Vaction in Utah

I wrote back in my very first post on this blog about an individual I met back in Junior High (his name is Scott). Well I finally had the chance to go visit him this past weekend, and it was truly awesome!

I not only got to see him, but I also met his wife, and his five beautiful children. They invited me into their home to stay with them for the duration of my trip (which was just the weekend), and it was very enjoyable. We did a lot of talking and hanging out. Catching up, even went over the old Junior High yearbook, talking about people from our past. I couldn't believe how many people Scott knew from Junior High and High School!

I got to see another friend of mine and his wife (Karl and MJ) while I was there as well. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory, where I had to use some EXTREME restraint to not overeat. In the end, it worked out awesome, we also got caught up and the only thing I regret is not getting to see their kiddo - Max. He had RSV, so he was too sick to be with them (poor guy!). I understand he is doing better now, which is really good news.

Scott was kind enough to take me to the Draper Temple before the dedication ceremony. I believe we were there on the very last possible day to see it as just visitors without a "Recommend" (I'm still learning terminology). The Temple was absolutely BEAUTIFUL! The murals and artwork and architecture were absolutely amazing. I really enjoyed my time there. I think my favorites were the Celestial and Sealing rooms as well as the Baptismal Font. I learned a lot and I am really glad to know that Gilbert will have a Temple eventually as well.

I also visited Temple Square in downtown Salt Lake City. I met a couple of extremely nice sisters that showed me around on a guided tour. There was so much to see! I took in all I could in the time I had. I never realized how many historic structures there were there aside from just the Temple itself!

I got to see the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing on Sunday morning, which was awesome! I might have even ended up in a music video that they shot immediately after the normal session. Getting to hear them do another song (twice!) after the normal session was really nice.

I went to Church with Scott and his family - his ward was really welcoming and friendly. Everyone that spoke delivered an excellent message, and I heard a great many things I truly needed to hear. I missed my own ward certainly, but I was glad to have the benefit of Church, and Scott's ward made it very nice. Hearing Scott speak to the 17 and 18 year olds was neat as well. Scott has such a talent for knowing and remembering all the myriad details in people's lives - he touched base with everyone there, asking them how things were going, taking real personal interest in each of them. His lesson was excellent and was equally relevant to myself as I am sure it was to the young men in the class.

And my visit ended with a trip to Scott's in-law's home where we visited and had a really nice dinner. My thanks to everyone that was there, they were all extremely nice and the food was amazing! I only tried two of the jams while I was there and if I hadn't been completely stuffed I would have tried the rest, perhaps several times over! :)

She Cried

I was walking out of Lifetime Fitness the other day and the black gentleman in front of me was probably a good ten paces in front, but noticed I was coming out of the gym with two young children. He came back and held the door open as I came out.

"Thanks" I said. "No problem - I have two kids of my own, I know what it's like." was his reply.

We made small talk for a while walking toward our cars, which ended up being fairly close together. As I put my kids in the car, I noticed he seemed to not be getting into his vehicle. After I was done getting my kids all buckled in, he walks toward me, somewhat timidly...

"Do you know how to get to Chandler from here?" He asks. We talk for two or three minutes, I give him some advice on how to get there.

As I drive away I feel good. I don't even know the guy, but I had a good conversation with him and helped him find his way.

Wednesday. I eat lunch with some friends from work. After lunch, they drive away in their vehicle (I was running errands), and a foreign lady walks up toward my car, looking lost. I am already inside, my windows rolled up. She definitely looks like she was hoping to talk to me. I roll my window down.

"Hello. Can you help me?" She asks, in broken English.

"I need to find my way to 123 such and such street" she says (I don't remember what street it was, I had NEVER heard of it).

I was all ready to tell her no, I had no idea where that was when I realized I had a gps in my car and I could get text directions for her. So I put the address into the gps, had it tell me how to get there and told her - it was pretty simple as it turns out, she was less than a mile and a half from her destination.

She thanked me sincerely for my help.

Last Sunday, a friend of mine told me about her friend. Her friend had cancer. She didn't say it, but it hung in the air unsaid "...and she may not have long to live."

My friend knew I used to do photography on the side. She asked if I could take some photos of her friend. I felt a bit of a sharp pain in my heart.

You see, I have thought for probably four years now that I should really join an organization called "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep". They have photographers to take photos of young infants (often only a few days old) that are terminally ill. It is something I have intended and wanted to do for a long time, but I thought I would be too emotional to be able to take photos of these little babies. I thought I would end up doing more harm than good.

But I couldn't turn my friend down. So I told her I would take photos of her friend. We set a date to meet on Thursday.

The next day I thought about it more. We are all Spirit children from God - we are all brothers and sisters. Seeing a young infant that is terminally ill is never going to be easy on me, but I think it will help knowing that they will go back to be with God. I filled out an application to take photos of the dying infants. I haven't heard back yet.

I had a long day at work today with a lot of meetings back to back. The only way I could even go to the restroom was by being late to one of my meetings. I got home, knowing that tomorrow I fly out of state, and I need to pack tonight. I pick my kids up tomorrow morning and I need to start working very early so that I can get to my plane on time.

