that I don't even know that I could put into words. I just know I am a far better person for having done this.

Faith Untested?

2009-03-05T06:30:00.002-07:00

I've been busy, but this morning I am taking some time to get caught up with some posts I've been meaning to make.

As it turns out, my dinner the other night ended up NOT being a test of my Faith, as I had expected. It was just a nice dinner and time spent with my parents. My Mother cooked an awesome meal, we got caught up (they had been out of town a lot over the last month), and I think we all had a really good time. :)

So I think this one got shelved for another day.

The Test of Faith

2009-03-03T06:50:00.002-07:00

This evening I shall be tested. I know this already. I will be dining with two people that know of my recent joining of the Church and they feel that the Church is a cult.

I intend to listen to them with an open mind, to talk to the Spirit, and to answer them with what my heart truly tells me.

This day has been coming for some time now, I think it is best that it happen now.

More later.

Faith

2009-03-01T07:59:00.002-07:00

This past week has been very busy for me - things going every single day. I have been experiencing a lot more joy in my life, meeting new people, making new friends, and getting closer to God. My Baptism is now less than a week off, and lately my thoughts have been focused squarely on Faith.

Recent Sacrament and other Church talks have been about Faith, and I am glad of that. Some of those discussions served to tell me more of the Church's view on Faith, and some of them served to show me how other individual people felt about Faith. One individual that gave a talk last Sunday seemed to have had some very trying times in her life, and I have to say she was dealing with her current situation far better than I think I could, she was amazing.

When I was very young (in early grade school no less), I had a Sunday School teacher tell me something I haven't forgotten to this day (bear in mind, this was a Catholic teacher). She explained to us that we could live our lives however we wanted, do whatever we wanted, right or wrong, but if, in the end, at the VERY LAST MOMENT, we put our Faith in God, we would be saved. The various children in the classroom asked questions like "So if I was about to die in a car crash and I had Faith in God right before I was killed, I would be ok?" and the teacher answered "yes". I think she even quantified it something along the lines of saying out loud that you believe in Jesus Christ, and meaning it.

That discussion revolved around the whole idea of going to Heaven or Hell. At that point in my Catholic education, they hadn't really talked to us much about Purgatory yet. But I walked away with some very unhealthy thoughts. I figured none of the education or actions in my life mattered, so long as I expressed my Faith in God at the last moment, and I kindof focused on trying to "remember to have Faith" right at the end. For a short time, I was worried about whether I forgot, because (according to her lesson) I would end up going to Hell. But as time passed, I didn't even care about that so much. I mean, who ELSE in this world even cares about such things, other than those crazy religious zealots of the world?!?!?

Well, I'm concerned about the subject again these days. I don't know if that makes me a religious zealot or not, but I don't really care, I intend to continue thinking about this subject, and changing my actions and activities according to my beliefs.

So then, Faith. What is Faith, really? From where I sit, I think Faith is a many faceted thing, maybe even a path of varying levels of Faith. But to me, the ultimate end state of Faith is absolute, unwavering belief in where we came from, where we are, and where we are going.

Being truthful, I am confused about my current state of Faith.

First, I believe very much that it matters in this life what we do with ourselves, how we act, what we do, how we treat others. Along those lines, last night I remembered a scripture word for word from my youth - "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that, you do unto me" (Matthew 25:31-46). This was Jesus talking about how the way we treat others represents how we are treating him.

Second, I believe that our actions in this life affect what happens to us afterward. It makes sense to me that if you are a bad person or you treat people badly that you will end up reaping the rewards or punishments of those actions. There are times in my past where I have felt that death in this life only leads us to becoming dust - that there is nothing after.

I think that is the crux of my difficulty with Faith.

I have taken a great many courses on science and read even more. My brain seems wired more toward logic than to Faith. I try to figure things out for myself and have them make sense to me in ways I can understand TANGIBLY. And that is the whole thing about Faith - with Faith you can believe in things you haven't seen. You can believe in things you don't yet understand.

Albert Einstein said "I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice." - to me, even this person able to actually predict the mechanics of the Universe had a belief that there was a higher being. Albert Einstein was VERY critical of religion, and many countless quotes from him essentially belittle the concept of praying to a "supernatural being".

Einstein said "The desire for guidance, love, and support prompts men to form the social or moral conception of God.". For me, this is one of the problems I have had with religion over the years. It is easy for an atheist to understand the fear of what happens at death, for an atheist has no belief in anything other than the finality of death. Therefore, to picture belief in God forming out of a desire for guidance, love, and support makes sense to an atheist.

I have recently found myself in the odd position of having Faith in the right of how we should act in our lives, of the Truth of there being a life after this one, but a difficulty in believing in the life before this one.

Thinking it through though, this is what I have come to understand, and to believe:

1. We were spiritual beings in the life before this one, we had no bodies.
2. God offered us a chance at having a body, but he explained that if we were to accept the gift of a body, that we would forget much (all?) of what we knew.
3. We were born and live today, with bodies. We learn HOW to live with a body.
4. There are (as it says in the Bible) many temptations of the flesh. It is those very temptations that cause us to stray from the iron rod, from the straight and narrow path to salvation.
5. If, in the end, after "enduring to the end", we reach either the end of our life or the last day, and we have lived Righteously, then we will be saved.

So, with this in mind, I remember something else that I learned in my youth - something "taught" to me, but which I inexplicably VERY STRONGLY disagreed with.

