We reap what we sow

In my very first blog post, I remember I was thinking about "how good do I need to be" to make it to everlasting life, to live with our Father in heaven... I eventually came to the realization that it is our task here on earth to be as good as we can possibly be.

This past Friday, I learned what can happen when my brethren fail to follow that principle...

I knew I would have a conversation with my parents about my conversion to the Mormon Church. I had mixed feelings about the conversation - I knew I needed to have it for a variety of reasons, but I also knew how strong their feelings were on the matter. I had read much of the Book of Mormon, and had sought out much more information beyond that, both in the Church and on the Internet, through the use of Google. I thought I was pretty well prepared to answer questions that they might have.

As it turns out, the most compelling arguments my parents had against the religion were ones for which I had no defense. These primarily concerned my parents' own experiences interacting with Mormons. I have apparently been very fortunate in the majority of Mormons I have encountered in my adult life. A surprising number of my friends are Mormon (and I certainly didn't seek out Mormons as friends - I just enjoy being around good, wholesome people). My Mormon friends have always treated me with respect and I have seen great virtue in their actions and the way they have treated others.

My parents, on the other hand, have seen an entirely different picture. And they seemingly haven't met ANY "good" Mormons.

Stories I heard ranged from the distant past, when my sister was young and babysitting. She had been babysitting for a family for some months when one day they asked her "What ward are you in?". She asked what a ward was. That was the last babysitting job she had from them. Clearly, these people had trusted my sister enough to have hired her many times over many months. Why then, would they apparently stop hiring her based on nothing more than her not being Mormon? I told my parents that I didn't think this was right, that the Church teaches us to treat others how we ourselves would want to be treated. I explained that I had seen NOTHING that indicated that we should seek out only those individuals in the Church for our goods and services. The fact is, however, nothing I could say would prevent my parents' having seen how this one Mormon family had treated my sister.

My Father told me of people at his work that had hired someone because they were Mormon, even though they were not qualified to do the work, and even though others that WERE qualified, had applied. Again, there was nothing I could say or do to prevent this experience in my Father's life. It went against everything I have learned in my reading of the scripture, but yet, a fellow brother in the Church apparently did this and my Father witnessed it.

My parents told me of businesses that had apparently been completely boycotted by Mormon people. These were apparently thriving businesses that had done well until it was discovered that the owners were not Mormon. Supposedly, the Church then requested that its' membership no longer go to those businesses. Again, this seemed completely counter to everything I had read in scripture and that I had seen from my own Mormon friends. No matter what I said, I could not erase or fix these experiences in my parents' lives.

My parents explained that they were confused as to how I could be seeing such a vastly different experience in the Mormon Church than they had seen of its membership. They asked if I had experienced good in the Church, why was it that they had not seen any.

To these questions, there are no true answers. I explained to them that not everyone in an organization follows the precepts of it. They knew the truth of this, even from their own Catholic Church. But that doesn't change the apparent fact that their experience with every Mormon they have encountered has been a bad one.

The best solution to this problem that I can see is for me to live as close to Jesus teachings as I can. I need to be the example of the Church that my parents haven't ever seen. I pray that they will encounter others in the Church that are also good people, but I have no direct control over that. I intend to bring them to Church functions when I can, but they are inherently cynical and will judge those people as being on their best behavior.

I cannot fault my parents for being judgemental of the actions of our Church's membership during the week (ie, not on Sunday). How better to know what people believe than to see how they act when they think no one is looking?

We must all remember that whether we think anyone is looking or not, we walk with Jesus always. He sees everything we do, he sees how we treat every soul we encounter, he knows our every thought. We owe it to ourselves to be honest in our actions - to do that which we know in our hearts is right.

If we treat others, Mormon or not, with kindness, we treat Jesus with kindness. We are ALL brothers and sisters, Mormon or not.

If we treat non Mormon people negatively, we treat Jesus negatively.

And... we reap what we sow.

Temptation

Twenty years ago, I was quite a lonely man in terms of finding the lady of my dreams. I didn't know quite what I was looking for, but I knew I hadn't found it.

I had begun using the internet (which at the time was only addresses ending in .edu, .mil, .org and .net. As it turns out, .com didn't really hit wide use until 1991). In my use of the internet, I found, even twenty years ago, a means of talking to other people in real time (albeit text only). I met a young lady my own age that was going to school back East. She was similar to me in many respects - she was lonely, she hadn't had much experience with dating, she knew how to use the internet (this was VERY rare back then), and she seemed interested in me.

We talked a LOT. I began calling her on the phone, nearly every night. Long distance was a ton more expensive twenty years ago than it is now. We talked for hours every time we talked, and we talked about a great many things on the phone... let's just say we violated the law of chastity over the phone line...

I was going to fly out to visit her - at that point, she was in Illinois. I had talked to my friends about it, but they couldn't fathom the thought of me flying across country to see someone I hadn't ever met. Then I heard word she was dating someone - a Frenchman. I was devastated. I immediately knew she was no longer thinking of me as I had been thinking of her. The next time we talked, I pretty much cut off relations. That was probably fifteen years ago.

Then, ten years after that, after I had been married for several years, I received an email from her. She was married too, but had concerns about her marriage. She wanted to pick up where we had left off so long ago. Initially, we exchanged some emails and even talked on the phone, but we were in different places in our lives, so it was obvious things wouldn't be as they had been in the past. Before long, we stopped talking again.

Last year, a long time after I had initiated my divorce, there came a very difficult time in my life. My wife had decided to kick me out of my own home on false grounds. I was EXTREMELY fortunate that she made a mistake and told the police what had actually happened just minutes before she told a judge a completely different story. But that luck wouldn't help me for a month and a half. It took that long before I could get a day in court to show the evidence to a judge, at which point he immediately dismissed the order of protection that had kept me from going to my own home and spending the time with my children that I had before the order had been put in place.

That month and a half was an extremely difficult time in my life. I had to pay all the household bills for a home I wasn't living in (and had no idea how long it would be until I could get back into the house). I had to try to work while I also had so much time to spend talking with my lawyer, with the police, pouring over paperwork that might help me in court, filling out forms, etc. etc. I had to deal with not seeing my children at ALL for a time. It took my lawyer pressing very hard before I finally got to see my children for roughly 1/5 as much as I had been able to see them before this had been done to me. I explain all this because I was very distraught at this time and these are just some of the reasons why.

It was during my time of being kicked out of my own house that I received a phone call again from this girl from my past. Since my own marriage was not only over but actually now to a state where I hate nothing but pure, dire hatred for the woman that had done all these things to me, I felt it was time to talk to this girl from my past. I didn't think of her family. I didn't think of her husband, of her three children. I didn't think of what our discussions might do to them.

So we talked, at first, me explaining what had happened to me, then the two of us talking about what might have been. What might have happened if we had gotten married instead of going the direction our lives had gone. We discussed in great detail what kinds of things we might have experienced together (again violating the law of chastity). It turns out her husband had been out of town, and she had talked to me several times while he was out of town. Once he returned, she was (understandably!) less able to discuss those things with me. It was at this time that I first realized that what we had been doing could have a very bad effect on her family. We stopped talking.

That was October of last year.

It was almost half a year after that last conversation when I was Baptized. I have now lived for many weeks - living with the commandments, the word of wisdom, and specifically aware of the law of chastity, and adultery.

Then, just a few nights ago, I received a request from her for me to call her. I knew from past experience that most often, when she reached out to me, she was struggling with something. I felt very strong in my ability to uphold my covenants with God. Therefore, I called her up, hoping to comfort her, to help her, to do what I could for her without visiting the things we had done in the past.

I think in the back of my mind I had the knowledge that I would be tested, and I think I had some small doubts about how well I would pass the test, but I called her anyway.

At first, she and I just talked, like normal people. She was indeed struggling with her marriage, more than I could remember her having done in the past. This time though, it was my intention to try to help her. Eventually, though, she steered things back to some of the old topics we used to talk about. I interrupted her and told her I had found Jesus. I explained that I was looking for a wholesome, morally grounded wife. I told her I had joined the Mormon Church.

