The Spirit Guides Me

I need only listen.

I have had a revelation. I have had MANY revelations.

I have so very many thoughts and feelings and emotions. There is no way I could possibly capture them all in a single sitting.

I fear though. I fear that I will forget. Not because I want to forget, but because I have forgotten in the past.

I write here now because I want to remember. I want to guide myself if I falter in the future. I want to have a reference, a guidepost, that will help me find my way again if ever I lose my way.

When I was a young man, I had occasion to sit with people from my church in private gatherings. In those gatherings I felt the Spirit. I truly did.

To describe it, it was like a shock to my heart. It was a shiver. It was raw emotion. It was strong and nearly brought me to tears each time it happened. And I KNEW it was the Spirit. I knew this truly.

And the people I was with, they practiced this in private. They believed this in private. They too experienced the Spirit. And when they left the private places in which we had these meetings, they left the Spirit behind. And so did I.

I have always been one to soak up and absorb and understand other people's feelings, their emotions, the way they act. I have spent my entire life fitting in, learning the way of the populace and finding my own way to live harmoniously with as many of them as I could. That last is what has done me in I am afraid. I was trying to please everyone. It was more important to me to not offend a single person than to be honest and true to my own self.

So I saw around me people that shunned God. They shunned the Spirit. These people have been around me my entire life. I learned from them - I learned that I must not publicly embrace God or the Spirit. These things were not to be talked about, for they were not "normal".

Later in life, I was around a great many people that were of a specific Faith. I knew the majority of these people were good, wholesome people. I could sense in them a Purity. I have always had a certain thing about me to be able to get a grasp of people's nature. I do not understand it, but it is there. I had a calling. My calling was to join them in their religion. But alas, I did not.

My parents I thought - what would they think? They had another religion. Their religion was the one I had grown up with. Their religion was the one in which you practiced your religion for but an hour a week. You went to the church and you believed in God for an hour. And then you went home and no longer believed in God. But I didn't see the truth of this. I only knew that they would shun me if I shunned their religion. So I maintained.

Later in life I came to know more people of the religion of my calling. I actually knew in mere moments that some of them were incredibly good and honest and decent people. I saw in them that they would bare a part of their soul. They would deign to let on that they had religion. They would actually mention it. They lived it in their lives. They honored Sunday. They honored their family, and their family honored them. And I had the calling. I was again called to join the religion, but I did not.

Still later in my life, I was struggling greatly. The calling was strong this time. I had people close in my life that would surely have made things miserable for me if I took up the calling. I even went to a friends' home. I talked to them about their religion. They welcomed me into their home (they and their wife) and they bared their souls to me. They answered many blunt and ignorant questions. They risked our friendship by explaining to me the inner workings of their lives, of their church, of the things that they held Holy. I listened, and I didn't take it in. I didn't believe. I heard their words, but I didn't take them in and make them my own. I walked away.

Thankfully, I did maintain my friendship with them, however.

And then came some extremely troubling times in my life, a time of great sorrow and pain and searching. Over many months I struggled and ended up coming out on the other side a better person. A person of opportunity, and of fortune, a person with great potential.

Right as I was rebuilding my life, a life that seemed to surely have the most obvious signs of being a rich, fulfilling life, I had some friends who lost their jobs. They were in trouble and despair and searching for their future. And yet I was fortunate, as had happened so many times before in my life, where I seemingly by merely the luck of the draw ended up having good things happen to me.

Over and over in my life, so many countless times I had had great fortune and had things just work out for me without having to work for them.

And I had grown up seeing so many others that tried so hard and had such a troubling time in their lives. They had so many misfortunes that they had to overcome.

I certainly had some misfortunes in my life, but being honest with myself, they were few. And the majority of what I experienced in life was fortune. In fact, someone might say I had a guardian angel over me for my entire life. So very many times this was true.

So there I was, doing quite well for myself. I had most every material thing I could possibly have wanted, I had two absolutely beautiful children, and I was able to provide for them and spend time with them and share in their life.

And I was utterly empty.