Freud said that babies were born a "Tabula Rasa", or "Blank Slate" - that only the experiences of their environment shapes and forms who they become - that the experiences in their environment ultimately determine what decisions they make.

I absolutely have always believed this to be false. I have, from a very young age, always felt that we have a core being inside us, something that is who we "really" are. We have a moral compass inside us, something that knows right from wrong. We certainly IGNORE that compass from time to time, but it is there, and I believe that very strongly.

With my own two children I have seen things that boggle my intellectual (scientific?) mind - children know how to dance before ever having seen it. I -*VERY*- strongly believe this. Children know how to move to music and how to appreciate it before ever being taught. Babies can even sing (in their own words) to music before they have any form of language, or learned understanding of what singing even IS.

And then there is the absolutely UNIVERSAL fact that people everywhere in the entire world look as children as something different - something to protect, something deserving of more - something that is innocent and pure, and WORTH protecting.

So I find myself wondering if we enter this world a bit closer to our spiritual selves that we were before than people traditionally think about. If, over time, our environment and exposure to this world "taint" us to the point that we become less pure, less innocent, less deserving of "protecting". Bear in mind, I am not saying that "tainted" people are not worth protecting - I am just speaking to the general world view that seems to change as a baby becomes a small child and transitions into adulthood.

So this is a long way of saying that for me, at this time, I believe in God, but sadly, for me, that belief in God comes primarily from tangible things I have experienced in my own life. I picture a time when I believe in God wholly independent of any tangible experiences I have had in this life - that is the level of belief I am striving for. I think that so long as my belief is founded on the tangibility of things in this world, I run the risk of having that belief (that Faith) faltering when times get hard. This is something I need to work on, something I need to pray about, something I need to read about.

Faith is a gift. Faith is what lets us see the truth of the scripture instead of it being a collection of words. I believe that the more strong and complete your Faith is, the more complete your vision and knowledge and CERTAINTY of how you must act becomes.

So now, when I look at random people on the street, I have been reminding myself that they started their journey as a spirit walking with God just as I did. They may have had a harder life experience than I did. Their Faith may be less (or more!) than mine, but we are the same in the end - we are siblings of Jesus.

Motivational Passwords

2009-02-23T08:01:00.002-07:00

I had been meaning to write this for a week now, but I thought I'd get it out there now since I just thought of it again.

In my work and personal life, I use a lot of passwords. Some of them are kept on the computers I use (in other words, I don't type them in every day) and others I use all the time.

During my divorce, I chose to use some passwords that exemplified how I felt about my ex wife. Without really thinking about it, I typed those passwords in on a daily basis, over and over and over.

During my journey, I have been changing those passwords to more healthy. At first, I sought merely to change them to something "not unhealthy". Then, when I reflected on how much of an effect typing those negative passwords over and over had on me, I decided to seek out an entirely new password process.

At my work, I am required to change passwords fairly often. I have already learned that passwords can have an effect on me through the repetitive typing of them. I will now use motivational phrases in my passwords - focusing on something that I need to do in my life.

Then each time I need to change my passwords, I will reflect on how well I have accomplished that goal, or addressed that thought. Then I will choose another appropriate message for myself.

Just a thought.

The Christmas Spirit

2009-02-23T06:14:00.003-07:00

In the back of my mind, I have known that I need to talk to my parents about my journey. I have known that I need to tell them about my upcoming Baptism, as well my upcoming trip to Utah to visit a friend (and to see the Draper Temple).

One of the things that seems most difficult about this will be answering the question "why?" in a way that they will understand. It has been over a week now that I have known that "because this is the right path for me" is sufficient enough answer, but I have longed to communicate more of what the foundational reasons are in a way that they would actually understand.

This morning as I was going about my day preparing to go pick up my two wonderful children from my ex wife, I remembered something as I was thinking about the Spirit.

A long time ago - some time in the late 70's I believe, when I was a young child, I experienced one of the most memorable Christmases I have ever had. I have no recollection of a single gift I received, I don't recall who was over for Christmas, save my immediate family, and I don't even remember what we ate that day.

But I won't ever forget that Christmas.

My Mother was in the choir at church. It was a Catholic church. She really enjoyed singing in the choir. I remember it was a very dramatic change because instead of sitting in church with my Mother and Father and siblings, my brother and sister and I sat there with our Father while my Mother was in the choir for the entire service. I would look at her and the other people in choir throughout church service and they all seemed like good people.

My Mother was happier than she had been in quite some time. I remember she went to choir practice - I don't remember how often, but it was VERY odd for her to be away from the family. She really enjoyed it though. She made really good friends with another couple in the choir. I can't remember back far enough to remember their names, but I can almost see their faces. I rememeber these two people were touched with the Holy Ghost. Even as a small child I could feel it. I could feel their influence on my Mother, and later, on my Father as well.

The entire season leading up to Christmas that year was special. My Mother was in tune with the Spirit and somehow, in a rare miracle, my Father was as well. I remember my Mother talking to him about her experiences with the people in the choir, and he was supportive of her, and even seemed to enjoy being involved with them himself. There were Christmas games they played with each other in the days leading up to Christmas - thoughtful gifts left at our doorstep with naught but a doorbell ring to let us know it was there. No tag to say who it was from. As a child, I was filled with wonder about all of this.

Looking back, I distinctly remember what a special time that was for our entire family. We were all VERY close to Jesus that year, and Christmas was so much more about Jesus than it was the gifts and everything else.

