Motivational Passwords

I had been meaning to write this for a week now, but I thought I'd get it out there now since I just thought of it again.

In my work and personal life, I use a lot of passwords. Some of them are kept on the computers I use (in other words, I don't type them in every day) and others I use all the time.

During my divorce, I chose to use some passwords that exemplified how I felt about my ex wife. Without really thinking about it, I typed those passwords in on a daily basis, over and over and over.

During my journey, I have been changing those passwords to more healthy. At first, I sought merely to change them to something "not unhealthy". Then, when I reflected on how much of an effect typing those negative passwords over and over had on me, I decided to seek out an entirely new password process.

At my work, I am required to change passwords fairly often. I have already learned that passwords can have an effect on me through the repetitive typing of them. I will now use motivational phrases in my passwords - focusing on something that I need to do in my life.

Then each time I need to change my passwords, I will reflect on how well I have accomplished that goal, or addressed that thought. Then I will choose another appropriate message for myself.

Just a thought.

The Christmas Spirit

In the back of my mind, I have known that I need to talk to my parents about my journey. I have known that I need to tell them about my upcoming Baptism, as well my upcoming trip to Utah to visit a friend (and to see the Draper Temple).

One of the things that seems most difficult about this will be answering the question "why?" in a way that they will understand. It has been over a week now that I have known that "because this is the right path for me" is sufficient enough answer, but I have longed to communicate more of what the foundational reasons are in a way that they would actually understand.

This morning as I was going about my day preparing to go pick up my two wonderful children from my ex wife, I remembered something as I was thinking about the Spirit.

A long time ago - some time in the late 70's I believe, when I was a young child, I experienced one of the most memorable Christmases I have ever had. I have no recollection of a single gift I received, I don't recall who was over for Christmas, save my immediate family, and I don't even remember what we ate that day.

But I won't ever forget that Christmas.

My Mother was in the choir at church. It was a Catholic church. She really enjoyed singing in the choir. I remember it was a very dramatic change because instead of sitting in church with my Mother and Father and siblings, my brother and sister and I sat there with our Father while my Mother was in the choir for the entire service. I would look at her and the other people in choir throughout church service and they all seemed like good people.

My Mother was happier than she had been in quite some time. I remember she went to choir practice - I don't remember how often, but it was VERY odd for her to be away from the family. She really enjoyed it though. She made really good friends with another couple in the choir. I can't remember back far enough to remember their names, but I can almost see their faces. I rememeber these two people were touched with the Holy Ghost. Even as a small child I could feel it. I could feel their influence on my Mother, and later, on my Father as well.

The entire season leading up to Christmas that year was special. My Mother was in tune with the Spirit and somehow, in a rare miracle, my Father was as well. I remember my Mother talking to him about her experiences with the people in the choir, and he was supportive of her, and even seemed to enjoy being involved with them himself. There were Christmas games they played with each other in the days leading up to Christmas - thoughtful gifts left at our doorstep with naught but a doorbell ring to let us know it was there. No tag to say who it was from. As a child, I was filled with wonder about all of this.

Looking back, I distinctly remember what a special time that was for our entire family. We were all VERY close to Jesus that year, and Christmas was so much more about Jesus than it was the gifts and everything else.

But some time after Christmas, that all ended. I don't even remember what happened. I think perhaps the couple that had brought the Holy Ghost into our lives moved away. I was too young to really remember what happened.

I intend to talk to my parents about that Christmas. I have no doubt they will remember it - it was an extremely special time for our entire family. I think I'd like to find those people again if possible, to thank them for having touched my life so long ago.

From now on, I want EVERY Christmas I have to be touched by the Christmas Spirit like it was that time so long ago.

Cleaning house

So..........

I've given this some thought before posting this out here in the open. I didn't consult a lawyer first. Who knows, maybe this is a bad idea, but I'm gonna put my Faith in God that sharing this with the public at large is of more good than hiding it would be.

I guess I'll start with what I think is the more "common" thing people do.

I had a TON of mp3s from CDs I don't own. I deleted those mp3s earlier tonight. ALL of them.

I have an iTunes account and tomorrow I'll be buying music there. I'll also be making mp3s of the few CDs I actually do own. All the music I listen to at home and in my car will be music that I have compensated the artists for. And that is the right thing to do.

So, continuing on here...