I was frankly stunned at some of her response - she knew enough (in Illinois mind you) about the Mormon Church to say "oh... That isn't just a choice of religion, that is a complete change of lifestyle. You won't be able to talk to me any more..." and she began to weep. I tried to comfort her, I tried to explain that as long as our discussions didn't go back to the topics we USED to discuss that I could still talk to her.

It was then that she went into a frenzy of temptation. This woman had known me for twenty years. She knew of most every fantasy I had ever had, every unfulfilled desire I had experienced in my life up to the point we had talked back last October.

She began to explain in great detail and with MUCH emotion all the things she wanted the two of us to experience together, the desires she had of me, what specifically she would fulfill for me. The temptation was unbelievably great. The more she realized that I wasn't reciprocating her feelings, the more of a frenzy she reached. And the more desire she had for me, the more temptation I felt. It was an absolutely herculean effort to tell her I had to go and to hang up the phone...

I spent that night having nightmares of her temptations. Of fear of my succumbing to them. I dreamed of an intense desire for her.

I woke up the next morning and as I took my shower I thought about what I could do. I struggled to think of how I could remove this temptation from my life but still retain my friendship with her. I had, after all, known her for twenty years. I couldn't envision cutting her off entirely.

Then it hit me. She was (for me), the same as drugs are to other people. She was something I couldn't have in my life. It was obvious the temptations were simply too great for me. I wish I had been stronger to the point that I hadn't been tempted at all, but I have to admit, I was.

So I deleted every single piece of correspondence with her that I had ever had. Twenty years of communication with her. I deleted her phone number from every location I had it in. I removed her from my friends lists.

I sent her one final communication. I asked her to love her husband and her family. I asked her to forget about me. I told her she was too much of a temptation for me. I asked her to not contact me again.

And then, in that moment, something happened. Up to that moment, I had still had the most intense desire for her temptations that I can describe. She had filled my ear with so many descriptions of things and they had been difficult to even picture being able to stop thinking about.

But in the moment after I had sent her my final communication asking her to love her family and to not contact me again, I felt a peace. All of my desire for her left me.

I knew in my heart that she and I had no chance of ever having made a good marriage. The entire foundation of our relationship was based on sinful desire. We had nothing else. What is more, she was married to a man who, in spite of so very many things she had done to him, in spite of so many character flaws that she had, he loved her. He cared for her and did things for her to show it. She didn't always see what he did, and there certainly were things she WISHED him to do that he didn't, but they are good for each other. But the bottom line is, she has a good, loving husband, and she needs to focus on him.

She needs to come to the same realization that I have - talking to me about such things is essentially adultery, even if no physical acts are done, she is thinking about and describing such acts. She needs to respect herself and her family enough to discontinue doing things like that.

So now I view temptation differently than I ever have before. I used to think of temptation as something like... wanting to buy a car you can't afford and either buying it or not. Of being offered a beer and either accepting it or not.

But now I realize that we may actually have times in our lives where someone makes a truly focused effort to tempt us. And in some cases, that temptation can come from someone that knows us well enough to be able to tempt us with complete knowledge of what would tempt us the most.

It reminds me of part of the ancient story "The Odyssey". Here is an excerpt:

"As we departed Circe's (SIR-seez) Island, she warned me of the impending danger ahead as we passed the island of the Sirens . She instructed me to plug up all of the ears of my crewmen and to have them tie me to the mast as the beauteous melodies that came from the Sirens cast a spell over those who hear it. Their tunes cause men to thrust themselves overboard into the sea and ultimately to their death.

I vowed to myself that this would not be the fate of my crew. I obeyed Circe’s advice and filled all of my seamen’s ears with wax. They then bound me to the mast tightly. I instructed them to keep me tied up, even if I begged and pleaded with them to untie me. The Sirens weren’t going to get another ship.

As we sailed by, I became desperate to lunge into the sea, but my crew obeyed my previous orders and just pulled me tighter to the mast. Then, as we sailed away, the music becoming fainter, I gave the signal to unseal their ears and untie me. We had conquered the Sirens."

I have tried to put wax into my ears, and the Spirit helps me with that. Temptation is a far more powerful thing than I previously gave credit to.

I think temptation is something we ALL need to take very very seriously.

A View From the Outside

I was asked to speak to the youth of my ward about my conversion. I chose to picture myself in Junior High, and thought of what I would tell a room full of Mormon Junior High students. This is what I read to them this past Sunday at their fireside.

How lucky you are. You may not realize it, but you are all exceedingly lucky. Your parents knew of this Church either before you were born (as I would guess is true for most of you), or, in the very least, some time before now. You go to Church, you go to firesides, and you hear people talking, giving you a great many messages that can help you for the rest of your lives.

But the question is – do you listen?

I don’t mean with your ears. What I mean is – do you listen to the Spirit inside you? Do you soften your heart and let the emotions inside you, do you put yourself in the shoes of the person talking and think about why it is that the Spirit touched them so much? Can you remember what it was like when you first learned about the Spirit, or the first time the Spirit touched you?

You see, I wasn’t Baptized at eight years old, as I assume most of you were. I was Baptized a mere two weeks ago.

In the few short weeks between missionaries coming to my home for the first time, and my Baptism, I read a lot of the Book of Mormon, and I did a lot of thinking about what it said. I want to share with you some of my thoughts – thoughts from someone that hasn’t been a member of the Church since birth.

Twenty four years ago, I knew a young man in my Junior High school. He was probably the second or third most popular person in my entire school. I was probably one of the least popular people in my school, and no one knew me – I had just moved here from Missouri. He was into sports. I wasn’t. We had absolutely nothing in common. Yet at the beginning of class every day he would ask me how I was doing. He would check in on me. He remembered little, insignificant details about what was going on with me. He would ask me how my program for my computer class was coming along – and he asked not because he was into computers, but because he knew I was. (You probably don’t know this, but twenty four years ago, computers were only used by geeks and nerds. Popular kids in school never even touched computers back then.)

I don’t remember seeing him much in High School, if at all, and I certainly didn’t see him after High School. Turns out he moved to Utah. But I remembered him. I remembered that he was LDS, I remembered that he was a good, kind person. As someone once said of how we should treat others – he was kinder than he had to be. That really struck me then, and I remembered it, for a long, long time.

We all know how nice we actually have to be. We know not to be rude to people. But that only goes so far. It is one thing to not call an annoying person a jerk. It is quite another to help someone you don’t even know when you have absolutely nothing to gain from it.

People notice kindness. So does Heavenly Father.

Matthew 25:40, paraphrased
Whatsoever you do unto the least of my brothers, that, you do unto me.

This works both ways. If we do something bad to someone, if we mistreat them, we do this to the Lord our God. Yet each act of kindness we visit upon another human being, we also do for Heavenly Father.

So why not listen to our hearts, listen to what we know is right and wrong, and take our actions based on that? For this to work though, we have to listen to the Spirit. And for us to be able to hear the Spirit, we need to let it in. We have to soften our hearts. We have to think about what impact our decisions have on others instead of thinking only about ourselves. Think about your co-workers, your family, your friends. Think even of the person that did something bad to you. Realize that just because someone wronged you does not make it ok for you to wrong them.

We know that if our baby brother bites our little sister that it is not ok for her to bite him back. By the same token, if someone does something to us that we don’t like, we need to remember it is not ok for us to treat them badly out of spite.

We all have the voice of the Spirit inside us. Unfortunately, we have the voice of the devil as well – always tempting us. Often times, what the devil is saying sounds so much more pleasant and easy than the voice of the Holy Ghost. The Holy Ghost is helping us keep our hand on the iron rod, walking steadfast toward the tree with the white fruit. It is up to us to listen to the voice that we choose.

When Nephi saw the vision of the Tree of Life, he saw the temptations of the devil, and the path to hell.

Nephi 12:16-17
“And the angel spake unto me, saying: Behold the fountain of filthy water which thy father saw; yeah, even the river of which he spake; and the depths thereof are the depths of hell. And the mists of darkness are the temptations of the devil, which blindeth the eyes, and hardeneth the hearts of the children of men, and leadeth them away into broad roads, that they perish and are lost.”