My mind wasn't on taking photos of someone with cancer.

I got the phone call from my friend - after talking and pleading with her friend all day, she finally convinced her to go to the park for some photos. I was to meet them in thirty minutes. I got my gear all packed up.

I was about to head out the door. I went back inside and knelt down. I said a prayer for the lady with cancer whom I had never met. I prayed that she would find her way to God. I prayed that she would know his love before she left this world, and I prayed that she wouldn't leave this world until it was truly her time.

I said a prayer for myself. I prayed that I would be able to take photos that would be pleasing to her. I knew she was VERY apprehensive about having her picture taken, for a variety of reasons.

And I went to the park. I had a wonderful time taking photos with them both. The wind was cool and light and awesome. I think I was actually able to get some photos of her being herself. My friend got her to relax and forget that I was there. Together we were able to set the stage for picture taking. I was very thankful that I didn't make her nervous or apprehensive.

I got home and I processed the photos and sent them to my friend, who loved them. She sent them to her friend. Then I got an email back about them.

The subject was: "She Cried". In the body of the email, it said "She said you made her look so beautiful! She can’t believe she is saying this, but she wants pictures to give to others and share."

I felt so good, my heart just filled with joy. To have given this lady I didn't even know something nice while she struggled with such adversity was a truly wonderful gift.

Seeing these two friends together in the park, taking photos of them, it was a really moving experience.

I think sometimes we forget that our interactions with others can have such a dramatic effect on them AND on ourselves. Someone told me recently that we should be "kinder than we have to be". When I heard that, I thought of my friend from Junior High that I had met twenty four years ago, who, through his acts of kindness helped me to find the Righteous path.

I have begun to see how rich and full a life he must have lead these many years. It is extremely rewarding to help others. I sometimes think about how many people's lives I would have touched in positive ways in the last twenty four years if only I had found my way sooner. I can't change the past, but I can certainly look forward.

She cried. And I think they were tears of joy, and happiness. Someone with cancer was filled with joy and happiness. Man that feels good.

My First semi-successful attempt at Family Home Evening

I have a two year old girl and a four year old boy. I have heard that under the age of something like six that you measure attentions spans as their age in minutes...

Up until now, I had tried reading them scripture without pictures. I had mistakenly thought that maybe my voice or inflection or excitement might bridge the attention span gap; nope. :)

So I went to Deseret books on Monday and picked up "Read and Learn Bible", "My First Book of Mormon", and "More of My First Book of Mormon". The kids loved it! :) I was able to read a considerable amount from each book for a total of about 20 minutes reading time. I was pretty happy with that. Their favorite - the Noah flood story, largely because of the animals.

Then we had family prayer time where we all prayed together. My children are still young, they were thanking Jesus for cars and trains (my son) and purple cars (my daughter), but it was certainly a start. :) At least they are now thanking him for things instead of asking for things as if Jesus were Santa Claus (that is how it used to be).

They both enjoyed it very much and look forward to the next time. :)

Mosiah Chapter Four

I have been reading from Mosiah today. I have made it to Chapter 12, but my mind keeps going back to Chapter 4. I feel powerfully that Chapter 4 is a very plain and simple message to us from King Benjamin of PRECISELY what we are to do.

The chapter is a mere 30 verses long and yet to me the message is so clear, so plain, so very compelling and True that I feel this chapter deserves my attention on a regular basis. I think I need to read this chapter at least once a month, as a reminder of what it is that we are to do on this earth.

King Benjamin was a Righteous man. He lived his life justly, treated his people well, he toiled beside them, he did not overtax them. In his final days, he was visited by an angel from God (Mosiah Chapter 3). He is told by the angel that Jesus is coming, and what will happen to Jesus. He is told about the atonement. He is told how, through the atonement, we can follow specific steps to reach salvation.

Mosiah Chapter 4, 6-8

"6. I say unto you, if ye have come to a knowledge of the goodness of God, and his matchless power, and his wisdom, and his patience, and his long-suffering towards the children of men; and also, the atonement which has been prepared from the foundation of the world, that thereby salvation might come to him that should put his trust in the Lord, and should be diligent in keeping his commandments, and continue in the faith even unto the end of his life, I mean the life of the mortal body--"

Here we have in but a single verse the explanation of what we must do to receive salvation!

1. Come to a knowledge of: the goodness of God,
2. of God's matchless power,
3. of God's wisdom,
4. of God's patience,
5. of God's long-suffering towards the children of men;
6. Knowledge of the atonement,
7. that he who puts his trust in the Lord shall come to salvation,
8. that we must keep his commandments diligently,
9. and finally, that we must continue in the faith until death

"7. I say, that this is the man who receiveth salvation, through the atonement which was prepared from the foundation of the world for all mankind, which ever were since the fall of Adam, or who are, or who ever shall be, even unto the end of the world."

Here, we learn that the man who does what is prescribed in the previous verse is the man who receives salvation. That he does so through the atonement. That ALL of us received this opportunity for salvation - everyone since the time of Adam.