I had a BUNCH of movies I didn't own - copies, on a computer, waiting to be watched. Now I honestly DO own a ton of DVDs and Blurays, so I have compensated a lot of people for movies I like, but the point here is - for all the ones I hadn't bought, I was effectively stealing money from the people that worked on the movies.

And, I had a LOT of software on my computers that I hadn't purchased.

I have now deleted all of that, purchased legitimate copies of the software I need, and reinstalled everything from scratch on my computers.

It took me a while to get the nerve to do this, but I eventually got there.

Technology these days makes it so easy. Too easy. Using technology, it is possible to steal pretty much any song anyone has ever made, any movie ever made, and any software that exists for computers. You can do this from the privacy of your own home and while it is POSSIBLE to be caught, it isn't very likely.

During the course of my journey, I have come to realize the hypocrisy of trying to tell my children not to steal while I steal from others myself. At first, I tried to justify it to myself. I tried to think of ways I could explain it to my kids.

For some reason, for me, picturing what it would be like to be a child having their parent "explain" to them why it was ok to steal software (or movies, or music) just makes it SO clear. How is that child going to feel about their parent?

I mean SURE, kids love free things, and what kid isn't going to like free music and movies? Is that what we want as parents? To teach our children selective right and wrong? To actually ENDORSE outright theft of things like music just because "it's cool"?

I've decided I don't want to be "that" parent. So I'm cleaning house.

Autopilot

[Excerpted from a letter to a friend]

What would you think if someone told you they were living their life on autopilot? Me, I think I would have thought that was really bad.

But what if it was a completely different kind of autopilot?

What if the "AI" (Artificial Intelligence) in the autopilot was actually the Holy Ghost?

I have tried this, and it is amazing! Basically the idea is to follow all those "feelings" you have throughout your day. Every time that "little voice" in your head tells you you REALLY should go do such and such or so an so... you actually DO IT! It is odd, but it actually makes for an easier and more satisfying day. :)

I had an interesting thing happen to me the other day. A friend of mine was sharing a web article about facebook - about how some people were having tons of "normal" friends on facebook but then later having their boss and family ask them to be friends. So at that point, one night of indiscretion (with photos) and they could be in a really bad way what with their parents and boss seeing it and it talked of people even losing their jobs over this sort of thing.

Then the article explained how you could group your facebook friends into categories. You can have friends that can see everything in your life, then you can hide certain things from your family, and from your boss. Or you could even hide specific things from specific friends. All sorts of controls exist to manage this kind of thing.

And then I thought about the bigger meaning of this as it extends to real life. Think about that for a moment! You basically end up hiding from your own family who you are because you don't want them to know. You portray yourself one way to your boss, another to your "close friends", another way to other people, etc. etc.

My kids are such imitators. I think all kids are, it is part of how they learn. They teach me so very much, my kids do. And I think about them a lot. Especially lately. I think about how to teach them the right of things. How to make sure they KNOW the Truth of it. I think about how I have to teach them in such a true manner that they not only teach their OWN children, but it goes further than that.

That facebook example just kindof cemented it for me. So very much of the conflict I have when I think about these things is SOLVED if you follow the Righteous path yourself. I had given my friend (the one that told me about the facebook article) the advice: The best way to solve that problem is to not do things that you don't want people to know about.

And I realized that this was the advice I needed to give myself. The BEST way to teach my children the right way to live their lives is most assuredly NOT to tell them. It isn't even to point them at the Bible or the Book of Mormon or the Church.

The best way for ME to teach my children how to live their lives is to live my own life the best I possibly can. To follow the Righteous path to the fullest of my ability. AND to do those other things - to talk to them, to share the scripture with them, to share the Church with them.

Up until I had this revelation, I had known with certainty that the Church was the right path for me, that I would eventually become a member of the Church, but I didn't feel I was ready to be baptized. I felt I had more to learn or something more to do, I wasn't sure of what.

The realization that I needed to live this life not only for myself but that I played a large part in how my children and their children's children would be as people, somehow this was the final answer I needed.

A few nights ago, I got a sort of reality check as well. I went to the Temple in Mesa and watched the Joseph Smith movie they had there. I thought I knew some things about his life from what I had read up to that point, but I had NO idea!

In my reading of the scripture, I thought so many times how easy it would be to follow God if you had the Lord Almighty manifest himself in front of you, if you had an Angel come down from heaven to guide you, if Moroni came into your bedroom to speak to you. And I thought of how many times Nephi's brethren lost their way AFTER having witnessed so much blatant PROOF of God! Even Lehi lost his way! As I read those scriptures I found it almost mind boggling that these men could lose their faith after the proof they had witnessed.