Nephi saw what temptation was capable of. He saw how it could keep us from following the Righteous path. When I read this, I realized that throughout my life I had imitated bad television shows and selfish people I knew even though I had read the Bible, and known right from wrong at an early age. Instead of living a Righteous life, it took some forty years before I let the light in. It took that long before I found the one True Church.

Before the missionaries came, I had many other Mormons in my life experience. They each taught me through their daily actions that they were good people. They did right, even when it would have been so much easier to have taken the easier path of temptation. They honored the Sabbath day, they spent time with their families, and they talked about God.

I ask each and every one of you to never forget the gift you all have in this Church. Always let the Spirit inside your heart. Reach out to those around you, friends or not, Mormon or not, and be nice to them. Love your neighbor. Treat others as you would want to be treated. Strive to do right rather than wrong.

Think, once in a while, what it must be like for people that don’t have the Church to help them in their lives. Put yourself in their shoes, think about how much it would help them to find their way. Reach out to those people when you can. Don’t expect your actions to convert them to the Church in that instant, but know in your heart that you are doing good, and that you are teaching by your example.

I thank Heavenly Father daily that my Mormon friends did that for me, for so many years of my life. My only regret is that it took such a long time for me to listen, for me to soften my heart enough to let the Spirit in so that I could find my way.

Who knows… maybe twenty four years from now, one of the people you treat nicely will remember your kindness and find the Church as I did. Your actions each and every day make a difference, whether you realize it or not.

The Spirit is in all our hearts, and it strives to guide us.

We need only listen.

If we soften our hearts and read the scripture, we will know the truth of it.

I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ.

Amen.

Life's Lesson

I have ADD (or ADHD or whatever they've chosen to call it these days). I don't know if that is what contributes to mood swings or if that is some other ailment. What I do know is that I've always been sensitive about things. And I have (at least from talking to others) a really good memory of my childhood.

I remember a time in grade school. I was in maybe 2nd or 3rd grade at the most. They had a time in class when you could put a record onto this little record player and put on these HUGE headphones with the massive coiled wire thingy connecting them to the record player. I had listened to many story records, but one day I listened to "Ugly Duckling". I remember weeping in my little tiny plastic chair while I listened to the story. I had such a feeling of sorry for the little duckling. I remember the teacher reading to a group of kids in a small circle to my left. I was concerned about them seeing me crying, but I hadn't heard the rest of the story yet, so I wiped my face with the back of my hand and tried to stop crying. Looking back, I think this was the first time I really noticed it. I hardened my heart. I knew from the other kids in class that it wasn't "normal" to cry from merely listening to a story. And the only way I could stop was to harden my heart. Of course back then, I didn't know what I was doing.

I have always had a relatively easy time picturing how others feel about things. Putting myself mentally into their shoes. This can be both a blessing and a curse.

Another story, one I read much later in life, was from "Chicken Soup for the Soul" (a 1993 Best Seller), though I think I read it in some other book. Here is the section that utterly ripped me apart:

"Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at Stanford Hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liza who was suffering from a rare and serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her five-year-old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, 'Yes, I'll do it if it will save Liza.'

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheeks. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, 'Will I start to die right away?'

Being young, the boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give her all his blood."

That story really (to me anyway) shows the love that we have as siblings before we "grow up". I am in NO way saying that adult siblings wouldn't be so selfless, but I think the older we are, the more we have to think about before we would make such a sacrifice.

I've been reading my way through Mosiah (I should finish it this evening in fact), but early on in my reading, I hit Chapter Four of Mosiah and made a blog post about it: here.

After I posted that, I began to think more about the repercussions mentioned. I began to think about what would happen if we knew the right path but failed to follow that path. I began to talk with my friends and with my Bishop about Mosiah Chapter Four. I learned a great deal through those discussions, and I have seen the importance of sharing the scripture questions we have with others we know. We can learn so much from others.

During those discussions, one friend in particular (Chris), mentioned two verses earlier in the same book:

Mosiah 3:18-19

"18. For behold he judgeth, and his judgment is just; and the infant perisheth not that dieth in his infancy; but men drink damnation to their own souls except they humble themselves and become as little children, and believe that salvation was, and is, and is to come, in and through the atoning blood of Christ, the Lord Omnipotent.

19. For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father."

I bolded the last section because it is very important I think. The very young do not question authority nearly as much as adults do. There is an age where we accept what our parents tell us "because". By this I mean, there is a time when we realize that we do NOT understand the WHY of our parents' requests, but we obey nonetheless.

I am absolutely not saying that we need to follow things blindly. But as adults, I think we tend to think to much sometimes. Well maybe you all don't, but I do. :)

So looking back to the section I bolded, we see how we would become as a child. We would need to be:

1. Submissive
2. Meek
3. Humble
4. Patient
5. Full of Love
6. Willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict

That list is intimidating. Who out there seeks out to be submissive? Meek?

Yet I think many would see being humble, patient, and full of love as virtuous qualities.

Why is it that society in general seems to shun these things though? Once we are an adult (and in reality, somewhere along the way BEFORE we become adults), we are taught by society to move away from these traits. I think there is more to it than simply "growing up".

To me personally, I see that list of six things as something that would be easy to attain if we were a pure hearted child, untainted by all the temptations and bad things in this world.

When I was a very young boy, still in gradeschool, I remember one occasion in which I came to respect my brother so very much. It is a memory filled with shame, but perhaps it will help to write it out.

I have a brother and a sister, both younger than me, my brother being the youngest. When we were very young, my Father was extremely strict (later in life he was merely VERY strict instead of being extremely strict...). We were always given a pile of vitamins to take every morning with breakfast and were under strict orders to take them. A few of them didn't taste particularly good, even during the brief time they'd be in my mouth. And then there was the fact that there were something like five or six of them (some of them somewhat large). I reached a point where I didn't like taking them and decided not to take them. I began hiding them each morning and later flushing them down the toilet.

One time, however, I suppose they didn't flush all the way. Dad found the remnants of a vitamin in the toilet. He immediately began the somewhat traditional interrogation that our household had become used to. He knew it had to be one of us three kids, so he interviewed us each, one by one, in front of the others. We all three denied it (yes, sadly, I lied). I knew that the repercussions of flushing the vitamins was going to be very severe. Dad had made it VERY clear that it was exceedingly important to him that we take the vitamins.

Eventually, with none of us admitting to the crime, he had us each stand in a corner. None of us were to sit or say anything. We stood in our respective corners (all in the same room) for several hours. My brother and sister (being younger) began to falter and have difficulty remaining standing. My Mother began to plead on our behalf to my Father. He would have none of it. He insisted that if it went on long enough that the guilty party would confess. I was quite resolute in not confessing. I had made my mind up that I would take the vitamins from then on, and that if he didn't ever know who had flushed them, that he would be forced to re-instill in us the importance of the vitamins without any severe punishment.

To my surprise, however, my brother, the youngest of us, had reached his limit. He was having trouble standing. He knew he hadn't done it (though he was briefly accused of having flushed a tablet used for a little scuba diving toy he had). But he confessed. He told Mom and Dad that he had done it and that he was sorry.

My brother had always been my Dad's favorite, and I don't recall specifically what happened to him but I vaguely remember it being something minor like being sent to his room to think about what he had done. Dad apologized to my sister and I for having punished us for something we hadn't done.

And, very sadly, I didn't admit, even then, to having actually been the one that committed the crime.

I don't remember for certain, but I don't think I ever told my brother that I had done it. I might have. But I don't remember - we were all pretty young. I think I was still in early grade school. That said, I was definitely old enough to know what lying was and what right and wrong were.

But I have always remembered that time. I always remembered my brother having "admitted" to something he didn't actually do. He knew he risked serious punishment (when our punishments got especially bad, they involved being spanked on bare bottoms many dozen times with hot wheels tracks, something that I almost look back on as torture).

In childhood, my brother was always the purest hearted of all of us. I don't mean to say he later became evil - just that he became less selfless as he got older, something that happens to all of us in life.

I guess the main thing I am trying to explain in writing this all out is that we lose something when we grow up. Some of it is tangible, and some of it isn't.