But some time after Christmas, that all ended. I don't even remember what happened. I think perhaps the couple that had brought the Holy Ghost into our lives moved away. I was too young to really remember what happened.

I intend to talk to my parents about that Christmas. I have no doubt they will remember it - it was an extremely special time for our entire family. I think I'd like to find those people again if possible, to thank them for having touched my life so long ago.

From now on, I want EVERY Christmas I have to be touched by the Christmas Spirit like it was that time so long ago.

Cleaning house

2009-02-22T21:02:00.004-07:00

So..........

I've given this some thought before posting this out here in the open. I didn't consult a lawyer first. Who knows, maybe this is a bad idea, but I'm gonna put my Faith in God that sharing this with the public at large is of more good than hiding it would be.

I guess I'll start with what I think is the more "common" thing people do.

I had a TON of mp3s from CDs I don't own. I deleted those mp3s earlier tonight. ALL of them.

I have an iTunes account and tomorrow I'll be buying music there. I'll also be making mp3s of the few CDs I actually do own. All the music I listen to at home and in my car will be music that I have compensated the artists for. And that is the right thing to do.

So, continuing on here...

I had a BUNCH of movies I didn't own - copies, on a computer, waiting to be watched. Now I honestly DO own a ton of DVDs and Blurays, so I have compensated a lot of people for movies I like, but the point here is - for all the ones I hadn't bought, I was effectively stealing money from the people that worked on the movies.

And, I had a LOT of software on my computers that I hadn't purchased.

I have now deleted all of that, purchased legitimate copies of the software I need, and reinstalled everything from scratch on my computers.

It took me a while to get the nerve to do this, but I eventually got there.

Technology these days makes it so easy. Too easy. Using technology, it is possible to steal pretty much any song anyone has ever made, any movie ever made, and any software that exists for computers. You can do this from the privacy of your own home and while it is POSSIBLE to be caught, it isn't very likely.

During the course of my journey, I have come to realize the hypocrisy of trying to tell my children not to steal while I steal from others myself. At first, I tried to justify it to myself. I tried to think of ways I could explain it to my kids.

For some reason, for me, picturing what it would be like to be a child having their parent "explain" to them why it was ok to steal software (or movies, or music) just makes it SO clear. How is that child going to feel about their parent?

I mean SURE, kids love free things, and what kid isn't going to like free music and movies? Is that what we want as parents? To teach our children selective right and wrong? To actually ENDORSE outright theft of things like music just because "it's cool"?

I've decided I don't want to be "that" parent. So I'm cleaning house.

Autopilot

2009-02-22T20:43:00.002-07:00

[Excerpted from a letter to a friend]

What would you think if someone told you they were living their life on autopilot? Me, I think I would have thought that was really bad.

But what if it was a completely different kind of autopilot?

What if the "AI" (Artificial Intelligence) in the autopilot was actually the Holy Ghost?

I have tried this, and it is amazing! Basically the idea is to follow all those "feelings" you have throughout your day. Every time that "little voice" in your head tells you you REALLY should go do such and such or so an so... you actually DO IT! It is odd, but it actually makes for an easier and more satisfying day. :)

I had an interesting thing happen to me the other day. A friend of mine was sharing a web article about facebook - about how some people were having tons of "normal" friends on facebook but then later having their boss and family ask them to be friends. So at that point, one night of indiscretion (with photos) and they could be in a really bad way what with their parents and boss seeing it and it talked of people even losing their jobs over this sort of thing.

Then the article explained how you could group your facebook friends into categories. You can have friends that can see everything in your life, then you can hide certain things from your family, and from your boss. Or you could even hide specific things from specific friends. All sorts of controls exist to manage this kind of thing.

And then I thought about the bigger meaning of this as it extends to real life. Think about that for a moment! You basically end up hiding from your own family who you are because you don't want them to know. You portray yourself one way to your boss, another to your "close friends", another way to other people, etc. etc.

My kids are such imitators. I think all kids are, it is part of how they learn. They teach me so very much, my kids do. And I think about them a lot. Especially lately. I think about how to teach them the right of things. How to make sure they KNOW the Truth of it. I think about how I have to teach them in such a true manner that they not only teach their OWN children, but it goes further than that.

That facebook example just kindof cemented it for me. So very much of the conflict I have when I think about these things is SOLVED if you follow the Righteous path yourself. I had given my friend (the one that told me about the facebook article) the advice: The best way to solve that problem is to not do things that you don't want people to know about.

And I realized that this was the advice I needed to give myself. The BEST way to teach my children the right way to live their lives is most assuredly NOT to tell them. It isn't even to point them at the Bible or the Book of Mormon or the Church.

The best way for ME to teach my children how to live their lives is to live my own life the best I possibly can. To follow the Righteous path to the fullest of my ability. AND to do those other things - to talk to them, to share the scripture with them, to share the Church with them.

Up until I had this revelation, I had known with certainty that the Church was the right path for me, that I would eventually become a member of the Church, but I didn't feel I was ready to be baptized. I felt I had more to learn or something more to do, I wasn't sure of what.

The realization that I needed to live this life not only for myself but that I played a large part in how my children and their children's children would be as people, somehow this was the final answer I needed.

A few nights ago, I got a sort of reality check as well. I went to the Temple in Mesa and watched the Joseph Smith movie they had there. I thought I knew some things about his life from what I had read up to that point, but I had NO idea!