Then as I watched the movie last night, it really hit me, the truth of it.

We all have things that try our faith in this life. Many of us are very VERY fortunate to not have so many things try our faith as Joseph was tested. Seeing his life and thinking about what it must have been like for him, putting myself in his shoes, it just blew me away. Even those of us that have the very MOST faith are tried again and again.

It really taught me that I must be ever vigilant. So easily could I lose sight of the path, so easily could I lose my way. I am reminded of the closeness to the Spirit that I had in my youth, and how I forgot it, how I turned away.

I told a friend the other day that I felt Joseph Smith had endured nearly as much as Jesus Christ had. Bear in mind, I read the Bible a LONG time ago (when I read it cover to cover), so I had actually forgotten a lot since then. My friend reminded me of the garden of Gethsemane, and pointed me to some scripture. He told me of how Jesus had sweat blood from every pore. I truly didn't remember THAT, but in reading a little of the scripture, I did remember Peter. And I remembered how I had felt when I had read about him so long ago.

How Jesus had told Peter that before the cock had crowed thrice that he would deny him. I remember that. I remember when I read that and was POSITIVE that Peter would never do any such thing! Peter! He was so faithful!

And then in the face of what they did to Jesus, he did just that. Even as I read it as a child, when he denied Jesus the first time, I felt so bad. I couldn't believe it. And then he denied Jesus twice more.

I think about that and I think about the movie last night. No matter how sure we are of our faith, we will be tested. The devil is remarkably tenacious.

I liken it to the portion in the garden of Gethsemane where Jesus asks his disciples to watch and pray. And he keeps coming back to find them sleeping. I have had times in my life where I have been so tired I could scarcely stay awake. I picture Jesus asking me to stay vigilant, to watch and to pray when I was that tired. I hope I could do as he asked, but at the same time I know how much of a struggle it would be.

So for now, I am focused on following the Spirit as it guides me, and I am thankful that God has given me a relatively easy path to follow just now. I am hopeful that before my road becomes more difficult that I will be more accustomed to following the Spirit and will be able to stay on track.

The little things...

A couple of quotes to start off with:

"Some people are stumbling over the big things in the dark, while others are wiping the dust off the furniture" - a new good friend of mine

"The Lord won't give you anything more than you can handle" - The Bible?

The first quote has to do with people that haven't "seen the light" yet. They are stumbling around in the dark, unable to see the big picture yet, and they are really struggling with some of the big things in life. I certainly don't mean to imply that I am now dusting off the furniture, but I would DEFINITELY say that I was recently stumbling over the big things! My recent enlightenment has moved me further along the path, and I am thankful for that.

The second quote is one that again, I have heard it again and again, to the point that its' relevance is all but lost on me. One of those phrases that I hear or think about and go "Oh, it's the saying that says such and such... ok..." rather than thinking about the MEANING of it. I think this is a danger all of us face in words that we hear too often. When our hearts are "hardened", we fail to embrace the words and seek out their meaning. It becomes so easy (for me anyway) to just stumble over those words, reading them, realizing the meaning of the INDIVIDUAL words, but not even trying to look at what the "big picture" meaning of them is. To risk possibly having a revelation of a new or different meaning by thinking about them again. For me, this is kindof a laziness that I have - if I have "already" learned something, I tend to be "done" with it.

As I write this, I realize I need a third quote, one that has some amazing relevance to me as an individual:

2Nephi28,29-30
"Wo be unto him that shall say: We have received the word of God, and we need no more of the word of God, for we have enough!
For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have."

These are words that I know I individually must read often. I need to remind myself of their meaning and I need to find a way to not glance over these words and lose their significance.

I am one that needs to continue reading. I am one that absolutely CAN NOT say "I need no more of the word of God, for I have enough!" - for that will be my downfall, and I can feel it. Therein lies my personal devil; that is the method of my undoing, and I see it even now, so I must fight it.

So in the last few days, I had felt that I was not experiencing any more great revelations or amazing new insights or similar things. In thinking this, I felt it wasn't time to post on this blog because up until now, the revelations I have had occasion to share were extremely powerful to me. I felt it necessary to wait until something similar happened to post again. I have realized since then that this is a blog on which I need to post periodically. This is a journal of sorts, and I think a lack of posting here is a sign that I have strayed from the Righteous path, as my doubt in recent days has been.