"8. And this is the means whereby salvation cometh. And there is none other salvation save this which hath been spoken of; neither are there any conditions whereby man can be saved except the conditions which I have told you."

And HERE we learn that this description of how to receive salvation is the only means there is. There are no other conditions whereby man can be saved.

He gives us a wealth more information about what we must do in this chapter. Another section really stood out to me as he talked about a beggar asking for help:

"17. Perhaps thou shalt say: The man has brought upon himself his misery; therefore I will stay my hand, and will not give unto him of my food, nor impart unto him of my substance that he may not suffer, for his punishments are just--"
"18. But I say unto you, O man, whosoever doeth this the same hath great cause to repent; and except he repenteth of that which he hath done he perisheth forever, and hath no interest in the kingdom of God."

We see very clearly here just how important it is to help our fellow man. How easy it is for us to see someone in need and think our day is too busy or our burden too heavy. I intend to strive to remember this as I go about each day. Truly we know that none of us can help all in the world, but I think also that we all know we can do more than we already do.

And finally, the last verse of Chapter 4, it really drives home just how important it is to remember this (and it drives home just how important it is for me to re-read this chapter periodically).

"30. But this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds and observe the commandments of God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming of our Lord, even unto the end of your lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not."

"And now, O man, remember, and perish not."

I shall strive to remember.

The Lord can stop time itself

We all know that the Lord God can do amazing things and those of us that have Faith believe He can truly do anything.

In the last few weeks, I have had several occasions to put my Faith in God that somehow I would have enough time to do the things I set out to do. In these cases, I knew what I was doing was according to His will and His plan, and I just had Faith that there would be enough time to make it happen.

Some examples:

Buying Sunday clothes for my children on a busy Saturday where I already felt like I had no time (this was for the first time my children would have ever gone to Church with me)

Going to a friends' house for a relaxing, leisurely dinner, talking with them, letting my children play while there, and STILL getting back to my home in time for my ex to pick them up (total time spent between leaving my home and returning to my home - one hour. Yes, you read that right!)

Time for following the promptings throughout my day. I can tell you that when I first began to follow my promptings, the most common excuse I heard myself giving for why I couldn't do them was "You don't have the time!" - God made time for me!

Scripture reading. Again, my most common excuse for thinking I can't read scripture is that I think I do not have enough time. I find that the Lord stops time because I will have read a few chapters or an entire book of the Book of Mormon and scarcely a few minutes will have passed...

Time to email or blog or meet with people. Again with the "I don't have the time!" excuse that I keep hearing in my head. The good news is that I have had enough examples of the Lord fitting SO much more into my day than I ever would have been able to without His help that frankly, that excuse is really pretty lame now and I know it. :)

So I am just jumping in and doing what the Holy Ghost reminds me of, safe in the knowledge that God will make time or a way for the rest of my day to happen. This is just one of the many miracles the Lord has given me.

Have your cake but don't eat it

So I had a get together at my home after my Baptism yesterday. There were LOTS of extremely nice people that came over, and so many of them brought all manner of goodies to my home, which were shared with all.

After everyone left, I noticed there was about 1/4 of a very rich looking chocolate fudge cake left behind. It looked particularly appetizing.

I have been thinking increasingly about how our body is Gods' Temple and that we are commanded to take care of it. So frequently I had just thought about how what I was eating was truly bad for me but eating it anyway.

So I looked at it and I thought to myself... I'll put this in the fridge today. I don't have the strength of will to throw it out but I actually DO have the strength to put it in the fridge and not eat it right now. Maybe tomorrow after I am confirmed and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, maybe then I'll be strong enough.

So today I was confirmed. It was a very moving experience. I didn't realize just how moving an experience it was until I shook everyone's hand, until the Bishop asked the membership who could "sustain" the confirmation (I think that is the word he used). Seeing all those people with their hands up was very powerful...

Later I thanked my friend Mike who actually confirmed me in the hall outside of where we had Sacrament. I was so moved in thanking him that I wept.

Later in my day at Church, I spoke before the Relief Society. I read the first post on this blog out loud to them. I was so overcome with emotion that I could scarcely speak at some points, and I wept openly while reading. I know I learned even more about how I feel by reading those words out loud. I think some of those present felt what I felt while I was reading it. If there was even one person that was faltering a little or doubting what an impact being a good person could have on others then I very sincerely hope they understood what an AMAZING impact God has on people.

And later, I was at home. I had fed the kids a snack. The cake was in the fridge. And the kids were playing. I "snuck" into the kitchen. As I walked toward the kitchen, the devil did his work. "Just a bite" "Ok, a slice, on a plate..." "I'll just grab the fork and the cake and see how much I eat." "Ok, I'm grabbing the fork and..."

And there was my daughter. Daddy, come play with us!

I go and I play with my two children. Fork on the counter. We play for a while and I hear the cake calling to me. At a time when my children are occupied with themselves I sneak off. This time I am grabbing a glass to fill with milk, a fork, and I'm just going to eat that cake in a single sitting - my mind is MADE UP!