In my reading of the scripture, I thought so many times how easy it would be to follow God if you had the Lord Almighty manifest himself in front of you, if you had an Angel come down from heaven to guide you, if Moroni came into your bedroom to speak to you. And I thought of how many times Nephi's brethren lost their way AFTER having witnessed so much blatant PROOF of God! Even Lehi lost his way! As I read those scriptures I found it almost mind boggling that these men could lose their faith after the proof they had witnessed.

Then as I watched the movie last night, it really hit me, the truth of it.

We all have things that try our faith in this life. Many of us are very VERY fortunate to not have so many things try our faith as Joseph was tested. Seeing his life and thinking about what it must have been like for him, putting myself in his shoes, it just blew me away. Even those of us that have the very MOST faith are tried again and again.

It really taught me that I must be ever vigilant. So easily could I lose sight of the path, so easily could I lose my way. I am reminded of the closeness to the Spirit that I had in my youth, and how I forgot it, how I turned away.

I told a friend the other day that I felt Joseph Smith had endured nearly as much as Jesus Christ had. Bear in mind, I read the Bible a LONG time ago (when I read it cover to cover), so I had actually forgotten a lot since then. My friend reminded me of the garden of Gethsemane, and pointed me to some scripture. He told me of how Jesus had sweat blood from every pore. I truly didn't remember THAT, but in reading a little of the scripture, I did remember Peter. And I remembered how I had felt when I had read about him so long ago.

How Jesus had told Peter that before the cock had crowed thrice that he would deny him. I remember that. I remember when I read that and was POSITIVE that Peter would never do any such thing! Peter! He was so faithful!

And then in the face of what they did to Jesus, he did just that. Even as I read it as a child, when he denied Jesus the first time, I felt so bad. I couldn't believe it. And then he denied Jesus twice more.

I think about that and I think about the movie last night. No matter how sure we are of our faith, we will be tested. The devil is remarkably tenacious.

I liken it to the portion in the garden of Gethsemane where Jesus asks his disciples to watch and pray. And he keeps coming back to find them sleeping. I have had times in my life where I have been so tired I could scarcely stay awake. I picture Jesus asking me to stay vigilant, to watch and to pray when I was that tired. I hope I could do as he asked, but at the same time I know how much of a struggle it would be.

So for now, I am focused on following the Spirit as it guides me, and I am thankful that God has given me a relatively easy path to follow just now. I am hopeful that before my road becomes more difficult that I will be more accustomed to following the Spirit and will be able to stay on track.

The little things...

2009-02-18T05:39:00.002-07:00

A couple of quotes to start off with:

"Some people are stumbling over the big things in the dark, while others are wiping the dust off the furniture" - a new good friend of mine

"The Lord won't give you anything more than you can handle" - The Bible?

The first quote has to do with people that haven't "seen the light" yet. They are stumbling around in the dark, unable to see the big picture yet, and they are really struggling with some of the big things in life. I certainly don't mean to imply that I am now dusting off the furniture, but I would DEFINITELY say that I was recently stumbling over the big things! My recent enlightenment has moved me further along the path, and I am thankful for that.

The second quote is one that again, I have heard it again and again, to the point that its' relevance is all but lost on me. One of those phrases that I hear or think about and go "Oh, it's the saying that says such and such... ok..." rather than thinking about the MEANING of it. I think this is a danger all of us face in words that we hear too often. When our hearts are "hardened", we fail to embrace the words and seek out their meaning. It becomes so easy (for me anyway) to just stumble over those words, reading them, realizing the meaning of the INDIVIDUAL words, but not even trying to look at what the "big picture" meaning of them is. To risk possibly having a revelation of a new or different meaning by thinking about them again. For me, this is kindof a laziness that I have - if I have "already" learned something, I tend to be "done" with it.

As I write this, I realize I need a third quote, one that has some amazing relevance to me as an individual:

2Nephi28,29-30
"Wo be unto him that shall say: We have received the word of God, and we need no more of the word of God, for we have enough!
For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have."

These are words that I know I individually must read often. I need to remind myself of their meaning and I need to find a way to not glance over these words and lose their significance.

I am one that needs to continue reading. I am one that absolutely CAN NOT say "I need no more of the word of God, for I have enough!" - for that will be my downfall, and I can feel it. Therein lies my personal devil; that is the method of my undoing, and I see it even now, so I must fight it.

So in the last few days, I had felt that I was not experiencing any more great revelations or amazing new insights or similar things. In thinking this, I felt it wasn't time to post on this blog because up until now, the revelations I have had occasion to share were extremely powerful to me. I felt it necessary to wait until something similar happened to post again. I have realized since then that this is a blog on which I need to post periodically. This is a journal of sorts, and I think a lack of posting here is a sign that I have strayed from the Righteous path, as my doubt in recent days has been.

Therefore, I share some things that are NOT insignificant, but rather are QUITE significant. But in my zeal to go down the iron rod in leaps and bounds, I lost sight of the small steps we all must take.

I have been walking with the Lord. I have been aware of Him throughout each day since I had that sincere revelation. This is an amazing and a wondrous thing. There are times that I wish I didn't know he was there, for he commands me to be Righteous, and the devil does tempt me to falter. But I have remained true to the path, and I need to remember how special it is not only that the Lord walks with me but even moreso - that I recognize it!