Therefore, I share some things that are NOT insignificant, but rather are QUITE significant. But in my zeal to go down the iron rod in leaps and bounds, I lost sight of the small steps we all must take.

I have been walking with the Lord. I have been aware of Him throughout each day since I had that sincere revelation. This is an amazing and a wondrous thing. There are times that I wish I didn't know he was there, for he commands me to be Righteous, and the devil does tempt me to falter. But I have remained true to the path, and I need to remember how special it is not only that the Lord walks with me but even moreso - that I recognize it!

For me, one of the biggest benefits of knowing that I walk with the Lord is that I seem much more in tune with the promptings I receive. Much more willing to act on them. I have received so very many promptings in my life up to now and I have been so willing to embrace laziness and ignore them up until now.

What I say now, I say for myself to read for all time:

Following ALL of the promptings throughout a day is an AMAZING thing! It is like having someone at your side the whole day long guiding you down the correct path. At the end of such a day, you can look back and know that you have done Good. You can look back and know that your next days will be easier because THIS day you did what you should have. And if you follow the promptings the next day, they will be even easier the next.


For me, promptings cover the entire gamut. I had a prompting to give a specific message to two people. That one I resisted for a while, it felt so odd to me... More often, the promptings I receive are the knowledge that that "little chore" - that "small task" - that "thing so easily put off until later" is something I need to do right now. And if I do it right now, it is done, and I feel good for having done it. And I am not reminded later that I didn't do it. And I don't put it off the next day, and the next, and the next. All the energy and negativity of thinking about not having done something - GONE. And all the benefits that come from actually DOING that task, those benefits are here, and they are real, and they are tangible, and they are Good.

So, a couple of examples. I write this both to remind myself and to possibly help others as they walk down this path.

The first one, not so pleasant - the bathroom toilet...

Yes, it was backed up. And on the one hand, I was blessed that it never overflowed. On the other hand, it was backed up. And my Mother was coming the next day to watch my children while I went to some training. And the toilet was backed up. And it was 8pm at night, and I had no one to watch my children. Fortunately, the kids hadn't quite gone to sleep yet, they were in their pajamas and IN bed, but they hadn't fallen asleep yet. So I put shoes on them and I took them with me to a local CVS pharmacy very close to my house. My thought was that I could get a plunger and get out very quickly because it was such a small store. It had no plunger. So I packed the kids BACK into the car and I took them to a grocery store where I searched and ALSO failed to find a plunger. I was looking in the section with the toilet bowl brushes and felt certain that that is where it would be if they had one, and they didn't. Just as I felt the grip of despair and the knowledge that I was going to now have to drive several miles to yet a third store, I turned around, and there on the other side of the aisle, were plungers! I would never have thought of a toilet bowl plunger as a blessing, but at that moment, it definitely was! Fast forwarding to the point in time where my children were in bed, asleep and the toilet was back to normal, it had taken some effort to get the kids packed up in the car to visit two stores at that time of night, but I was really glad for having done it. I slept a lot better last night as a result. Now rather than handing over the house to my Mother with a real problem, I hand it over to my Mother with NO problems. I feel much better for that.

Finally, I had another prompting to talk about. Yesterday morning, I had a prompting to invite a new friend in my neighborhood over for dinner. I was to invite he and his wife and son over. I had an extremely busy day going at work and I knew I was going to have a lot of work preparing dinner for three other people. I don't normally do the whole "x number of courses with condiments and plates and silverware for everyone". What I usually do is I fix two things for myself and my children, I prepare their plates and put their plates on the table and we eat. Usually by the time I sit down to dinner, I have everything I got out to prepare the meal put away - in the pantry, the fridge, or the dishwasher.

So I was in nearly five hours of meetings for work yesterday and realized it was going to be late before I could call my new friend to invite them over. Part of me wanted to do just that - so my friend would say they already had other plans or had already eaten and I would get out of having to prepare the meal. But instead, while I was on the phone, I texted him and invited him over, and he accepted. Which was good. I knew in my heart that I needed to do this.

I had a meeting get canceled on me (actually moved to the next day is what happened), and that gave me some extra time to prepare. I scurried about and got everything ready for them to come over for the meal. I didn't have a meal anywhere near as nice as what my Mother usually prepares, but I did have hamburgers and hot dogs, tater tots, corn on the cob, some beans, and fixin's for the hamburgers.