The Mormon faith teaches us that we come into this world from the Spirit world, where we lived with Heavenly Father. I have been told that when we are born into this world that we don't remember making the decision to come here or what it was like in the Spirit world.

But lately, I've been thinking more about how close I think we actually are to the Spirit world and to Heavenly Father when we first arrive in this world. We ALL know of what we call "childhood innocence". Maybe we need to think a bit harder about "life's lessons" and whether our change of heart is really the right path for us to take.

If "life's lessons" all teach us to harden our hearts, to make them more impervious, more able to deal with strife and wrongdoing... what happens to our soft hearts? The hearts that can give and receive love, the hearts that are sensitive, caring and empathetic?

I for one am thinking about what was said in Mosiah 3:19. About being "submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, submitting to what the Lord inflicts".

Let us not harden our hearts fully. And let us try to spend more time softening our hearts. Let us remember what it was like to be a child.

And most of all, pray for those whose lives force them to harden their hearts just to survive. For how shall they let the Spirit in?

And no, I don't mean pray in the sense of "gosh, yeah, that would be bad for those people".

I mean PRAY. That is what I will do tonight. I will pray on bended knee for those in this world that have such strife in their lives that they know nothing of a soft heart.

And I will pray to thank the Lord for having been so kind as to let me see what gifts I have been given in this life. For it is with my soft heart that I let the Lord in.

Vaction in Utah

I wrote back in my very first post on this blog about an individual I met back in Junior High (his name is Scott). Well I finally had the chance to go visit him this past weekend, and it was truly awesome!

I not only got to see him, but I also met his wife, and his five beautiful children. They invited me into their home to stay with them for the duration of my trip (which was just the weekend), and it was very enjoyable. We did a lot of talking and hanging out. Catching up, even went over the old Junior High yearbook, talking about people from our past. I couldn't believe how many people Scott knew from Junior High and High School!

I got to see another friend of mine and his wife (Karl and MJ) while I was there as well. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory, where I had to use some EXTREME restraint to not overeat. In the end, it worked out awesome, we also got caught up and the only thing I regret is not getting to see their kiddo - Max. He had RSV, so he was too sick to be with them (poor guy!). I understand he is doing better now, which is really good news.

Scott was kind enough to take me to the Draper Temple before the dedication ceremony. I believe we were there on the very last possible day to see it as just visitors without a "Recommend" (I'm still learning terminology). The Temple was absolutely BEAUTIFUL! The murals and artwork and architecture were absolutely amazing. I really enjoyed my time there. I think my favorites were the Celestial and Sealing rooms as well as the Baptismal Font. I learned a lot and I am really glad to know that Gilbert will have a Temple eventually as well.

I also visited Temple Square in downtown Salt Lake City. I met a couple of extremely nice sisters that showed me around on a guided tour. There was so much to see! I took in all I could in the time I had. I never realized how many historic structures there were there aside from just the Temple itself!

I got to see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing on Sunday morning, which was awesome! I might have even ended up in a music video that they shot immediately after the normal session. Getting to hear them do another song (twice!) after the normal session was really nice.

I went to Church with Scott and his family - his ward was really welcoming and friendly. Everyone that spoke delivered an excellent message, and I heard a great many things I truly needed to hear. I missed my own ward certainly, but I was glad to have the benefit of Church, and Scott's ward made it very nice. Hearing Scott speak to the 17 and 18 year olds was neat as well. Scott has such a talent for knowing and remembering all the myriad details in people's lives - he touched base with everyone there, asking them how things were going, taking real personal interest in each of them. His lesson was excellent and was equally relevant to myself as I am sure it was to the young men in the class.

And my visit ended with a trip to Scott's in-law's home where we visited and had a really nice dinner. My thanks to everyone that was there, they were all extremely nice and the food was amazing! I only tried two of the jams while I was there and if I hadn't been completely stuffed I would have tried the rest, perhaps several times over! :)

She Cried

I was walking out of Lifetime Fitness the other day and the black gentleman in front of me was probably a good ten paces in front, but noticed I was coming out of the gym with two young children. He came back and held the door open as I came out.

"Thanks" I said. "No problem - I have two kids of my own, I know what it's like." was his reply.

We made small talk for a while walking toward our cars, which ended up being fairly close together. As I put my kids in the car, I noticed he seemed to not be getting into his vehicle. After I was done getting my kids all buckled in, he walks toward me, somewhat timidly...

"Do you know how to get to Chandler from here?" He asks. We talk for two or three minutes, I give him some advice on how to get there.

As I drive away I feel good. I don't even know the guy, but I had a good conversation with him and helped him find his way.

Wednesday. I eat lunch with some friends from work. After lunch, they drive away in their vehicle (I was running errands), and a foreign lady walks up toward my car, looking lost. I am already inside, my windows rolled up. She definitely looks like she was hoping to talk to me. I roll my window down.

"Hello. Can you help me?" She asks, in broken English.

"I need to find my way to 123 such and such street" she says (I don't remember what street it was, I had NEVER heard of it).

I was all ready to tell her no, I had no idea where that was when I realized I had a gps in my car and I could get text directions for her. So I put the address into the gps, had it tell me how to get there and told her - it was pretty simple as it turns out, she was less than a mile and a half from her destination.

She thanked me sincerely for my help.

Last Sunday, a friend of mine told me about her friend. Her friend had cancer. She didn't say it, but it hung in the air unsaid "...and she may not have long to live."

My friend knew I used to do photography on the side. She asked if I could take some photos of her friend. I felt a bit of a sharp pain in my heart.

You see, I have thought for probably four years now that I should really join an organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep". They have photographers to take photos of young infants (often only a few days old) that are terminally ill. It is something I have intended and wanted to do for a long time, but I thought I would be too emotional to be able to take photos of these little babies. I thought I would end up doing more harm than good.

But I couldn't turn my friend down. So I told her I would take photos of her friend. We set a date to meet on Thursday.

The next day I thought about it more. We are all Spirit children from God - we are all brothers and sisters. Seeing a young infant that is terminally ill is never going to be easy on me, but I think it will help knowing that they will go back to be with God. I filled out an application to take photos of the dying infants. I haven't heard back yet.

I had a long day at work today with a lot of meetings back to back. The only way I could even go to the restroom was by being late to one of my meetings. I got home, knowing that tomorrow I fly out of state, and I need to pack tonight. I pick my kids up tomorrow morning and I need to start working very early so that I can get to my plane on time.

My mind wasn't on taking photos of someone with cancer.

I got the phone call from my friend - after talking and pleading with her friend all day, she finally convinced her to go to the park for some photos. I was to meet them in thirty minutes. I got my gear all packed up.

I was about to head out the door. I went back inside and knelt down. I said a prayer for the lady with cancer whom I had never met. I prayed that she would find her way to God. I prayed that she would know his love before she left this world, and I prayed that she wouldn't leave this world until it was truly her time.

I said a prayer for myself. I prayed that I would be able to take photos that would be pleasing to her. I knew she was VERY apprehensive about having her picture taken, for a variety of reasons.

And I went to the park. I had a wonderful time taking photos with them both. The wind was cool and light and awesome. I think I was actually able to get some photos of her being herself. My friend got her to relax and forget that I was there. Together we were able to set the stage for picture taking. I was very thankful that I didn't make her nervous or apprehensive.

I got home and I processed the photos and sent them to my friend, who loved them. She sent them to her friend. Then I got an email back about them.

The subject was: "She Cried". In the body of the email, it said "She said you made her look so beautiful! She can’t believe she is saying this, but she wants pictures to give to others and share."

I felt so good, my heart just filled with joy. To have given this lady I didn't even know something nice while she struggled with such adversity was a truly wonderful gift.

Seeing these two friends together in the park, taking photos of them, it was a really moving experience.

I think sometimes we forget that our interactions with others can have such a dramatic effect on them AND on ourselves. Someone told me recently that we should be "kinder than we have to be". When I heard that, I thought of my friend from Junior High that I had met twenty four years ago, who, through his acts of kindness helped me to find the Righteous path.

I have begun to see how rich and full a life he must have lead these many years. It is extremely rewarding to help others. I sometimes think about how many people's lives I would have touched in positive ways in the last twenty four years if only I had found my way sooner. I can't change the past, but I can certainly look forward.