For me, one of the biggest benefits of knowing that I walk with the Lord is that I seem much more in tune with the promptings I receive. Much more willing to act on them. I have received so very many promptings in my life up to now and I have been so willing to embrace laziness and ignore them up until now.

What I say now, I say for myself to read for all time:

Following ALL of the promptings throughout a day is an AMAZING thing! It is like having someone at your side the whole day long guiding you down the correct path. At the end of such a day, you can look back and know that you have done Good. You can look back and know that your next days will be easier because THIS day you did what you should have. And if you follow the promptings the next day, they will be even easier the next.

For me, promptings cover the entire gamut. I had a prompting to give a specific message to two people. That one I resisted for a while, it felt so odd to me... More often, the promptings I receive are the knowledge that that "little chore" - that "small task" - that "thing so easily put off until later" is something I need to do right now. And if I do it right now, it is done, and I feel good for having done it. And I am not reminded later that I didn't do it. And I don't put it off the next day, and the next, and the next. All the energy and negativity of thinking about not having done something - GONE. And all the benefits that come from actually DOING that task, those benefits are here, and they are real, and they are tangible, and they are Good.

So, a couple of examples. I write this both to remind myself and to possibly help others as they walk down this path.

The first one, not so pleasant - the bathroom toilet...

Yes, it was backed up. And on the one hand, I was blessed that it never overflowed. On the other hand, it was backed up. And my Mother was coming the next day to watch my children while I went to some training. And the toilet was backed up. And it was 8pm at night, and I had no one to watch my children. Fortunately, the kids hadn't quite gone to sleep yet, they were in their pajamas and IN bed, but they hadn't fallen asleep yet. So I put shoes on them and I took them with me to a local CVS pharmacy very close to my house. My thought was that I could get a plunger and get out very quickly because it was such a small store. It had no plunger. So I packed the kids BACK into the car and I took them to a grocery store where I searched and ALSO failed to find a plunger. I was looking in the section with the toilet bowl brushes and felt certain that that is where it would be if they had one, and they didn't. Just as I felt the grip of despair and the knowledge that I was going to now have to drive several miles to yet a third store, I turned around, and there on the other side of the aisle, were plungers! I would never have thought of a toilet bowl plunger as a blessing, but at that moment, it definitely was! Fast forwarding to the point in time where my children were in bed, asleep and the toilet was back to normal, it had taken some effort to get the kids packed up in the car to visit two stores at that time of night, but I was really glad for having done it. I slept a lot better last night as a result. Now rather than handing over the house to my Mother with a real problem, I hand it over to my Mother with NO problems. I feel much better for that.

Finally, I had another prompting to talk about. Yesterday morning, I had a prompting to invite a new friend in my neighborhood over for dinner. I was to invite he and his wife and son over. I had an extremely busy day going at work and I knew I was going to have a lot of work preparing dinner for three other people. I don't normally do the whole "x number of courses with condiments and plates and silverware for everyone". What I usually do is I fix two things for myself and my children, I prepare their plates and put their plates on the table and we eat. Usually by the time I sit down to dinner, I have everything I got out to prepare the meal put away - in the pantry, the fridge, or the dishwasher.

So I was in nearly five hours of meetings for work yesterday and realized it was going to be late before I could call my new friend to invite them over. Part of me wanted to do just that - so my friend would say they already had other plans or had already eaten and I would get out of having to prepare the meal. But instead, while I was on the phone, I texted him and invited him over, and he accepted. Which was good. I knew in my heart that I needed to do this.

I had a meeting get canceled on me (actually moved to the next day is what happened), and that gave me some extra time to prepare. I scurried about and got everything ready for them to come over for the meal. I didn't have a meal anywhere near as nice as what my Mother usually prepares, but I did have hamburgers and hot dogs, tater tots, corn on the cob, some beans, and fixin's for the hamburgers.

It took a while to get everything finished preparing and in doing so, I did end up with some overcooked buns in the oven (they really dried out). That was the one casualty. We still used the buns and I think everyone enjoyed the meal (I certainly did).

It felt amazingly good to "host" dinner at my house. I can't even describe how good it felt - I knew it was something I needed to do, and I felt so much better for having done it, regardless of the work involved.

When the meal was over, I had a really good time talking to my new friends and they even helped me clean up the dishes and everything. We sat down and talked about a lot of things including the Church and some scripture.

I don't know specifically what I needed out of having them over for dinner, but I know I needed to do that yesterday. I feel so much better for having done it, and I think it has gone to start a good friendship with them. I found some surprising common interests with them that I sure didn't expect, and I think our future together as friends is a nice one. :)

So I just needed to sit down and write this all out this morning to remind myself that sometimes when I am in the middle of living my life, and following the path, that even though I may not be having unbelievable revelations of the magnitude I first did when starting the path, amazing things do continue to happen.

My life is better for following the promptings and for knowing that the Lord walks with me. And perhaps even more importantly, my childrens lives are better. They made a new friend yesterday! :)

And He walks with me

2009-02-16T06:09:00.001-07:00

Another Revelation.

Last night I prayed. Out loud. I haven't done that since I was in grade school.

I opened my heart and I got some answers. It didn't manifest itself the way I had hoped, but I hope for too much too soon.

What I learned last night was simple fact. I have read it in the Bible in my youth, I have seen references to it my entire life, but I never took the simple reality of it so truly to heart as I have now.