I wasn't in despair, for emptiness was something I had had in my life for a very long time. I had hardened myself to it, grown used to it, even embraced it. I had let the emptiness guide my life. I wasn't taking control of the direction of my life, I was fueling the emptiness, giving the emptiness what it wanted. I was identifying what was similar to the emptiness that I had, and I sought it out to make it my own.

I think this emptiness was greed. It was haughtiness. It was many things, none of them good. I do know that I fed it though. And for this, I am embarrassed; I am shamed; I am apologetic; and I am sorrowful.

I then had occasion to go through a yearbook of mine from twenty four years ago. In reading through the various things people had written, I came across one in particular. The entry said simply:

"You are a really cool guy. I am glad I got to know you so well. I hope we have some classes together next year. Have a great Summer! Your friend..."

I have left their name out. But you can read the words - they truly are simple.

In reading them, however, I was actually overwhelmed by the Spirit. I didn't know it at the time, but that is what it was. I nearly wept the instant I read those words.

I remembered the individual that wrote those words. He was an extremely popular person in the school. He was a person that by any normal measure had absolutely no purpose talking to me. I was many orders of magnitude below him in the social hierarchy of the school. However, he did speak to me. And he spoke to me on many occasions. And he spoke to me when others were around. Other popular people. He didn't abruptly stop our conversation if people walked nearby or others overheard that he had been talking to me. This individual treated me as an equal. What is more, we had virtually nothing in common. We shared no interests that I can recall.

In fact, probably the most memorable thing about my conversations with them was that it was abundantly obvious that this individual talked with me out of kindness alone. There was no other purpose or reason for our conversations.

And to anyone reading this, it probably seems a small thing that this individual chose to use a phrase like "you are a really cool guy", that they had gotten to know me so well, or that they signed it "your friend".

I can honestly say I don't remember what the level of interaction I had with them was - I am certain we had at least one class together. I think I even sought them out to have some conversations with them because it made me feel good to have someone so popular actually talk to me without wondering WHY I had even thought to look them in the eye.

But I write this to explain that we had seemingly a very simple acquaintance, and that it was a great many years ago.

When I read their words, the memories of this individual seemingly struck me as a blow. I had a flash of memory of the times they had looked at me, of the times they had talked to me, of the simple manner of their conversation. Of the goodness I saw and felt in this person. Of the purity of their Spirit.

I felt utterly compelled to contact them. Some part of me needed to validate whether this was something only from so long ago, or if this person was still this way. If they would still have time to converse with someone that they had not known particularly well, that they (PROBABLY) might not even remember at all.

So I contacted them. Twenty four years later, they were willing to talk to me and they were very gracious in their manner.

In reading this, I would expect that most people would think that I must be a truly lonely person, one with no friends of any kind. I say this because in reading what I have written above, it strikes me - "this person must have never had a friendship in their whole life"!

I have had the great fortune to have many friends in my life, many of them for well over a decade. In some of my recent struggles in life, I had the rare occasion to actually need more help from my friends than mere words. My friends stood up and helped me in ways that truly humbled me. I learned from my friends what it IS to be a friend. I sincerely hope to be as good a friend to others in my own life.

So why then, would this very simple acquaintance from so long ago have such a strong impact on me?

I truly do not know. I mean that very sincerely.

But it did.

So I suppose in all honesty, my reaching out to this person may be seen as some form of a test. I was probing to see if, in the intervening years, this person had become hardened. If they had become callous and pompous. If, in their popularity, they would no longer take the time to talk to an individual that they had no particular thing in common with.

I again felt the Spirit when they passed this "test" (I truly hate to use that word, but in looking back, I suppose that is truly what I did. I, for some reason, needed to validate for myself that this person was STILL a good person. Why I needed that confirmation, I do not know. For myself, I am glad that they WERE still a good person, for if they were not, perhaps I would never have heeded the calling!)

I was compelled to talk to this person about their religion. So I began to converse with a mere acquaintance from twenty four years ago, who lived in another state, about their religion. This was truly a rather bizarre circumstance, and it was an odd thing for me to do.

They shared with me not only some information, but a willingness to go well out of their way to have some local people contact me and communicate more about the Church to me.