It took a while to get everything finished preparing and in doing so, I did end up with some overcooked buns in the oven (they really dried out). That was the one casualty. We still used the buns and I think everyone enjoyed the meal (I certainly did).

It felt amazingly good to "host" dinner at my house. I can't even describe how good it felt - I knew it was something I needed to do, and I felt so much better for having done it, regardless of the work involved.

When the meal was over, I had a really good time talking to my new friends and they even helped me clean up the dishes and everything. We sat down and talked about a lot of things including the Church and some scripture.

I don't know specifically what I needed out of having them over for dinner, but I know I needed to do that yesterday. I feel so much better for having done it, and I think it has gone to start a good friendship with them. I found some surprising common interests with them that I sure didn't expect, and I think our future together as friends is a nice one. :)

So I just needed to sit down and write this all out this morning to remind myself that sometimes when I am in the middle of living my life, and following the path, that even though I may not be having unbelievable revelations of the magnitude I first did when starting the path, amazing things do continue to happen.

My life is better for following the promptings and for knowing that the Lord walks with me. And perhaps even more importantly, my childrens lives are better. They made a new friend yesterday! :)

And He walks with me

Another Revelation.

Last night I prayed. Out loud. I haven't done that since I was in grade school.

I opened my heart and I got some answers. It didn't manifest itself the way I had hoped, but I hope for too much too soon.

What I learned last night was simple fact. I have read it in the Bible in my youth, I have seen references to it my entire life, but I never took the simple reality of it so truly to heart as I have now.

In scripture, it often says "as God is my witness". In scripture there is talk of those moments where people experience the Holy Ghost or the Spirit or even God Himself.

There is a poem that has (and I pray will continue to) ALWAYS given me chills as I feel the Holy Spirit. I don't know if I was initially so young and innocent when I first read it as to not expect the outcome before it was revealed, but I was truly taken aback by the poem. That poem is entitled "Footprints in the Sand".

Every reference to that Poem that I have seen before this morning has always said "Author Unknown". Today as I searched for it, I found what is apparently an official page, one that gives reference to the apparent actual author. I intend to read more later on, but for now, here is a link to the poem:

Footprints in the Sand

Again I say - that poem, throughout my life, has always brought the Spirit close to me. It has never once failed me.

Yet I still did not see the fullness of its' Truth.

The plain and simple Truth is this - the Holy Spirit is with us always. Yes, I know we have read that and "know" it. But for me, I wasn't taking it to heart.

I have ALWAYS throughout my entire life had a simple problem. I have sought to blame others for this problem, but the problem is my own to bear. I have lived a dual life.

When people are around me, I have lived my life one way.

When they are not, I have lived my life another.

I have always thought - no one is here right now, why must I follow the same principles as if they were?

I have actually seen True worldly impacts of this line of thinking. Children are the most innocent and True imitators I have ever experienced in Life. My son, who is a mere four years old, has begun to pick up on some of the things I have done when "people aren't around". This has some extremely negative implications that I didn't even realize until this writing. For one - I was discounting my own children as people to live up to a certain standard around. Who was I to judge at what age they would suddenly warrant my living to the same standard as the rest of society?

I had even pondered having discussions with my son explaining how he needed to act one way when other people were around (because frankly, it embarrassed me) and another when they weren't. The interesting thing is - even though I thought to have that conversation with my son several times, I never did. I could see through his eyes the falseness of it, even if I wasn't willing to see it through my own. I could see that to try to explain this to him would confuse him. I could see that he would ask a question for which I had no answer - "Why"?

So it is with great Joy that I have discovered an amazing Truth this last night! It is such a simple Truth and it has been with me such a short time, and it has given me such direction and purpose and satisfaction.

The Holy Spirit is with us always. As we know, the Holy Spirit, the Holy Ghost, Jesus Christ, God Himself, they are all one in the same.

So the ramifications of this are simple, but many.

1. We are never alone.

2. God bears witness to everything we do, even in private.

3. The concept I have had all my life of "seeking out God" if I wanted help, of "calling out to Him" if I had some major need in my life, this is all quite ridiculous. God is with me always, inside me. I need not seek Him out, I need only ask.

4. The knowledge that I am never alone is comforting and it provides me with something I have been missing in my life - direction of what to do in my "alone" time. For reasons I cannot explain, I no longer feel so lost when I am alone.

You see, after my recent divorce, I now have times in my life where I do not have my children with me. This weekend in particular; It is my normal weekend without the children, but additionally, I do not have them today, on Monday, as I normally would (because today is a holiday). So this will end up being three days in a row without my children.