Fork in hand, glass filled with milk, putting the milk back in the fridge, there is my beautiful daughter. "Daddy, be the tickle monster!"

Milk gets left on the counter, fork next to it. I go playing with my kids, I chase them about the house, we run all over the place, the kids and I cackling with glee.

I go back "just to grab the milk"... "no cake, no, no cake, just the milk". I have the milk in my hand and the fork. I turn to the fridge. My son and my daughter arrive. "Daddy - you be the tickle monster AGAIN!" I think to myself... this must be a sign. This has been THREE times. I put the fork away, grab my milk and go with the kids to tickle them and play.

It is probably fifteen to twenty minutes later and they are pretty tired (ok, I was tired too!), we had been giggling non stop for quite some time. My glass of milk is empty. I take it to the kitchen to put it into the dishwasher. Well, I'll do that, but I'll also grab some of that awesome looking CAKE! I got the fork out. Abbie was there - "Daddy! Come PLAY WITH US!"

I put the fork away. I put the glass into the dishwasher. I went and played with my children.

I know I am overweight. I've known that for years. A radio talk show host once made me EXTREMELY angry when he said "If fat people would just not eat so much, they'd lose weight!". I remember thinking "And if you didn't spend so much money you'd have more money!" Sometimes the solution to our problems truly IS simple. We just have to listen to what we are hearing inside ourselves. I was really hoping to eat less and eat smarter and exercise more once I had the gift of the Holy Ghost. I had hoped it would speak more strongly to me after I was confirmed.

Maybe the Holy Ghost doesn't work precisely how I thought. I know I got a very strong message each time my children asked me to play. I know I was jolted back to reality after having gotten so close to my temptation.

But I left that cake in the fridge. I went to a friends' house for a very nice dinner with my kids before my ex picked them up from my house.

Once I got home, I sat down to write about the cake experience in my blog. I was resolved to throw the cake out after I had written my post. But I don't believe in writing about something I've done if I haven't actually DONE it. What if I wrote out that I had thrown it away with the best of intentions and then walked into the kitchen to do so, but was overcome and ate some or all of it. I would have lied.

So I say this to anyone that wonders what the power of BLOGGING something like this is - after I sat down here to write about the cake, I had the strength of will to go into my kitchen and put that cake down the garbage disposal before coming back to write about it.

So I had my cake... for two days... and I didn't eat it. :)

I think I can almost taste it though!

Mosiah and his message to me

In reading scripture today, there was a message for me. I write it here so that I can remember it later.

Mosiah 2:36-41

"36. And now, I say unto you, my brethren, that after ye have known and have been taught all these things, if ye should transgress and go contrary to that which has been spoken, that ye do withdraw yourselves from the Spirit of the Lord, that it may have no place in you to guide you in wisdom's paths that ye may be blessed, prospered, and preserved--"

I see this as the beginning of the message to me. I have truly seen and been taught the message. I am about to receive the gift of the Holy Ghost later today. If I should transgress and go contrary to that which I have learned, I would withdraw from the gift of the Holy Ghost. Therefore, I must be mindful of that.

"37. I say unto you, that the man that doeth this, the same cometh out in open rebellion against God; therefore he listeth to obey the evil spirit, and becometh an enemy to all righteousness; therefore, the Lord has no place in him, for he dwelleth not in unholy temples."

It is the same to turn my back on that which I know is true as to call out to the world in open rebellion against God. I know of the evil spirit - unfortunately, it has a voice in my head whether I like it to or not. If I obey that evil spirit, the Lord has no place in me.

"38. Therefore if that man repenteth not, and remaineth and dieth an enemy to God, the demands of divine justice do awaken his immortal soul to a lively sense of his own guilt, which doth cause him to shrink from the presence of the Lord, and doth fill his breast with guilt, and pain, and anguish, which is like an unquenchable fire, whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever."

This is important as well. We should all know about the atonement. I do. I have read it. But for me, it is still a little difficult. I find myself sometimes thinking of the atonement as a way to just shirk the responsibility of walking the Righteous Path. It seems almost as though you could just do what you please and then "repent" and have it all washed away. I struggled with that.

But this verse teaches me more of the big picture - of the fullness of this plan. God knows if we repent sincerely. If our purpose is to commit sin with the intent of later "repenting" to make it "ok", then that isn't true repentence - it is premeditated sin. While I believe it IS possible to later TRULY repent for having taken that action - it can only happen out of true and sincere repentence, which of course involves being sorry for our action, trying to make amends, and taking what steps we can to truly prevent it from happening again.

But it is that much more clear what happens if you fail to do this - if you continue to walk the way of the devil without sincerely repenting, you will have a "lively sense of guilt". When I read of the end in the Book of Mormon, when I read of the last days, where every man and woman knows the actions of every other man and woman, that NOTHING is hidden anymore, I was struck by just how that would feel. That every transgression was known by every soul in existence. How much guilt would we surely feel then? And if we had failed to repent, how heavy the burden to look at making amends then?