She cried. And I think they were tears of joy, and happiness. Someone with cancer was filled with joy and happiness. Man that feels good.

My First semi-successful attempt at Family Home Evening

I have a two year old girl and a four year old boy. I have heard that under the age of something like six that you measure attentions spans as their age in minutes...

Up until now, I had tried reading them scripture without pictures. I had mistakenly thought that maybe my voice or inflection or excitement might bridge the attention span gap; nope. :)

So I went to Deseret books on Monday and picked up "Read and Learn Bible", "My First Book of Mormon", and "More of My First Book of Mormon". The kids loved it! :) I was able to read a considerable amount from each book for a total of about 20 minutes reading time. I was pretty happy with that. Their favorite - the Noah flood story, largely because of the animals.

Then we had family prayer time where we all prayed together. My children are still young, they were thanking Jesus for cars and trains (my son) and purple cars (my daughter), but it was certainly a start. :) At least they are now thanking him for things instead of asking for things as if Jesus were Santa Claus (that is how it used to be).

They both enjoyed it very much and look forward to the next time. :)

Mosiah Chapter Four

I have been reading from Mosiah today. I have made it to Chapter 12, but my mind keeps going back to Chapter 4. I feel powerfully that Chapter 4 is a very plain and simple message to us from King Benjamin of PRECISELY what we are to do.

The chapter is a mere 30 verses long and yet to me the message is so clear, so plain, so very compelling and True that I feel this chapter deserves my attention on a regular basis. I think I need to read this chapter at least once a month, as a reminder of what it is that we are to do on this earth.

King Benjamin was a Righteous man. He lived his life justly, treated his people well, he toiled beside them, he did not overtax them. In his final days, he was visited by an angel from God (Mosiah Chapter 3). He is told by the angel that Jesus is coming, and what will happen to Jesus. He is told about the atonement. He is told how, through the atonement, we can follow specific steps to reach salvation.

Mosiah Chapter 4, 6-8

"6. I say unto you, if ye have come to a knowledge of the goodness of God, and his matchless power, and his wisdom, and his patience, and his long-suffering towards the children of men; and also, the atonement which has been prepared from the foundation of the world, that thereby salvation might come to him that should put his trust in the Lord, and should be diligent in keeping his commandments, and continue in the faith even unto the end of his life, I mean the life of the mortal body--"

Here we have in but a single verse the explanation of what we must do to receive salvation!

1. Come to a knowledge of: the goodness of God,
2. of God's matchless power,
3. of God's wisdom,
4. of God's patience,
5. of God's long-suffering towards the children of men;
6. Knowledge of the atonement,
7. that he who puts his trust in the Lord shall come to salvation,
8. that we must keep his commandments diligently,
9. and finally, that we must continue in the faith until death

"7. I say, that this is the man who receiveth salvation, through the atonement which was prepared from the foundation of the world for all mankind, which ever were since the fall of Adam, or who are, or who ever shall be, even unto the end of the world."

Here, we learn that the man who does what is prescribed in the previous verse is the man who receives salvation. That he does so through the atonement. That ALL of us received this opportunity for salvation - everyone since the time of Adam.

"8. And this is the means whereby salvation cometh. And there is none other salvation save this which hath been spoken of; neither are there any conditions whereby man can be saved except the conditions which I have told you."

And HERE we learn that this description of how to receive salvation is the only means there is. There are no other conditions whereby man can be saved.

He gives us a wealth more information about what we must do in this chapter. Another section really stood out to me as he talked about a beggar asking for help:

"17. Perhaps thou shalt say: The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just--"
"18. But I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdom of God."

We see very clearly here just how important it is to help our fellow man. How easy it is for us to see someone in need and think our day is too busy or our burden too heavy. I intend to strive to remember this as I go about each day. Truly we know that none of us can help all in the world, but I think also that we all know we can do more than we already do.

And finally, the last verse of Chapter 4, it really drives home just how important it is to remember this (and it drives home just how important it is for me to re-read this chapter periodically).

"30. But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not."

"And now, O man, remember, and perish not."

I shall strive to remember.

The Lord can stop time itself

We all know that the Lord God can do amazing things and those of us that have Faith believe He can truly do anything.

In the last few weeks, I have had several occasions to put my Faith in God that somehow I would have enough time to do the things I set out to do. In these cases, I knew what I was doing was according to His will and His plan, and I just had Faith that there would be enough time to make it happen.

Some examples:

Buying Sunday clothes for my children on a busy Saturday where I already felt like I had no time (this was for the first time my children would have ever gone to Church with me)

Going to a friends' house for a relaxing, leisurely dinner, talking with them, letting my children play while there, and STILL getting back to my home in time for my ex to pick them up (total time spent between leaving my home and returning to my home - one hour. Yes, you read that right!)

Time for following the promptings throughout my day. I can tell you that when I first began to follow my promptings, the most common excuse I heard myself giving for why I couldn't do them was "You don't have the time!" - God made time for me!

Scripture reading. Again, my most common excuse for thinking I can't read scripture is that I think I do not have enough time. I find that the Lord stops time because I will have read a few chapters or an entire book of the Book of Mormon and scarcely a few minutes will have passed...

Time to email or blog or meet with people. Again with the "I don't have the time!" excuse that I keep hearing in my head. The good news is that I have had enough examples of the Lord fitting SO much more into my day than I ever would have been able to without His help that frankly, that excuse is really pretty lame now and I know it. :)

So I am just jumping in and doing what the Holy Ghost reminds me of, safe in the knowledge that God will make time or a way for the rest of my day to happen. This is just one of the many miracles the Lord has given me.

Have your cake but don't eat it

So I had a get together at my home after my Baptism yesterday. There were LOTS of extremely nice people that came over, and so many of them brought all manner of goodies to my home, which were shared with all.

After everyone left, I noticed there was about 1/4 of a very rich looking chocolate fudge cake left behind. It looked particularly appetizing.

I have been thinking increasingly about how our body is Gods' Temple and that we are commanded to take care of it. So frequently I had just thought about how what I was eating was truly bad for me but eating it anyway.

So I looked at it and I thought to myself... I'll put this in the fridge today. I don't have the strength of will to throw it out but I actually DO have the strength to put it in the fridge and not eat it right now. Maybe tomorrow after I am confirmed and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, maybe then I'll be strong enough.

So today I was confirmed. It was a very moving experience. I didn't realize just how moving an experience it was until I shook everyone's hand, until the Bishop asked the membership who could "sustain" the confirmation (I think that is the word he used). Seeing all those people with their hands up was very powerful...

Later I thanked my friend Mike who actually confirmed me in the hall outside of where we had Sacrament. I was so moved in thanking him that I wept.

Later in my day at Church, I spoke before the Relief Society. I read the first post on this blog out loud to them. I was so overcome with emotion that I could scarcely speak at some points, and I wept openly while reading. I know I learned even more about how I feel by reading those words out loud. I think some of those present felt what I felt while I was reading it. If there was even one person that was faltering a little or doubting what an impact being a good person could have on others then I very sincerely hope they understood what an AMAZING impact God has on people.

And later, I was at home. I had fed the kids a snack. The cake was in the fridge. And the kids were playing. I "snuck" into the kitchen. As I walked toward the kitchen, the devil did his work. "Just a bite" "Ok, a slice, on a plate..." "I'll just grab the fork and the cake and see how much I eat." "Ok, I'm grabbing the fork and..."

And there was my daughter. Daddy, come play with us!

I go and I play with my two children. Fork on the counter. We play for a while and I hear the cake calling to me. At a time when my children are occupied with themselves I sneak off. This time I am grabbing a glass to fill with milk, a fork, and I'm just going to eat that cake in a single sitting - my mind is MADE UP!

Fork in hand, glass filled with milk, putting the milk back in the fridge, there is my beautiful daughter. "Daddy, be the tickle monster!"

Milk gets left on the counter, fork next to it. I go playing with my kids, I chase them about the house, we run all over the place, the kids and I cackling with glee.