I had thought I would be spending the weekend alone, and I was quite loathe to experience that. My first thought was to go seek out various forms of distraction so as to not dwell on this fact.

But now I am actually comforted, knowing that He is with me, and so I go about my household chores this weekend without the heavy heart I had expected. I go about my days with purpose and with fulfillment.

He truly does walk with me.

Seeing the path is not walking the path

Another revelation.

I feel that I now can see the path I need to follow. On the one hand I am amazed by how simple the path looks. It seems so very obvious.

And then there is the walking of that path. I see the Truth that merely seeing the path does not mean you are truly WALKING that path.

I feel that if I can truly embrace the Spirit that the walking of the path will be as simple as seeing it.

I am not yet there.

The Spirit Guides Me

I need only listen.

I have had a revelation. I have had MANY revelations.

I have so very many thoughts and feelings and emotions. There is no way I could possibly capture them all in a single sitting.

I fear though. I fear that I will forget. Not because I want to forget, but because I have forgotten in the past.

I write here now because I want to remember. I want to guide myself if I falter in the future. I want to have a reference, a guidepost, that will help me find my way again if ever I lose my way.

When I was a young man, I had occasion to sit with people from my church in private gatherings. In those gatherings I felt the Spirit. I truly did.

To describe it, it was like a shock to my heart. It was a shiver. It was raw emotion. It was strong and nearly brought me to tears each time it happened. And I KNEW it was the Spirit. I knew this truly.

And the people I was with, they practiced this in private. They believed this in private. They too experienced the Spirit. And when they left the private places in which we had these meetings, they left the Spirit behind. And so did I.

I have always been one to soak up and absorb and understand other people's feelings, their emotions, the way they act. I have spent my entire life fitting in, learning the way of the populace and finding my own way to live harmoniously with as many of them as I could. That last is what has done me in I am afraid. I was trying to please everyone. It was more important to me to not offend a single person than to be honest and true to my own self.

So I saw around me people that shunned God. They shunned the Spirit. These people have been around me my entire life. I learned from them - I learned that I must not publicly embrace God or the Spirit. These things were not to be talked about, for they were not "normal".

Later in life, I was around a great many people that were of a specific Faith. I knew the majority of these people were good, wholesome people. I could sense in them a Purity. I have always had a certain thing about me to be able to get a grasp of people's nature. I do not understand it, but it is there. I had a calling. My calling was to join them in their religion. But alas, I did not.

My parents I thought - what would they think? They had another religion. Their religion was the one I had grown up with. Their religion was the one in which you practiced your religion for but an hour a week. You went to the church and you believed in God for an hour. And then you went home and no longer believed in God. But I didn't see the truth of this. I only knew that they would shun me if I shunned their religion. So I maintained.

Later in life I came to know more people of the religion of my calling. I actually knew in mere moments that some of them were incredibly good and honest and decent people. I saw in them that they would bare a part of their soul. They would deign to let on that they had religion. They would actually mention it. They lived it in their lives. They honored Sunday. They honored their family, and their family honored them. And I had the calling. I was again called to join the religion, but I did not.

Still later in my life, I was struggling greatly. The calling was strong this time. I had people close in my life that would surely have made things miserable for me if I took up the calling. I even went to a friends' home. I talked to them about their religion. They welcomed me into their home (they and their wife) and they bared their souls to me. They answered many blunt and ignorant questions. They risked our friendship by explaining to me the inner workings of their lives, of their church, of the things that they held Holy. I listened, and I didn't take it in. I didn't believe. I heard their words, but I didn't take them in and make them my own. I walked away.

Thankfully, I did maintain my friendship with them, however.

And then came some extremely troubling times in my life, a time of great sorrow and pain and searching. Over many months I struggled and ended up coming out on the other side a better person. A person of opportunity, and of fortune, a person with great potential.

Right as I was rebuilding my life, a life that seemed to surely have the most obvious signs of being a rich, fulfilling life, I had some friends who lost their jobs. They were in trouble and despair and searching for their future. And yet I was fortunate, as had happened so many times before in my life, where I seemingly by merely the luck of the draw ended up having good things happen to me.

Over and over in my life, so many countless times I had had great fortune and had things just work out for me without having to work for them.

And I had grown up seeing so many others that tried so hard and had such a troubling time in their lives. They had so many misfortunes that they had to overcome.