We know we have a place after this life to sort things out, but it truly strikes me how important it is to get things right now, and not just for ourselves. How much work will there be to try to help all those souls that fell prey to the devil in this life? How many people will be filled in their breasts with "guilt, and pain, and anguish, which is like an unquenchable fire, whose flame ascendeth up forever and ever."? How many friends and family members will we have to help?

"39. And now I say unto you, that mercy hath no claim on that man; therefore his final doom is to endure a never-ending torment."

I think this is pretty clear. I about it, and I shall change my actions where they need be changed.

"40. O, all ye old men, and also ye young men, and you little children who can understand my words, for I have spoken plainly unto you that ye might understand, I pray that ye should awake to a remembrance of the awful situation of those that have fallen into transgression."

I have seen and understood this message. I strive to remember the situation if I were to fall into transgression.

"41. And moreover, I would desire that ye should consider on the blessed and happy state of those that keep the commandments of God. For behold, they are blessed in all things, both temporal and spiritual; and if they hold out faithful to the end they are received into heaven, that thereby they may dwell with God in a state of neverending happiness. O remember, remember that these things are true; for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I have read things such as this set of verses many times in my life. Deep in my heart I have known the truth of living a better life; indeed I have been blessed somehow to ALWAYS have known with some small vision of just how our good actions are rewarded. I have always been blessed with some way of understanding the impact of human nature on other people, and this has granted me the ability to see the myriad impacts of both a good act as well as a bad act.

I sit here just a few hours from my confirmation. This passage has spoken to me powerfully. I think I truly understand the covenant of my Baptism - my promises to the Lord, the result of transgression, and the blessings I will receive for following them.

I am extremely thankful and humbled.

My Baptism

I literally couldn't believe there were so many people there...

Between my Mormon friends that I have made over the years and the new friends I have made within my ward (and unbelievably to me, some people that actually came from other wards that didn't even know me), there were a LOT of people there.

I felt very at peace today, for pretty much the entire day. Having my good friend Danny perform the Baptism was a really good feeling.

Everyone was EXTREMELY nice and I thank them all for having shared today with me, be it the Baptism itself or time at my home afterward.

I am really looking forward to tomorrow when I receive the gift of the Holy Ghost from my confirmation. As I have said before, I have felt extremely close to the Holy Ghost in the last month, but I have learned that my time with the Holy Ghost right now is more like brief moments in time rather than the embrace I will receive tomorrow.

I write this realizing that if I live my life correctly, tonight and tomorrow morning will be the last hours of a life without the Holy Ghost's constant presence. After my confirmation, I will have the Holy Ghost with me always, provided that I continue walking toward the Righteous Path.

So then, I write what those brief moments with the Holy Ghost have been like for me, since I may forget later what it was like to have the Holy Ghost only for brief moments in time.

For me, when the Holy Ghost is truly with me, I can feel it. I get chills, my heart swells up; often I am brought almost instantly to the brink of tears. Sometimes it would be tears of joy, sometimes sadness. I think for a while I thought those were the only two simply because there were tears coming to me.

But the most amazing emotion that sweeps over me so strongly when the Holy Ghost suddenly comes to me is AWE. This is something that I hope I never lose.

When I hear a story about a little child that had no real chance but their parents pray and pray and pray and have Faith and do everything they can... When I heard that against all odds the child made it. That the actual events that transpired to allow the child to live were just crazy odds, but they happened and that is how the child lived. When I hear that testimony and I absolutely SEE that the person giving the testimony is awestruck and thankful and joyous and beside themselves with the miracle they have received, I get that sense of awe right in my chest. I don't even know how else to describe it than awe...

It is beyond joy, it isn't sadness. It isn't even directly Faith I don't think. It is like acceptance that it was indeed a miracle, that the person testifying truly experienced it, that they received it because of their Faith, that God reached out to help them... all of that rolled up together. How else can I describe it than AWE at the incredulity of it all?

So I go to sleep tonight knowing that this is the last night spent with mere glimpses of, mere brief moments of my time with the Holy Ghost. From now on I will have the Holy Ghost with me always - helping me, guiding me, showing me the way.

The way down that Righteous path, the Iron Rod, the way to the Tree, the one with the white fruit. The fruit from the Tree that is precious above all.

An actual, honest to God, true miracle in my own life

One of the hardest things in dealing with my ex when we were married was that she simply refused to compromise. On ANYTHING. She wouldn't reverse her decisions once her mind was made up.

So last night when I had my conversation with her about my going to a Mormon Church, things got bad kindof quickly. As I alluded to before, I had pretty much expected her to do everything in her power to keep our children from going to a Mormon Church.

I think she noticed the changes in me though. And I think last night she must have thought about that.

This evening, she called me on the phone and basically said that she had thought about what we talked about last night. That there were far worse things that could happen to our children than them experiencing the Mormon Church. She actually told me she was ok with them going to Church with me!

I have always heard that the Lord works in mysterious ways, and to me, this is one of the most mysterious ever.