I go back "just to grab the milk"... "no cake, no, no cake, just the milk". I have the milk in my hand and the fork. I turn to the fridge. My son and my daughter arrive. "Daddy - you be the tickle monster AGAIN!" I think to myself... this must be a sign. This has been THREE times. I put the fork away, grab my milk and go with the kids to tickle them and play.

It is probably fifteen to twenty minutes later and they are pretty tired (ok, I was tired too!), we had been giggling non stop for quite some time. My glass of milk is empty. I take it to the kitchen to put it into the dishwasher. Well, I'll do that, but I'll also grab some of that awesome looking CAKE! I got the fork out. Abbie was there - "Daddy! Come PLAY WITH US!"

I put the fork away. I put the glass into the dishwasher. I went and played with my children.

I know I am overweight. I've known that for years. A radio talk show host once made me EXTREMELY angry when he said "If fat people would just not eat so much, they'd lose weight!". I remember thinking "And if you didn't spend so much money you'd have more money!" Sometimes the solution to our problems truly IS simple. We just have to listen to what we are hearing inside ourselves. I was really hoping to eat less and eat smarter and exercise more once I had the gift of the Holy Ghost. I had hoped it would speak more strongly to me after I was confirmed.

Maybe the Holy Ghost doesn't work precisely how I thought. I know I got a very strong message each time my children asked me to play. I know I was jolted back to reality after having gotten so close to my temptation.

But I left that cake in the fridge. I went to a friends' house for a very nice dinner with my kids before my ex picked them up from my house.

Once I got home, I sat down to write about the cake experience in my blog. I was resolved to throw the cake out after I had written my post. But I don't believe in writing about something I've done if I haven't actually DONE it. What if I wrote out that I had thrown it away with the best of intentions and then walked into the kitchen to do so, but was overcome and ate some or all of it. I would have lied.

So I say this to anyone that wonders what the power of BLOGGING something like this is - after I sat down here to write about the cake, I had the strength of will to go into my kitchen and put that cake down the garbage disposal before coming back to write about it.

So I had my cake... for two days... and I didn't eat it. :)

I think I can almost taste it though!

Mosiah and his message to me

In reading scripture today, there was a message for me. I write it here so that I can remember it later.

Mosiah 2:36-41

"36. And now, I say unto you, my brethren, that after ye have known and have been taught all these things, if ye should transgress and go contrary to that which has been spoken, that ye do withdraw yourselves from the Spirit of the Lord, that it may have no place in you to guide you in wisdom's paths that ye may be blessed, prospered, and preserved--"

I see this as the beginning of the message to me. I have truly seen and been taught the message. I am about to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost later today. If I should transgress and go contrary to that which I have learned, I would withdraw from the gift of the Holy Ghost. Therefore, I must be mindful of that.

"37. I say unto you, that the man that doeth this, the same cometh out in open rebellion against God; therefore he listeth to obey the evil spirit, and becometh an enemy to all righteousness; therefore, the Lord has no place in him, for he dwelleth not in unholy temples."

It is the same to turn my back on that which I know is true as to call out to the world in open rebellion against God. I know of the evil spirit - unfortunately, it has a voice in my head whether I like it to or not. If I obey that evil spirit, the Lord has no place in me.

"38. Therefore if that man repenteth not, and remaineth and dieth an enemy to God, the demands of divine justice do awaken his immortal soul to a lively sense of his own guilt, which doth cause him to shrink from the presence of the Lord, and doth fill his breast with guilt, and pain, and anguish, which is like an unquenchable fire, whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever."

This is important as well. We should all know about the atonement. I do. I have read it. But for me, it is still a little difficult. I find myself sometimes thinking of the atonement as a way to just shirk the responsibility of walking the Righteous Path. It seems almost as though you could just do what you please and then "repent" and have it all washed away. I struggled with that.

But this verse teaches me more of the big picture - of the fullness of this plan. God knows if we repent sincerely. If our purpose is to commit sin with the intent of later "repenting" to make it "ok", then that isn't true repentence - it is premeditated sin. While I believe it IS possible to later TRULY repent for having taken that action - it can only happen out of true and sincere repentence, which of course involves being sorry for our action, trying to make amends, and taking what steps we can to truly prevent it from happening again.

But it is that much more clear what happens if you fail to do this - if you continue to walk the way of the devil without sincerely repenting, you will have a "lively sense of guilt". When I read of the end in the Book of Mormon, when I read of the last days, where every man and woman knows the actions of every other man and woman, that NOTHING is hidden anymore, I was struck by just how that would feel. That every transgression was known by every soul in existence. How much guilt would we surely feel then? And if we had failed to repent, how heavy the burden to look at making amends then?

We know we have a place after this life to sort things out, but it truly strikes me how important it is to get things right now, and not just for ourselves. How much work will there be to try to help all those souls that fell prey to the devil in this life? How many people will be filled in their breasts with "guilt, and pain, and anguish, which is like an unquenchable fire, whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever."? How many friends and family members will we have to help?

"39. And now I say unto you, that mercy hath no claim on that man; therefore his final doom is to endure a never-ending torment."

I think this is pretty clear. I about it, and I shall change my actions where they need be changed.

"40. O, all ye old men, and also ye young men, and you little children who can understand my words, for I have spoken plainly unto you that ye might understand, I pray that ye should awake to a remembrance of the awful situation of those that have fallen into transgression."

I have seen and understood this message. I strive to remember the situation if I were to fall into transgression.

"41. And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of neverending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I have read things such as this set of verses many times in my life. Deep in my heart I have known the truth of living a better life; indeed I have been blessed somehow to ALWAYS have known with some small vision of just how our good actions are rewarded. I have always been blessed with some way of understanding the impact of human nature on other people, and this has granted me the ability to see the myriad impacts of both a good act as well as a bad act.

I sit here just a few hours from my confirmation. This passage has spoken to me powerfully. I think I truly understand the covenant of my Baptism - my promises to the Lord, the result of transgression, and the blessings I will receive for following them.

I am extremely thankful and humbled.

My Baptism

I literally couldn't believe there were so many people there...

Between my Mormon friends that I have made over the years and the new friends I have made within my ward (and unbelievably to me, some people that actually came from other wards that didn't even know me), there were a LOT of people there.

I felt very at peace today, for pretty much the entire day. Having my good friend Danny perform the Baptism was a really good feeling.

Everyone was EXTREMELY nice and I thank them all for having shared today with me, be it the Baptism itself or time at my home afterward.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow when I receive the gift of the Holy Ghost from my confirmation. As I have said before, I have felt extremely close to the Holy Ghost in the last month, but I have learned that my time with the Holy Ghost right now is more like brief moments in time rather than the embrace I will receive tomorrow.

I write this realizing that if I live my life correctly, tonight and tomorrow morning will be the last hours of a life without the Holy Ghost's constant presence. After my confirmation, I will have the Holy Ghost with me always, provided that I continue walking toward the Righteous Path.

So then, I write what those brief moments with the Holy Ghost have been like for me, since I may forget later what it was like to have the Holy Ghost only for brief moments in time.

For me, when the Holy Ghost is truly with me, I can feel it. I get chills, my heart swells up; often I am brought almost instantly to the brink of tears. Sometimes it would be tears of joy, sometimes sadness. I think for a while I thought those were the only two simply because there were tears coming to me.

But the most amazing emotion that sweeps over me so strongly when the Holy Ghost suddenly comes to me is AWE. This is something that I hope I never lose.

When I hear a story about a little child that had no real chance but their parents pray and pray and pray and have Faith and do everything they can... When I heard that against all odds the child made it. That the actual events that transpired to allow the child to live were just crazy odds, but they happened and that is how the child lived. When I hear that testimony and I absolutely SEE that the person giving the testimony is awestruck and thankful and joyous and beside themselves with the miracle they have received, I get that sense of awe right in my chest. I don't even know how else to describe it than awe...

It is beyond joy, it isn't sadness. It isn't even directly Faith I don't think. It is like acceptance that it was indeed a miracle, that the person testifying truly experienced it, that they received it because of their Faith, that God reached out to help them... all of that rolled up together. How else can I describe it than AWE at the incredulity of it all?