I certainly had some misfortunes in my life, but being honest with myself, they were few. And the majority of what I experienced in life was fortune. In fact, someone might say I had a guardian angel over me for my entire life. So very many times this was true.

So there I was, doing quite well for myself. I had most every material thing I could possibly have wanted, I had two absolutely beautiful children, and I was able to provide for them and spend time with them and share in their life.

And I was utterly empty.

I wasn't in despair, for emptiness was something I had had in my life for a very long time. I had hardened myself to it, grown used to it, even embraced it. I had let the emptiness guide my life. I wasn't taking control of the direction of my life, I was fueling the emptiness, giving the emptiness what it wanted. I was identifying what was similar to the emptiness that I had, and I sought it out to make it my own.

I think this emptiness was greed. It was haughtiness. It was many things, none of them good. I do know that I fed it though. And for this, I am embarrassed; I am shamed; I am apologetic; and I am sorrowful.

I then had occasion to go through a yearbook of mine from twenty four years ago. In reading through the various things people had written, I came across one in particular. The entry said simply:

"You are a really cool guy. I am glad I got to know you so well. I hope we have some classes together next year. Have a great Summer! Your friend..."

I have left their name out. But you can read the words - they truly are simple.

In reading them, however, I was actually overwhelmed by the Spirit. I didn't know it at the time, but that is what it was. I nearly wept the instant I read those words.

I remembered the individual that wrote those words. He was an extremely popular person in the school. He was a person that by any normal measure had absolutely no purpose talking to me. I was many orders of magnitude below him in the social hierarchy of the school. However, he did speak to me. And he spoke to me on many occasions. And he spoke to me when others were around. Other popular people. He didn't abruptly stop our conversation if people walked nearby or others overheard that he had been talking to me. This individual treated me as an equal. What is more, we had virtually nothing in common. We shared no interests that I can recall.

In fact, probably the most memorable thing about my conversations with them was that it was abundantly obvious that this individual talked with me out of kindness alone. There was no other purpose or reason for our conversations.

And to anyone reading this, it probably seems a small thing that this individual chose to use a phrase like "you are a really cool guy", that they had gotten to know me so well, or that they signed it "your friend".

I can honestly say I don't remember what the level of interaction I had with them was - I am certain we had at least one class together. I think I even sought them out to have some conversations with them because it made me feel good to have someone so popular actually talk to me without wondering WHY I had even thought to look them in the eye.

But I write this to explain that we had seemingly a very simple acquaintance, and that it was a great many years ago.

When I read their words, the memories of this individual seemingly struck me as a blow. I had a flash of memory of the times they had looked at me, of the times they had talked to me, of the simple manner of their conversation. Of the goodness I saw and felt in this person. Of the purity of their Spirit.

I felt utterly compelled to contact them. Some part of me needed to validate whether this was something only from so long ago, or if this person was still this way. If they would still have time to converse with someone that they had not known particularly well, that they (PROBABLY) might not even remember at all.

So I contacted them. Twenty four years later, they were willing to talk to me and they were very gracious in their manner.

In reading this, I would expect that most people would think that I must be a truly lonely person, one with no friends of any kind. I say this because in reading what I have written above, it strikes me - "this person must have never had a friendship in their whole life"!

I have had the great fortune to have many friends in my life, many of them for well over a decade. In some of my recent struggles in life, I had the rare occasion to actually need more help from my friends than mere words. My friends stood up and helped me in ways that truly humbled me. I learned from my friends what it IS to be a friend. I sincerely hope to be as good a friend to others in my own life.

So why then, would this very simple acquaintance from so long ago have such a strong impact on me?

I truly do not know. I mean that very sincerely.

But it did.

So I suppose in all honesty, my reaching out to this person may be seen as some form of a test. I was probing to see if, in the intervening years, this person had become hardened. If they had become callous and pompous. If, in their popularity, they would no longer take the time to talk to an individual that they had no particular thing in common with.

I again felt the Spirit when they passed this "test" (I truly hate to use that word, but in looking back, I suppose that is truly what I did. I, for some reason, needed to validate for myself that this person was STILL a good person. Why I needed that confirmation, I do not know. For myself, I am glad that they WERE still a good person, for if they were not, perhaps I would never have heeded the calling!)

I was compelled to talk to this person about their religion. So I began to converse with a mere acquaintance from twenty four years ago, who lived in another state, about their religion. This was truly a rather bizarre circumstance, and it was an odd thing for me to do.