But I'll take a miracle when I get a chance, that's for sure! :)

To Deny thy Lord thy God

If I had to describe my life up to the time before the missionaries came to my home, I would have to say it was primarily that I lived to avoid conflict.

There is a lot that happens (and that you choose to do) if you live your life that way.

Let's say I had a ton of copied movies in my home and someone was over to my house that did the same thing. I might show them all my copied movies and ask them which one they wanted to watch. I might even offer to let them have a copy of a movie or three. Maybe I would ask them for a copy of their copied movies...

Let's say I still had a ton of copied movies in my home but then a friend was over to my house that DIDN'T copy movies. Let's even say that they really disliked the act of copying movies! If I was trying to avoid conflict, I wouldn't bring up the subject at all. I certainly wouldn't preach that it is ok to copy movies. If they asked to watch a movie, I'd see what was on TV or offer one of the movies I DID buy.

That all seems pretty simple in a way. But what if things got more complex?

What if the second person ASKED me a point blank question about whether I had copied movies? What is the first person AND the second person were at my house at the same time? Would I have to asked the first person to not let on that I had copied movies? If the first person mentioned something about copied movies, would I deny that I had them rather than end up with a confrontation with the second person?

Life isn't always simple. As I began to read scripture, the message truly seemed very simple to me. I'm not saying I understood every word or phrase or the symbolism behind everything I read, but the BASIC concept of knowing what is right and wrong and DOING what is right seemed very simple.

Then I had an opportunity to see the Joseph Smith film at the Temple (with the missionaries) some time back. It was during that movie that it REALLY began to sink in that there are real world consequences when certain people learn that you have Faith in God or that you are a member of the Mormon Church. I wrote before about how Peter denied Jesus.

I myself have begun to have "temptations" or "trials" in which I might have denied my Savior Jesus Christ, or my Church.

The first was my Mother. I knew she didn't like the Mormon (LDS) Church, but I didn't actually realize quite how strong her opinion was until I shared with her that I was going to Church again, but this time it was a Mormon Church. She talked to me about how the Church was a cult, how some people were killed for trying to leave the Church, about how a Bishop had told the wife of an apparent child molester to not say anything and to stay married to him. She told me of how a friend of hers tried to leave the Church but actually had to hire a lawyer to have his name removed from the Church "rolls" (her word).

The second was my ex wife. She actually noticed the major changes I have made in terms of my interaction with her. I forgave her for everything she had done to me, and I apologized for what I had done to her over the course of our marriage. She is applying for increased child support and rather than fighting it, I am trying my very best to do what is right. Then she asked me... What Church have I been going to?

Before I talked to my Mother about my going back to Church, about my joining the Mormon Church, I had considered just hiding it from her. That would be avoiding conflict. That was the easy path. But I am going to be Baptized tomorrow, and I felt it was pretty important to at least TRY to talk to my Mom about the changes in my life. I felt that if I had specifically gone out of my way to NOT let her know about joining the Mormon Church that I would have been denying my Faith. So I told her, even though that CREATED conflict. It was the right thing to do.

Before I answered my ex wife's question of "What church have you been going to?", I briefly considered avoiding answering her or even lying. You see, her hatred of the Church and her belief that it is a cult is so strong, that I feel certain she will actively seek to PREVENT my children from even going to Church... But again, denying the Truth is the same as denying my belief in Jesus Christ.

I feel bad that in each of these two situations I had a brief period where I considered denying my situation. But I am VERY thankful that I had sufficient Faith to go forward and tell the Truth!

ABCDs of Sin

I need to talk to the Missionaries again to get the literal letter/word meaning here.

The basic gist of it is this:

1. Acknowledge that you have done something wrong
2. Be sorry that you did whatever it was (truly!)
3. Find a way as best you can to make amends for what you have done wrong
4. Take steps to not do that action again (don't make the same sin twice!)

I've been working through a great many of my sins from before I found the Righteous path. I've also been working on the sins that had become habit. I think I've dealt with all but perhaps two of those.

I still find myself "embellishing" the truth from time to time. What that comes down to is plain and simple lying. However much I might like to candy coat it, the Truth is the Truth is the Truth. I know what the Truth is, and I need to honour it! This is a hard one for me - I have found that when I tell stories of things this is one of my most frequent times where I do this. I'll just throw in a little detail here or there to make the story sound better or more interesting. I think it started along the same lines as telling a joke - people tend to add things to jokes over time to make them sound funnier. I would do the same thing with simple stories - things I had seen people do that were funny, things I had done that made for a funny story. I always thought of them as "embellishments". Nothing harmful I thought. I'm all over this now. It is hard - it had become a real habit with me. But I am taming it, and it feels GOOD. I keep reminding myself I need to set an extremely high example for my children. It is ALWAYS better to teach them by example than merely by words!