So I go to sleep tonight knowing that this is the last night spent with mere glimpses of, mere brief moments of my time with the Holy Ghost. From now on I will have the Holy Ghost with me always - helping me, guiding me, showing me the way.

The way down that Righteous path, the Iron Rod, the way to the Tree, the one with the white fruit. The fruit from the Tree that is precious above all.

An actual, honest to God, true miracle in my own life

One of the hardest things in dealing with my ex when we were married was that she simply refused to compromise. On ANYTHING. She wouldn't reverse her decisions once her mind was made up.

So last night when I had my conversation with her about my going to a Mormon Church, things got bad kindof quickly. As I alluded to before, I had pretty much expected her to do everything in her power to keep our children from going to a Mormon Church.

I think she noticed the changes in me though. And I think last night she must have thought about that.

This evening, she called me on the phone and basically said that she had thought about what we talked about last night. That there were far worse things that could happen to our children than them experiencing the Mormon Church. She actually told me she was ok with them going to Church with me!

I have always heard that the Lord works in mysterious ways, and to me, this is one of the most mysterious ever.

But I'll take a miracle when I get a chance, that's for sure! :)

To Deny thy Lord thy God

If I had to describe my life up to the time before the missionaries came to my home, I would have to say it was primarily that I lived to avoid conflict.

There is a lot that happens (and that you choose to do) if you live your life that way.

Let's say I had a ton of copied movies in my home and someone was over to my house that did the same thing. I might show them all my copied movies and ask them which one they wanted to watch. I might even offer to let them have a copy of a movie or three. Maybe I would ask them for a copy of their copied movies...

Let's say I still had a ton of copied movies in my home but then a friend was over to my house that DIDN'T copy movies. Let's even say that they really disliked the act of copying movies! If I was trying to avoid conflict, I wouldn't bring up the subject at all. I certainly wouldn't preach that it is ok to copy movies. If they asked to watch a movie, I'd see what was on TV or offer one of the movies I DID buy.

That all seems pretty simple in a way. But what if things got more complex?

What if the second person ASKED me a point blank question about whether I had copied movies? What is the first person AND the second person were at my house at the same time? Would I have to asked the first person to not let on that I had copied movies? If the first person mentioned something about copied movies, would I deny that I had them rather than end up with a confrontation with the second person?

Life isn't always simple. As I began to read scripture, the message truly seemed very simple to me. I'm not saying I understood every word or phrase or the symbolism behind everything I read, but the BASIC concept of knowing what is right and wrong and DOING what is right seemed very simple.

Then I had an opportunity to see the Joseph Smith film at the Temple (with the missionaries) some time back. It was during that movie that it REALLY began to sink in that there are real world consequences when certain people learn that you have Faith in God or that you are a member of the Mormon Church. I wrote before about how Peter denied Jesus.

I myself have begun to have "temptations" or "trials" in which I might have denied my Savior Jesus Christ, or my Church.

The first was my Mother. I knew she didn't like the Mormon (LDS) Church, but I didn't actually realize quite how strong her opinion was until I shared with her that I was going to Church again, but this time it was a Mormon Church. She talked to me about how the Church was a cult, how some people were killed for trying to leave the Church, about how a Bishop had told the wife of an apparent child molester to not say anything and to stay married to him. She told me of how a friend of hers tried to leave the Church but actually had to hire a lawyer to have his name removed from the Church "rolls" (her word).

The second was my ex wife. She actually noticed the major changes I have made in terms of my interaction with her. I forgave her for everything she had done to me, and I apologized for what I had done to her over the course of our marriage. She is applying for increased child support and rather than fighting it, I am trying my very best to do what is right. Then she asked me... What Church have I been going to?

Before I talked to my Mother about my going back to Church, about my joining the Mormon Church, I had considered just hiding it from her. That would be avoiding conflict. That was the easy path. But I am going to be Baptized tomorrow, and I felt it was pretty important to at least TRY to talk to my Mom about the changes in my life. I felt that if I had specifically gone out of my way to NOT let her know about joining the Mormon Church that I would have been denying my Faith. So I told her, even though that CREATED conflict. It was the right thing to do.

Before I answered my ex wife's question of "What church have you been going to?", I briefly considered avoiding answering her or even lying. You see, her hatred of the Church and her belief that it is a cult is so strong, that I feel certain she will actively seek to PREVENT my children from even going to Church... But again, denying the Truth is the same as denying my belief in Jesus Christ.

I feel bad that in each of these two situations I had a brief period where I considered denying my situation. But I am VERY thankful that I had sufficient Faith to go forward and tell the Truth!

ABCDs of Sin

I need to talk to the Missionaries again to get the literal letter/word meaning here.

The basic gist of it is this:

1. Acknowledge that you have done something wrong
2. Be sorry that you did whatever it was (truly!)
3. Find a way as best you can to make amends for what you have done wrong
4. Take steps to not do that action again (don't make the same sin twice!)

I've been working through a great many of my sins from before I found the Righteous path. I've also been working on the sins that had become habit. I think I've dealt with all but perhaps two of those.

I still find myself "embellishing" the truth from time to time. What that comes down to is plain and simple lying. However much I might like to candy coat it, the Truth is the Truth is the Truth. I know what the Truth is, and I need to honour it! This is a hard one for me - I have found that when I tell stories of things this is one of my most frequent times where I do this. I'll just throw in a little detail here or there to make the story sound better or more interesting. I think it started along the same lines as telling a joke - people tend to add things to jokes over time to make them sound funnier. I would do the same thing with simple stories - things I had seen people do that were funny, things I had done that made for a funny story. I always thought of them as "embellishments". Nothing harmful I thought. I'm all over this now. It is hard - it had become a real habit with me. But I am taming it, and it feels GOOD. I keep reminding myself I need to set an extremely high example for my children. It is ALWAYS better to teach them by example than merely by words!

And my children... Sometimes I think I set my bar too high. It is SOOOO easy to look around in society and see how "most" people treat their children. It is so difficult to teach them and take the time to do it "right" sometimes. What guides me most here is my memories from when I was a child. I remember what it was like to be yelled at. I remember what it was like to be spanked. I have learned from a great many sources just how "quickly" you can bring a kid into line by yelling or by spanking them. TALKING to them takes longer. But I know in my heart that this is the right way to teach my children, however trying it can be sometimes. I am INCREDIBLY blessed that my two year old daughter is smart enough that I can actually explain WHY I need her to do something, and she will not only understand, but she will comply. This is hardest for me when I am stressed or in a hurry. I wrote some time back about when I had to go buy a toilet plunger late at night when my kids should really have been in bed. I was feeling stressed and I was feeling the pinch of time. When the first store didn't have what I needed, I felt it even more. As I was buckling my kids into the car to go to the second store, my two year old daughter could TELL something was wrong, and she asked me about it. I was short with her, I told her I just needed to get her buckled in and that "Daddy just needed to get to another store". I really need to find the peace of mind to not be short with my kids - when they ask questions and want to know what is going on, when they want to know why Daddy is acting how he is, I need to TAKE that time, I need to talk to them. I have so little time with them these days compared to how it used to be - I need to make the most of it!

And I needed to talk to my ex wife. I had grudges against her. I had things that she had done to me that were really bad injustices. There were things she had done and said to our children that I don't know if I will ever be able to reconcile for myself. I had really been thinking of her as a horribly evil person through and through. I had lost sight of several Truths. She was and is a child of God just as I am. Since our divorce, I have seen her make some real efforts to change things, to change the course of her life. I have also had the clarity to see that she has good in her, that even while she had done things that I personally couldn't believe, that she had other good things she had done for the good of the family. And I saw that in my hatred of the way she had treated myself and the children that I had fueled a vision of her that wasn't accurate. I had let myself build her wrongdoings into something more than it truly was. I had let myself treat her worse because I thought it was "ok" given what she had done to me. I had let myself stop treating her as a human being - as a fellow child of God, but rather as a person I hated, as a person that I no longer sought out good things for. I had at times actually taken heart in bad things happening to her rather than realizing she was just a Spirit child trying to find her way in this world. I gave her a TRULY heartfelt apology. I let her know that I knew I had done things that I wished I had not. I let her know that it was my intent not to do that ever again. And I also let her know that even if I had had that revelation while we were still married that we just weren't meant for each other, that we weren't meant to be married. She agreed. Apologizing to her, thinking about doing that, bringing myself to actually do it, that was HARD. It had been so easy to think to myself "she did so many things to ME, so whatever I did to her was ok! It was NOTHING compared to...". But that wasn't Truth.