They shared with me not only some information, but a willingness to go well out of their way to have some local people contact me and communicate more about the Church to me.

I eventually was able to talk to some teachers from the Church who came into my home and shared prayer with me. They shared information about their Faith with me. At that time, I was not feeling the Spirit. I actually felt a little disappointed for not having felt it. They left with me some of the works of their Church for me to read. I agreed to visit their Church the next day.

Immediately after they left, I was compelled to read the work they had left with me. I was compelled to read it from beginning to end. It is a fairly long work, and I was not able to immediately read it to completion, but I read what I could.

The truth of it was apparent to me. I saw beyond the words and beyond the specific details of what was written. The Spirit explained it to me.

I will now attempt to convey that which I understood from having read what I have thus far:

1. As so many people before me have said, there is Good and there is Evil in this world.

2. These works give Evil the name of the devil. All that which is truly Good in our world comes from God.

3. To truly move on successfully from this life, one must fully embrace all that is Good.

4. Through prayer and reflection, one can discern that which is Right from that which is Wrong.

5. The many words in Holy literature strive to explain just how dire things are if you fall prey to the devil. It is a complex subject - both the temptations and the repercussions.

6. Not only is it important to follow the Righteous path to be successful, but one must understand that the fullness of Time is a long time in coming. Therefore, it is not enough to save oneself. One must labor to save all that they can. This starts first and foremost with ones' family.

I am but a very very new follower of this religion, but I see the truth of this. In my youth, I actually read the Bible from beginning to end. I was very young at the time, and I am quite certain I don't retain all of it. I remember Revelations scared me quite a bit. It seemed almost as a completely different work than all of the rest of the Bible - it made the final days quite obvious in the carnage and the repercussions and aftermath. Everything up to that point I felt I could take one of many ways, but Revelations, as they say, was all "Fire and Brimstone" kind of stuff.

So having said that, I feel very fortunate in that I think the reading and understanding of the myriad works available to me will serve primarily to refine my knowledge of the truth of what we are to do in this life.

I can say this because I now see the Truth that is the following:

We have it within our selves to know Right from Wrong. We must only listen.

The truth of the preceding is so very simple.

The reason that it is NOT simple to live by and follow is equally simple - the devil tempts us.

So that is why I write what I write here. I wish to remember and to not EVER forget that if I lose my way, I must again listen to the Spirit. I must open myself to hear it, as I hear it now.

Over and over again, in the scriptures I read phrases like "hardening" of hearts. There is also the phrase "softening" of hearts.

I believe the "hardening" of ones' heart is when someone shuts themselves off from the Spirit.

I believe the "softening" of ones' heart is when someone allows the Spirit in.

Therefore, when your heart is "soft" - when you let the Spirit in, you can see the truth of the Righteous path - you can merely ask and KNOW what decision you must make, for the truth of it will lie in your own heart for you to understand.

However, when your heart is "hard" - you do not let the Spirit in, and you openly allow the devil to guide your path.

So the truth of the scripture for me is that we must always have "soft" hearts - we must ALWAYS let the Spirit in - for it will guide us. As soon as we allow ourselves to "harden" our hearts - to cut off the Spirit, we immediately lose our way and are guided by the devil.

So I find myself asking, how Pure must we be? How "Good" do we have to be to be able to succeed in this life?

And I realize, this question is one that is asked with a "hardened" heart. This question is asked by someone that hasn't yet fully made the transition to embrace the Spirit fully in all things.

Fortunately, I am close enough to that full embrace of the Spirit, that I truly believe I have had the revelation of the truest answer to the most important question in all our lives:

WE MUST BE AS PURE AND AS GOOD AS WE CAN POSSIBLY BE.

We know this in our "soft" heart. It is our "hard" heart that doesn't know the truth of this.

So I realize that I need to open myself fully to the Spirit. And in doing so, I will embark on a journey of fulfillment, of Righteousness, and of Purity.

On the course of that journey, I expect that I will progressively become closer and closer to the person I must become. Closer to the person that will succeed in this life. I know the road. It is a straight and a narrow road. And it is a rod of iron. And it leads to the white fruit. The fruit from the Tree that is precious above all.

In this life, we strive to walk the iron rod. We strive to attain the white fruit. And we strive to show others the same path.

The white fruit is a Pure life. A life without the devil in it.

I begin my journey. And the Spirit guides me.

I need only listen.