And my children... Sometimes I think I set my bar too high. It is SOOOO easy to look around in society and see how "most" people treat their children. It is so difficult to teach them and take the time to do it "right" sometimes. What guides me most here is my memories from when I was a child. I remember what it was like to be yelled at. I remember what it was like to be spanked. I have learned from a great many sources just how "quickly" you can bring a kid into line by yelling or by spanking them. TALKING to them takes longer. But I know in my heart that this is the right way to teach my children, however trying it can be sometimes. I am INCREDIBLY blessed that my two year old daughter is smart enough that I can actually explain WHY I need her to do something, and she will not only understand, but she will comply. This is hardest for me when I am stressed or in a hurry. I wrote some time back about when I had to go buy a toilet plunger late at night when my kids should really have been in bed. I was feeling stressed and I was feeling the pinch of time. When the first store didn't have what I needed, I felt it even more. As I was buckling my kids into the car to go to the second store, my two year old daughter could TELL something was wrong, and she asked me about it. I was short with her, I told her I just needed to get her buckled in and that "Daddy just needed to get to another store". I really need to find the peace of mind to not be short with my kids - when they ask questions and want to know what is going on, when they want to know why Daddy is acting how he is, I need to TAKE that time, I need to talk to them. I have so little time with them these days compared to how it used to be - I need to make the most of it!

And I needed to talk to my ex wife. I had grudges against her. I had things that she had done to me that were really bad injustices. There were things she had done and said to our children that I don't know if I will ever be able to reconcile for myself. I had really been thinking of her as a horribly evil person through and through. I had lost sight of several Truths. She was and is a child of God just as I am. Since our divorce, I have seen her make some real efforts to change things, to change the course of her life. I have also had the clarity to see that she has good in her, that even while she had done things that I personally couldn't believe, that she had other good things she had done for the good of the family. And I saw that in my hatred of the way she had treated myself and the children that I had fueled a vision of her that wasn't accurate. I had let myself build her wrongdoings into something more than it truly was. I had let myself treat her worse because I thought it was "ok" given what she had done to me. I had let myself stop treating her as a human being - as a fellow child of God, but rather as a person I hated, as a person that I no longer sought out good things for. I had at times actually taken heart in bad things happening to her rather than realizing she was just a Spirit child trying to find her way in this world. I gave her a TRULY heartfelt apology. I let her know that I knew I had done things that I wished I had not. I let her know that it was my intent not to do that ever again. And I also let her know that even if I had had that revelation while we were still married that we just weren't meant for each other, that we weren't meant to be married. She agreed. Apologizing to her, thinking about doing that, bringing myself to actually do it, that was HARD. It had been so easy to think to myself "she did so many things to ME, so whatever I did to her was ok! It was NOTHING compared to...". But that wasn't Truth.

Some days back, I woke up in the middle of the night remembering some scripture:

"Whatsoever you do to the least of my brethren, THAT, you do unto me!" (my emphasis)

I am really striving to understand and act on that. I am trying to live my life by that.

I felt very emotional after I had apologized to my ex wife. She apologized to me as well. I also told her that I forgave her for everything.

In the end, I TRULY felt better for having done this. It healed some things inside me that I don't even know that I could put into words. I just know I am a far better person for having done this.

Faith Untested?

I've been busy, but this morning I am taking some time to get caught up with some posts I've been meaning to make.

As it turns out, my dinner the other night ended up NOT being a test of my Faith, as I had expected. It was just a nice dinner and time spent with my parents. My Mother cooked an awesome meal, we got caught up (they had been out of town a lot over the last month), and I think we all had a really good time. :)

So I think this one got shelved for another day.

The Test of Faith

This evening I shall be tested. I know this already. I will be dining with two people that know of my recent joining of the Church and they feel that the Church is a cult.

I intend to listen to them with an open mind, to talk to the Spirit, and to answer them with what my heart truly tells me.

This day has been coming for some time now, I think it is best that it happen now.

More later.

Faith

This past week has been very busy for me - things going every single day. I have been experiencing a lot more joy in my life, meeting new people, making new friends, and getting closer to God. My Baptism is now less than a week off, and lately my thoughts have been focused squarely on Faith.

Recent Sacrament and other Church talks have been about Faith, and I am glad of that. Some of those discussions served to tell me more of the Church's view on Faith, and some of them served to show me how other individual people felt about Faith. One individual that gave a talk last Sunday seemed to have had some very trying times in her life, and I have to say she was dealing with her current situation far better than I think I could, she was amazing.

When I was very young (in early grade school no less), I had a Sunday School teacher tell me something I haven't forgotten to this day (bear in mind, this was a Catholic teacher). She explained to us that we could live our lives however we wanted, do whatever we wanted, right or wrong, but if, in the end, at the VERY LAST MOMENT, we put our Faith in God, we would be saved. The various children in the classroom asked questions like "So if I was about to die in a car crash and I had Faith in God right before I was killed, I would be ok?" and the teacher answered "yes". I think she even quantified it something along the lines of saying out loud that you believe in Jesus Christ, and meaning it.

That discussion revolved around the whole idea of going to Heaven or Hell. At that point in my Catholic education, they hadn't really talked to us much about Purgatory yet. But I walked away with some very unhealthy thoughts. I figured none of the education or actions in my life mattered, so long as I expressed my Faith in God at the last moment, and I kindof focused on trying to "remember to have Faith" right at the end. For a short time, I was worried about whether I forgot, because (according to her lesson) I would end up going to Hell. But as time passed, I didn't even care about that so much. I mean, who ELSE in this world even cares about such things, other than those crazy religious zealots of the world?!?!?