Some days back, I woke up in the middle of the night remembering some scripture:

"Whatsoever you do to the least of my brethren, THAT, you do unto me!" (my emphasis)

I am really striving to understand and act on that. I am trying to live my life by that.

I felt very emotional after I had apologized to my ex wife. She apologized to me as well. I also told her that I forgave her for everything.

In the end, I TRULY felt better for having done this. It healed some things inside me that I don't even know that I could put into words. I just know I am a far better person for having done this.

Faith Untested?

I've been busy, but this morning I am taking some time to get caught up with some posts I've been meaning to make.

As it turns out, my dinner the other night ended up NOT being a test of my Faith, as I had expected. It was just a nice dinner and time spent with my parents. My Mother cooked an awesome meal, we got caught up (they had been out of town a lot over the last month), and I think we all had a really good time. :)

So I think this one got shelved for another day.

The Test of Faith

This evening I shall be tested. I know this already. I will be dining with two people that know of my recent joining of the Church and they feel that the Church is a cult.

I intend to listen to them with an open mind, to talk to the Spirit, and to answer them with what my heart truly tells me.

This day has been coming for some time now, I think it is best that it happen now.

More later.

Faith

This past week has been very busy for me - things going every single day. I have been experiencing a lot more joy in my life, meeting new people, making new friends, and getting closer to God. My Baptism is now less than a week off, and lately my thoughts have been focused squarely on Faith.

Recent Sacrament and other Church talks have been about Faith, and I am glad of that. Some of those discussions served to tell me more of the Church's view on Faith, and some of them served to show me how other individual people felt about Faith. One individual that gave a talk last Sunday seemed to have had some very trying times in her life, and I have to say she was dealing with her current situation far better than I think I could, she was amazing.

When I was very young (in early grade school no less), I had a Sunday School teacher tell me something I haven't forgotten to this day (bear in mind, this was a Catholic teacher). She explained to us that we could live our lives however we wanted, do whatever we wanted, right or wrong, but if, in the end, at the VERY LAST MOMENT, we put our Faith in God, we would be saved. The various children in the classroom asked questions like "So if I was about to die in a car crash and I had Faith in God right before I was killed, I would be ok?" and the teacher answered "yes". I think she even quantified it something along the lines of saying out loud that you believe in Jesus Christ, and meaning it.

That discussion revolved around the whole idea of going to Heaven or Hell. At that point in my Catholic education, they hadn't really talked to us much about Purgatory yet. But I walked away with some very unhealthy thoughts. I figured none of the education or actions in my life mattered, so long as I expressed my Faith in God at the last moment, and I kindof focused on trying to "remember to have Faith" right at the end. For a short time, I was worried about whether I forgot, because (according to her lesson) I would end up going to Hell. But as time passed, I didn't even care about that so much. I mean, who ELSE in this world even cares about such things, other than those crazy religious zealots of the world?!?!?

Well, I'm concerned about the subject again these days. I don't know if that makes me a religious zealot or not, but I don't really care, I intend to continue thinking about this subject, and changing my actions and activities according to my beliefs.

So then, Faith. What is Faith, really? From where I sit, I think Faith is a many faceted thing, maybe even a path of varying levels of Faith. But to me, the ultimate end state of Faith is absolute, unwavering belief in where we came from, where we are, and where we are going.

Being truthful, I am confused about my current state of Faith.

First, I believe very much that it matters in this life what we do with ourselves, how we act, what we do, how we treat others. Along those lines, last night I remembered a scripture word for word from my youth - "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that, you do unto me" (Matthew 25:31-46). This was Jesus talking about how the way we treat others represents how we are treating him.

Second, I believe that our actions in this life affect what happens to us afterward. It makes sense to me that if you are a bad person or you treat people badly that you will end up reaping the rewards or punishments of those actions. There are times in my past where I have felt that death in this life only leads us to becoming dust - that there is nothing after.

I think that is the crux of my difficulty with Faith.

I have taken a great many courses on science and read even more. My brain seems wired more toward logic than to Faith. I try to figure things out for myself and have them make sense to me in ways I can understand TANGIBLY. And that is the whole thing about Faith - with Faith you can believe in things you haven't seen. You can believe in things you don't yet understand.

Albert Einstein said "I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice." - to me, even this person able to actually predict the mechanics of the Universe had a belief that there was a higher being. Albert Einstein was VERY critical of religion, and many countless quotes from him essentially belittle the concept of praying to a "supernatural being".

Einstein said "The desire for guidance, love, and support prompts men to form the social or moral conception of God.". For me, this is one of the problems I have had with religion over the years. It is easy for an atheist to understand the fear of what happens at death, for an atheist has no belief in anything other than the finality of death. Therefore, to picture belief in God forming out of a desire for guidance, love, and support makes sense to an atheist.

I have recently found myself in the odd position of having Faith in the right of how we should act in our lives, of the Truth of there being a life after this one, but a difficulty in believing in the life before this one.

Thinking it through though, this is what I have come to understand, and to believe:

1. We were spiritual beings in the life before this one, we had no bodies.
2. God offered us a chance at having a body, but he explained that if we were to accept the gift of a body, that we would forget much (all?) of what we knew.
3. We were born and live today, with bodies. We learn HOW to live with a body.
4. There are (as it says in the Bible) many temptations of the flesh. It is those very temptations that cause us to stray from the iron rod, from the straight and narrow path to salvation.
5. If, in the end, after "enduring to the end", we reach either the end of our life or the last day, and we have lived Righteously, then we will be saved.

So, with this in mind, I remember something else that I learned in my youth - something "taught" to me, but which I inexplicably VERY STRONGLY disagreed with.

Freud said that babies were born a "Tabula Rasa", or "Blank Slate" - that only the experiences of their environment shapes and forms who they become - that the experiences in their environment ultimately determine what decisions they make.

I absolutely have always believed this to be false. I have, from a very young age, always felt that we have a core being inside us, something that is who we "really" are. We have a moral compass inside us, something that knows right from wrong. We certainly IGNORE that compass from time to time, but it is there, and I believe that very strongly.

With my own two children I have seen things that boggle my intellectual (scientific?) mind - children know how to dance before ever having seen it. I -*VERY*- strongly believe this. Children know how to move to music and how to appreciate it before ever being taught. Babies can even sing (in their own words) to music before they have any form of language, or learned understanding of what singing even IS.

And then there is the absolutely UNIVERSAL fact that people everywhere in the entire world look as children as something different - something to protect, something deserving of more - something that is innocent and pure, and WORTH protecting.

So I find myself wondering if we enter this world a bit closer to our spiritual selves that we were before than people traditionally think about. If, over time, our environment and exposure to this world "taint" us to the point that we become less pure, less innocent, less deserving of "protecting". Bear in mind, I am not saying that "tainted" people are not worth protecting - I am just speaking to the general world view that seems to change as a baby becomes a small child and transitions into adulthood.

So this is a long way of saying that for me, at this time, I believe in God, but sadly, for me, that belief in God comes primarily from tangible things I have experienced in my own life. I picture a time when I believe in God wholly independent of any tangible experiences I have had in this life - that is the level of belief I am striving for. I think that so long as my belief is founded on the tangibility of things in this world, I run the risk of having that belief (that Faith) faltering when times get hard. This is something I need to work on, something I need to pray about, something I need to read about.

Faith is a gift. Faith is what lets us see the truth of the scripture instead of it being a collection of words. I believe that the more strong and complete your Faith is, the more complete your vision and knowledge and CERTAINTY of how you must act becomes.

So now, when I look at random people on the street, I have been reminding myself that they started their journey as a spirit walking with God just as I did. They may have had a harder life experience than I did. Their Faith may be less (or more!) than mine, but we are the same in the end - we are siblings of Jesus.