Temptation

Twenty years ago, I was quite a lonely man in terms of finding the lady of my dreams. I didn't know quite what I was looking for, but I knew I hadn't found it.

I had begun using the internet (which at the time was only addresses ending in .edu, .mil, .org and .net. As it turns out, .com didn't really hit wide use until 1991). In my use of the internet, I found, even twenty years ago, a means of talking to other people in real time (albeit text only). I met a young lady my own age that was going to school back East. She was similar to me in many respects - she was lonely, she hadn't had much experience with dating, she knew how to use the internet (this was VERY rare back then), and she seemed interested in me.

We talked a LOT. I began calling her on the phone, nearly every night. Long distance was a ton more expensive twenty years ago than it is now. We talked for hours every time we talked, and we talked about a great many things on the phone... let's just say we violated the law of chastity over the phone line...

I was going to fly out to visit her - at that point, she was in Illinois. I had talked to my friends about it, but they couldn't fathom the thought of me flying across country to see someone I hadn't ever met. Then I heard word she was dating someone - a Frenchman. I was devastated. I immediately knew she was no longer thinking of me as I had been thinking of her. The next time we talked, I pretty much cut off relations. That was probably fifteen years ago.

Then, ten years after that, after I had been married for several years, I received an email from her. She was married too, but had concerns about her marriage. She wanted to pick up where we had left off so long ago. Initially, we exchanged some emails and even talked on the phone, but we were in different places in our lives, so it was obvious things wouldn't be as they had been in the past. Before long, we stopped talking again.

Last year, a long time after I had initiated my divorce, there came a very difficult time in my life. My wife had decided to kick me out of my own home on false grounds. I was EXTREMELY fortunate that she made a mistake and told the police what had actually happened just minutes before she told a judge a completely different story. But that luck wouldn't help me for a month and a half. It took that long before I could get a day in court to show the evidence to a judge, at which point he immediately dismissed the order of protection that had kept me from going to my own home and spending the time with my children that I had before the order had been put in place.

That month and a half was an extremely difficult time in my life. I had to pay all the household bills for a home I wasn't living in (and had no idea how long it would be until I could get back into the house). I had to try to work while I also had so much time to spend talking with my lawyer, with the police, pouring over paperwork that might help me in court, filling out forms, etc. etc. I had to deal with not seeing my children at ALL for a time. It took my lawyer pressing very hard before I finally got to see my children for roughly 1/5 as much as I had been able to see them before this had been done to me. I explain all this because I was very distraught at this time and these are just some of the reasons why.

It was during my time of being kicked out of my own house that I received a phone call again from this girl from my past. Since my own marriage was not only over but actually now to a state where I hate nothing but pure, dire hatred for the woman that had done all these things to me, I felt it was time to talk to this girl from my past. I didn't think of her family. I didn't think of her husband, of her three children. I didn't think of what our discussions might do to them.

So we talked, at first, me explaining what had happened to me, then the two of us talking about what might have been. What might have happened if we had gotten married instead of going the direction our lives had gone. We discussed in great detail what kinds of things we might have experienced together (again violating the law of chastity). It turns out her husband had been out of town, and she had talked to me several times while he was out of town. Once he returned, she was (understandably!) less able to discuss those things with me. It was at this time that I first realized that what we had been doing could have a very bad effect on her family. We stopped talking.

That was October of last year.

It was almost half a year after that last conversation when I was Baptized. I have now lived for many weeks - living with the commandments, the word of wisdom, and specifically aware of the law of chastity, and adultery.

Then, just a few nights ago, I received a request from her for me to call her. I knew from past experience that most often, when she reached out to me, she was struggling with something. I felt very strong in my ability to uphold my covenants with God. Therefore, I called her up, hoping to comfort her, to help her, to do what I could for her without visiting the things we had done in the past.

I think in the back of my mind I had the knowledge that I would be tested, and I think I had some small doubts about how well I would pass the test, but I called her anyway.

At first, she and I just talked, like normal people. She was indeed struggling with her marriage, more than I could remember her having done in the past. This time though, it was my intention to try to help her. Eventually, though, she steered things back to some of the old topics we used to talk about. I interrupted her and told her I had found Jesus. I explained that I was looking for a wholesome, morally grounded wife. I told her I had joined the Mormon Church.