In scripture, it often says "as God is my witness". In scripture there is talk of those moments where people experience the Holy Ghost or the Spirit or even God Himself.

There is a poem that has (and I pray will continue to) ALWAYS given me chills as I feel the Holy Spirit. I don't know if I was initially so young and innocent when I first read it as to not expect the outcome before it was revealed, but I was truly taken aback by the poem. That poem is entitled "Footprints in the Sand".

Every reference to that Poem that I have seen before this morning has always said "Author Unknown". Today as I searched for it, I found what is apparently an official page, one that gives reference to the apparent actual author. I intend to read more later on, but for now, here is a link to the poem:

Footprints in the Sand

Again I say - that poem, throughout my life, has always brought the Spirit close to me. It has never once failed me.

Yet I still did not see the fullness of its' Truth.

The plain and simple Truth is this - the Holy Spirit is with us always. Yes, I know we have read that and "know" it. But for me, I wasn't taking it to heart.

I have ALWAYS throughout my entire life had a simple problem. I have sought to blame others for this problem, but the problem is my own to bear. I have lived a dual life.

When people are around me, I have lived my life one way.

When they are not, I have lived my life another.

I have always thought - no one is here right now, why must I follow the same principles as if they were?

I have actually seen True worldly impacts of this line of thinking. Children are the most innocent and True imitators I have ever experienced in Life. My son, who is a mere four years old, has begun to pick up on some of the things I have done when "people aren't around". This has some extremely negative implications that I didn't even realize until this writing. For one - I was discounting my own children as people to live up to a certain standard around. Who was I to judge at what age they would suddenly warrant my living to the same standard as the rest of society?

I had even pondered having discussions with my son explaining how he needed to act one way when other people were around (because frankly, it embarrassed me) and another when they weren't. The interesting thing is - even though I thought to have that conversation with my son several times, I never did. I could see through his eyes the falseness of it, even if I wasn't willing to see it through my own. I could see that to try to explain this to him would confuse him. I could see that he would ask a question for which I had no answer - "Why"?

So it is with great Joy that I have discovered an amazing Truth this last night! It is such a simple Truth and it has been with me such a short time, and it has given me such direction and purpose and satisfaction.

The Holy Spirit is with us always. As we know, the Holy Spirit, the Holy Ghost, Jesus Christ, God Himself, they are all one in the same.

So the ramifications of this are simple, but many.

1. We are never alone.

2. God bears witness to everything we do, even in private.

3. The concept I have had all my life of "seeking out God" if I wanted help, of "calling out to Him" if I had some major need in my life, this is all quite ridiculous. God is with me always, inside me. I need not seek Him out, I need only ask.

4. The knowledge that I am never alone is comforting and it provides me with something I have been missing in my life - direction of what to do in my "alone" time. For reasons I cannot explain, I no longer feel so lost when I am alone.

You see, after my recent divorce, I now have times in my life where I do not have my children with me. This weekend in particular; It is my normal weekend without the children, but additionally, I do not have them today, on Monday, as I normally would (because today is a holiday). So this will end up being three days in a row without my children.

I had thought I would be spending the weekend alone, and I was quite loathe to experience that. My first thought was to go seek out various forms of distraction so as to not dwell on this fact.

But now I am actually comforted, knowing that He is with me, and so I go about my household chores this weekend without the heavy heart I had expected. I go about my days with purpose and with fulfillment.

He truly does walk with me.

Seeing the path is not walking the path

2009-02-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

Another revelation.

I feel that I now can see the path I need to follow. On the one hand I am amazed by how simple the path looks. It seems so very obvious.

And then there is the walking of that path. I see the Truth that merely seeing the path does not mean you are truly WALKING that path.

I feel that if I can truly embrace the Spirit that the walking of the path will be as simple as seeing it.

I am not yet there.

The Spirit Guides Me

2009-02-15T17:42:00.000-07:00

I need only listen.

I have had a revelation. I have had MANY revelations.

I have so very many thoughts and feelings and emotions. There is no way I could possibly capture them all in a single sitting.

I fear though. I fear that I will forget. Not because I want to forget, but because I have forgotten in the past.

I write here now because I want to remember. I want to guide myself if I falter in the future. I want to have a reference, a guidepost, that will help me find my way again if ever I lose my way.

When I was a young man, I had occasion to sit with people from my church in private gatherings. In those gatherings I felt the Spirit. I truly did.

To describe it, it was like a shock to my heart. It was a shiver. It was raw emotion. It was strong and nearly brought me to tears each time it happened. And I KNEW it was the Spirit. I knew this truly.

And the people I was with, they practiced this in private. They believed this in private. They too experienced the Spirit. And when they left the private places in which we had these meetings, they left the Spirit behind. And so did I.

I have always been one to soak up and absorb and understand other people's feelings, their emotions, the way they act. I have spent my entire life fitting in, learning the way of the populace and finding my own way to live harmoniously with as many of them as I could. That last is what has done me in I am afraid. I was trying to please everyone. It was more important to me to not offend a single person than to be honest and true to my own self.

So I saw around me people that shunned God. They shunned the Spirit. These people have been around me my entire life. I learned from them - I learned that I must not publicly embrace God or the Spirit. These things were not to be talked about, for they were not "normal".

Later in life, I was around a great many people that were of a specific Faith. I knew the majority of these people were good, wholesome people. I could sense in them a Purity. I have always had a certain thing about me to be able to get a grasp of people's nature. I do not understand it, but it is there. I had a calling. My calling was to join them in their religion. But alas, I did not.