I eventually was able to talk to some teachers from the Church who came into my home and shared prayer with me. They shared information about their Faith with me. At that time, I was not feeling the Spirit. I actually felt a little disappointed for not having felt it. They left with me some of the works of their Church for me to read. I agreed to visit their Church the next day.

Immediately after they left, I was compelled to read the work they had left with me. I was compelled to read it from beginning to end. It is a fairly long work, and I was not able to immediately read it to completion, but I read what I could.

The truth of it was apparent to me. I saw beyond the words and beyond the specific details of what was written. The Spirit explained it to me.

I will now attempt to convey that which I understood from having read what I have thus far:

1. As so many people before me have said, there is Good and there is Evil in this world.

2. These works give Evil the name of the devil. All that which is truly Good in our world comes from God.

3. To truly move on successfully from this life, one must fully embrace all that is Good.

4. Through prayer and reflection, one can discern that which is Right from that which is Wrong.

5. The many words in Holy literature strive to explain just how dire things are if you fall prey to the devil. It is a complex subject - both the temptations and the repercussions.

6. Not only is it important to follow the Righteous path to be successful, but one must understand that the fullness of Time is a long time in coming. Therefore, it is not enough to save oneself. One must labor to save all that they can. This starts first and foremost with ones' family.

I am but a very very new follower of this religion, but I see the truth of this. In my youth, I actually read the Bible from beginning to end. I was very young at the time, and I am quite certain I don't retain all of it. I remember Revelations scared me quite a bit. It seemed almost as a completely different work than all of the rest of the Bible - it made the final days quite obvious in the carnage and the repercussions and aftermath. Everything up to that point I felt I could take one of many ways, but Revelations, as they say, was all "Fire and Brimstone" kind of stuff.

So having said that, I feel very fortunate in that I think the reading and understanding of the myriad works available to me will serve primarily to refine my knowledge of the truth of what we are to do in this life.

I can say this because I now see the Truth that is the following:

We have it within our selves to know Right from Wrong. We must only listen.

The truth of the preceding is so very simple.

The reason that it is NOT simple to live by and follow is equally simple - the devil tempts us.

So that is why I write what I write here. I wish to remember and to not EVER forget that if I lose my way, I must again listen to the Spirit. I must open myself to hear it, as I hear it now.

Over and over again, in the scriptures I read phrases like "hardening" of hearts. There is also the phrase "softening" of hearts.

I believe the "hardening" of ones' heart is when someone shuts themselves off from the Spirit.

I believe the "softening" of ones' heart is when someone allows the Spirit in.

Therefore, when your heart is "soft" - when you let the Spirit in, you can see the truth of the Righteous path - you can merely ask and KNOW what decision you must make, for the truth of it will lie in your own heart for you to understand.

However, when your heart is "hard" - you do not let the Spirit in, and you openly allow the devil to guide your path.

So the truth of the scripture for me is that we must always have "soft" hearts - we must ALWAYS let the Spirit in - for it will guide us. As soon as we allow ourselves to "harden" our hearts - to cut off the Spirit, we immediately lose our way and are guided by the devil.

So I find myself asking, how Pure must we be? How "Good" do we have to be to be able to succeed in this life?

And I realize, this question is one that is asked with a "hardened" heart. This question is asked by someone that hasn't yet fully made the transition to embrace the Spirit fully in all things.

Fortunately, I am close enough to that full embrace of the Spirit, that I truly believe I have had the revelation of the truest answer to the most important question in all our lives:

WE MUST BE AS PURE AND AS GOOD AS WE CAN POSSIBLY BE.

We know this in our "soft" heart. It is our "hard" heart that doesn't know the truth of this.

So I realize that I need to open myself fully to the Spirit. And in doing so, I will embark on a journey of fulfillment, of Righteousness, and of Purity.

On the course of that journey, I expect that I will progressively become closer and closer to the person I must become. Closer to the person that will succeed in this life. I know the road. It is a straight and a narrow road. And it is a rod of iron. And it leads to the white fruit. The fruit from the Tree that is precious above all.

In this life, we strive to walk the iron rod. We strive to attain the white fruit. And we strive to show others the same path.

The white fruit is a Pure life. A life without the devil in it.

I begin my journey. And the Spirit guides me.

I need only listen.