I was frankly stunned at some of her response - she knew enough (in Illinois mind you) about the Mormon Church to say "oh... That isn't just a choice of religion, that is a complete change of lifestyle. You won't be able to talk to me any more..." and she began to weep. I tried to comfort her, I tried to explain that as long as our discussions didn't go back to the topics we USED to discuss that I could still talk to her.

It was then that she went into a frenzy of temptation. This woman had known me for twenty years. She knew of most every fantasy I had ever had, every unfulfilled desire I had experienced in my life up to the point we had talked back last October.

She began to explain in great detail and with MUCH emotion all the things she wanted the two of us to experience together, the desires she had of me, what specifically she would fulfill for me. The temptation was unbelievably great. The more she realized that I wasn't reciprocating her feelings, the more of a frenzy she reached. And the more desire she had for me, the more temptation I felt. It was an absolutely herculean effort to tell her I had to go and to hang up the phone...

I spent that night having nightmares of her temptations. Of fear of my succumbing to them. I dreamed of an intense desire for her.

I woke up the next morning and as I took my shower I thought about what I could do. I struggled to think of how I could remove this temptation from my life but still retain my friendship with her. I had, after all, known her for twenty years. I couldn't envision cutting her off entirely.

Then it hit me. She was (for me), the same as drugs are to other people. She was something I couldn't have in my life. It was obvious the temptations were simply too great for me. I wish I had been stronger to the point that I hadn't been tempted at all, but I have to admit, I was.

So I deleted every single piece of correspondence with her that I had ever had. Twenty years of communication with her. I deleted her phone number from every location I had it in. I removed her from my friends lists.

I sent her one final communication. I asked her to love her husband and her family. I asked her to forget about me. I told her she was too much of a temptation for me. I asked her to not contact me again.

And then, in that moment, something happened. Up to that moment, I had still had the most intense desire for her temptations that I can describe. She had filled my ear with so many descriptions of things and they had been difficult to even picture being able to stop thinking about.

But in the moment after I had sent her my final communication asking her to love her family and to not contact me again, I felt a peace. All of my desire for her left me.

I knew in my heart that she and I had no chance of ever having made a good marriage. The entire foundation of our relationship was based on sinful desire. We had nothing else. What is more, she was married to a man who, in spite of so very many things she had done to him, in spite of so many character flaws that she had, he loved her. He cared for her and did things for her to show it. She didn't always see what he did, and there certainly were things she WISHED him to do that he didn't, but they are good for each other. But the bottom line is, she has a good, loving husband, and she needs to focus on him.

She needs to come to the same realization that I have - talking to me about such things is essentially adultery, even if no physical acts are done, she is thinking about and describing such acts. She needs to respect herself and her family enough to discontinue doing things like that.

So now I view temptation differently than I ever have before. I used to think of temptation as something like... wanting to buy a car you can't afford and either buying it or not. Of being offered a beer and either accepting it or not.

But now I realize that we may actually have times in our lives where someone makes a truly focused effort to tempt us. And in some cases, that temptation can come from someone that knows us well enough to be able to tempt us with complete knowledge of what would tempt us the most.

It reminds me of part of the ancient story "The Odyssey". Here is an excerpt:

"As we departed Circe's (SIR-seez) Island, she warned me of the impending danger ahead as we passed the island of the Sirens . She instructed me to plug up all of the ears of my crewmen and to have them tie me to the mast as the beauteous melodies that came from the Sirens cast a spell over those who hear it. Their tunes cause men to thrust themselves overboard into the sea and ultimately to their death.

I vowed to myself that this would not be the fate of my crew. I obeyed Circe’s advice and filled all of my seamen’s ears with wax. They then bound me to the mast tightly. I instructed them to keep me tied up, even if I begged and pleaded with them to untie me. The Sirens weren’t going to get another ship.

As we sailed by, I became desperate to lunge into the sea, but my crew obeyed my previous orders and just pulled me tighter to the mast. Then, as we sailed away, the music becoming fainter, I gave the signal to unseal their ears and untie me. We had conquered the Sirens."

I have tried to put wax into my ears, and the Spirit helps me with that. Temptation is a far more powerful thing than I previously gave credit to.

I think temptation is something we ALL need to take very very seriously.