My parents I thought - what would they think? They had another religion. Their religion was the one I had grown up with. Their religion was the one in which you practiced your religion for but an hour a week. You went to the church and you believed in God for an hour. And then you went home and no longer believed in God. But I didn't see the truth of this. I only knew that they would shun me if I shunned their religion. So I maintained.

Later in life I came to know more people of the religion of my calling. I actually knew in mere moments that some of them were incredibly good and honest and decent people. I saw in them that they would bare a part of their soul. They would deign to let on that they had religion. They would actually mention it. They lived it in their lives. They honored Sunday. They honored their family, and their family honored them. And I had the calling. I was again called to join the religion, but I did not.

Still later in my life, I was struggling greatly. The calling was strong this time. I had people close in my life that would surely have made things miserable for me if I took up the calling. I even went to a friends' home. I talked to them about their religion. They welcomed me into their home (they and their wife) and they bared their souls to me. They answered many blunt and ignorant questions. They risked our friendship by explaining to me the inner workings of their lives, of their church, of the things that they held Holy. I listened, and I didn't take it in. I didn't believe. I heard their words, but I didn't take them in and make them my own. I walked away.

Thankfully, I did maintain my friendship with them, however.

And then came some extremely troubling times in my life, a time of great sorrow and pain and searching. Over many months I struggled and ended up coming out on the other side a better person. A person of opportunity, and of fortune, a person with great potential.

Right as I was rebuilding my life, a life that seemed to surely have the most obvious signs of being a rich, fulfilling life, I had some friends who lost their jobs. They were in trouble and despair and searching for their future. And yet I was fortunate, as had happened so many times before in my life, where I seemingly by merely the luck of the draw ended up having good things happen to me.

Over and over in my life, so many countless times I had had great fortune and had things just work out for me without having to work for them.

And I had grown up seeing so many others that tried so hard and had such a troubling time in their lives. They had so many misfortunes that they had to overcome.

I certainly had some misfortunes in my life, but being honest with myself, they were few. And the majority of what I experienced in life was fortune. In fact, someone might say I had a guardian angel over me for my entire life. So very many times this was true.

So there I was, doing quite well for myself. I had most every material thing I could possibly have wanted, I had two absolutely beautiful children, and I was able to provide for them and spend time with them and share in their life.

And I was utterly empty.

I wasn't in despair, for emptiness was something I had had in my life for a very long time. I had hardened myself to it, grown used to it, even embraced it. I had let the emptiness guide my life. I wasn't taking control of the direction of my life, I was fueling the emptiness, giving the emptiness what it wanted. I was identifying what was similar to the emptiness that I had, and I sought it out to make it my own.

I think this emptiness was greed. It was haughtiness. It was many things, none of them good. I do know that I fed it though. And for this, I am embarrassed; I am shamed; I am apologetic; and I am sorrowful.

I then had occasion to go through a yearbook of mine from twenty four years ago. In reading through the various things people had written, I came across one in particular. The entry said simply:

"You are a really cool guy. I am glad I got to know you so well. I hope we have some classes together next year. Have a great Summer! Your friend..."

I have left their name out. But you can read the words - they truly are simple.

In reading them, however, I was actually overwhelmed by the Spirit. I didn't know it at the time, but that is what it was. I nearly wept the instant I read those words.

I remembered the individual that wrote those words. He was an extremely popular person in the school. He was a person that by any normal measure had absolutely no purpose talking to me. I was many orders of magnitude below him in the social hierarchy of the school. However, he did speak to me. And he spoke to me on many occasions. And he spoke to me when others were around. Other popular people. He didn't abruptly stop our conversation if people walked nearby or others overheard that he had been talking to me. This individual treated me as an equal. What is more, we had virtually nothing in common. We shared no interests that I can recall.

In fact, probably the most memorable thing about my conversations with them was that it was abundantly obvious that this individual talked with me out of kindness alone. There was no other purpose or reason for our conversations.

And to anyone reading this, it probably seems a small thing that this individual chose to use a phrase like "you are a really cool guy", that they had gotten to know me so well, or that they signed it "your friend".

I can honestly say I don't remember what the level of interaction I had with them was - I am certain we had at least one class together. I think I even sought them out to have some conversations with them because it made me feel good to have someone so popular actually talk to me without wondering WHY I had even thought to look them in the eye.

But I write this to explain that we had seemingly a very simple acquaintance, and that it was a great many years ago.

When I read their words, the memories of this individual seemingly struck me as a blow. I had a flash of memory of the times they had looked at me, of the times they had talked to me, of the simple manner of their conversation. Of the goodness I saw and felt in this person. Of the purity of their Spirit.

I felt utterly compelled to contact them. Some part of me needed to validate whether this was something only from so long ago, or if this person was still this way. If they would still have time to converse with someone that they had not known particularly well, that they (PROBABLY) might not even remember at all.

So I contacted them. Twenty four years later, they were willing to talk to me and they were very gracious in their manner.

In reading this, I would expect that most people would think that I must be a truly lonely person, one with no friends of any kind. I say this because in reading what I have written above, it strikes me - "this person must have never had a friendship in their whole life"!

I have had the great fortune to have many friends in my life, many of them for well over a decade. In some of my recent struggles in life, I had the rare occasion to actually need more help from my friends than mere words. My friends stood up and helped me in ways that truly humbled me. I learned from my friends what it IS to be a friend. I sincerely hope to be as good a friend to others in my own life.

So why then, would this very simple acquaintance from so long ago have such a strong impact on me?

I truly do not know. I mean that very sincerely.

But it did.

So I suppose in all honesty, my reaching out to this person may be seen as some form of a test. I was probing to see if, in the intervening years, this person had become hardened. If they had become callous and pompous. If, in their popularity, they would no longer take the time to talk to an individual that they had no particular thing in common with.

I again felt the Spirit when they passed this "test" (I truly hate to use that word, but in looking back, I suppose that is truly what I did. I, for some reason, needed to validate for myself that this person was STILL a good person. Why I needed that confirmation, I do not know. For myself, I am glad that they WERE still a good person, for if they were not, perhaps I would never have heeded the calling!)

I was compelled to talk to this person about their religion. So I began to converse with a mere acquaintance from twenty four years ago, who lived in another state, about their religion. This was truly a rather bizarre circumstance, and it was an odd thing for me to do.

They shared with me not only some information, but a willingness to go well out of their way to have some local people contact me and communicate more about the Church to me.

I eventually was able to talk to some teachers from the Church who came into my home and shared prayer with me. They shared information about their Faith with me. At that time, I was not feeling the Spirit. I actually felt a little disappointed for not having felt it. They left with me some of the works of their Church for me to read. I agreed to visit their Church the next day.

Immediately after they left, I was compelled to read the work they had left with me. I was compelled to read it from beginning to end. It is a fairly long work, and I was not able to immediately read it to completion, but I read what I could.

The truth of it was apparent to me. I saw beyond the words and beyond the specific details of what was written. The Spirit explained it to me.

I will now attempt to convey that which I understood from having read what I have thus far:

1. As so many people before me have said, there is Good and there is Evil in this world.

2. These works give Evil the name of the devil. All that which is truly Good in our world comes from God.

3. To truly move on successfully from this life, one must fully embrace all that is Good.

4. Through prayer and reflection, one can discern that which is Right from that which is Wrong.

5. The many words in Holy literature strive to explain just how dire things are if you fall prey to the devil. It is a complex subject - both the temptations and the repercussions.

6. Not only is it important to follow the Righteous path to be successful, but one must understand that the fullness of Time is a long time in coming. Therefore, it is not enough to save oneself. One must labor to save all that they can. This starts first and foremost with ones' family.

I am but a very very new follower of this religion, but I see the truth of this. In my youth, I actually read the Bible from beginning to end. I was very young at the time, and I am quite certain I don't retain all of it. I remember Revelations scared me quite a bit. It seemed almost as a completely different work than all of the rest of the Bible - it made the final days quite obvious in the carnage and the repercussions and aftermath. Everything up to that point I felt I could take one of many ways, but Revelations, as they say, was all "Fire and Brimstone" kind of stuff.

So having said that, I feel very fortunate in that I think the reading and understanding of the myriad works available to me will serve primarily to refine my knowledge of the truth of what we are to do in this life.

I can say this because I now see the Truth that is the following:

We have it within our selves to know Right from Wrong. We must only listen.

The truth of the preceding is so very simple.

The reason that it is NOT simple to live by and follow is equally simple - the devil tempts us.

So that is why I write what I write here. I wish to remember and to not EVER forget that if I lose my way, I must again listen to the Spirit. I must open myself to hear it, as I hear it now.

Over and over again, in the scriptures I read phrases like "hardening" of hearts. There is also the phrase "softening" of hearts.

I believe the "hardening" of ones' heart is when someone shuts themselves off from the Spirit.

I believe the "softening" of ones' heart is when someone allows the Spirit in.

Therefore, when your heart is "soft" - when you let the Spirit in, you can see the truth of the Righteous path - you can merely ask and KNOW what decision you must make, for the truth of it will lie in your own heart for you to understand.

However, when your heart is "hard" - you do not let the Spirit in, and you openly allow the devil to guide your path.

So the truth of the scripture for me is that we must always have "soft" hearts - we must ALWAYS let the Spirit in - for it will guide us. As soon as we allow ourselves to "harden" our hearts - to cut off the Spirit, we immediately lose our way and are guided by the devil.

So I find myself asking, how Pure must we be? How "Good" do we have to be to be able to succeed in this life?

And I realize, this question is one that is asked with a "hardened" heart. This question is asked by someone that hasn't yet fully made the transition to embrace the Spirit fully in all things.

Fortunately, I am close enough to that full embrace of the Spirit, that I truly believe I have had the revelation of the truest answer to the most important question in all our lives:

WE MUST BE AS PURE AND AS GOOD AS WE CAN POSSIBLY BE.

We know this in our "soft" heart. It is our "hard" heart that doesn't know the truth of this.

So I realize that I need to open myself fully to the Spirit. And in doing so, I will embark on a journey of fulfillment, of Righteousness, and of Purity.

On the course of that journey, I expect that I will progressively become closer and closer to the person I must become. Closer to the person that will succeed in this life. I know the road. It is a straight and a narrow road. And it is a rod of iron. And it leads to the white fruit. The fruit from the Tree that is precious above all.

In this life, we strive to walk the iron rod. We strive to attain the white fruit. And we strive to show others the same path.

The white fruit is a Pure life. A life without the devil in it.

I begin my journey. And the Spirit guides me.

I need only listen.