Well, I'm concerned about the subject again these days. I don't know if that makes me a religious zealot or not, but I don't really care, I intend to continue thinking about this subject, and changing my actions and activities according to my beliefs.

So then, Faith. What is Faith, really? From where I sit, I think Faith is a many faceted thing, maybe even a path of varying levels of Faith. But to me, the ultimate end state of Faith is absolute, unwavering belief in where we came from, where we are, and where we are going.

Being truthful, I am confused about my current state of Faith.

First, I believe very much that it matters in this life what we do with ourselves, how we act, what we do, how we treat others. Along those lines, last night I remembered a scripture word for word from my youth - "Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that, you do unto me" (Matthew 25:31-46). This was Jesus talking about how the way we treat others represents how we are treating him.

Second, I believe that our actions in this life affect what happens to us afterward. It makes sense to me that if you are a bad person or you treat people badly that you will end up reaping the rewards or punishments of those actions. There are times in my past where I have felt that death in this life only leads us to becoming dust - that there is nothing after.

I think that is the crux of my difficulty with Faith.

I have taken a great many courses on science and read even more. My brain seems wired more toward logic than to Faith. I try to figure things out for myself and have them make sense to me in ways I can understand TANGIBLY. And that is the whole thing about Faith - with Faith you can believe in things you haven't seen. You can believe in things you don't yet understand.

Albert Einstein said "I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice." - to me, even this person able to actually predict the mechanics of the Universe had a belief that there was a higher being. Albert Einstein was VERY critical of religion, and many countless quotes from him essentially belittle the concept of praying to a "supernatural being".

Einstein said "The desire for guidance, love, and support prompts men to form the social or moral conception of God.". For me, this is one of the problems I have had with religion over the years. It is easy for an atheist to understand the fear of what happens at death, for an atheist has no belief in anything other than the finality of death. Therefore, to picture belief in God forming out of a desire for guidance, love, and support makes sense to an atheist.

I have recently found myself in the odd position of having Faith in the right of how we should act in our lives, of the Truth of there being a life after this one, but a difficulty in believing in the life before this one.

Thinking it through though, this is what I have come to understand, and to believe:

1. We were spiritual beings in the life before this one, we had no bodies.
2. God offered us a chance at having a body, but he explained that if we were to accept the gift of a body, that we would forget much (all?) of what we knew.
3. We were born and live today, with bodies. We learn HOW to live with a body.
4. There are (as it says in the Bible) many temptations of the flesh. It is those very temptations that cause us to stray from the iron rod, from the straight and narrow path to salvation.
5. If, in the end, after "enduring to the end", we reach either the end of our life or the last day, and we have lived Righteously, then we will be saved.

So, with this in mind, I remember something else that I learned in my youth - something "taught" to me, but which I inexplicably VERY STRONGLY disagreed with.

Freud said that babies were born a "Tabula Rasa", or "Blank Slate" - that only the experiences of their environment shapes and forms who they become - that the experiences in their environment ultimately determine what decisions they make.

I absolutely have always believed this to be false. I have, from a very young age, always felt that we have a core being inside us, something that is who we "really" are. We have a moral compass inside us, something that knows right from wrong. We certainly IGNORE that compass from time to time, but it is there, and I believe that very strongly.

With my own two children I have seen things that boggle my intellectual (scientific?) mind - children know how to dance before ever having seen it. I -*VERY*- strongly believe this. Children know how to move to music and how to appreciate it before ever being taught. Babies can even sing (in their own words) to music before they have any form of language, or learned understanding of what singing even IS.

And then there is the absolutely UNIVERSAL fact that people everywhere in the entire world look as children as something different - something to protect, something deserving of more - something that is innocent and pure, and WORTH protecting.

So I find myself wondering if we enter this world a bit closer to our spiritual selves that we were before than people traditionally think about. If, over time, our environment and exposure to this world "taint" us to the point that we become less pure, less innocent, less deserving of "protecting". Bear in mind, I am not saying that "tainted" people are not worth protecting - I am just speaking to the general world view that seems to change as a baby becomes a small child and transitions into adulthood.

So this is a long way of saying that for me, at this time, I believe in God, but sadly, for me, that belief in God comes primarily from tangible things I have experienced in my own life. I picture a time when I believe in God wholly independent of any tangible experiences I have had in this life - that is the level of belief I am striving for. I think that so long as my belief is founded on the tangibility of things in this world, I run the risk of having that belief (that Faith) faltering when times get hard. This is something I need to work on, something I need to pray about, something I need to read about.

Faith is a gift. Faith is what lets us see the truth of the scripture instead of it being a collection of words. I believe that the more strong and complete your Faith is, the more complete your vision and knowledge and CERTAINTY of how you must act becomes.

So now, when I look at random people on the street, I have been reminding myself that they started their journey as a spirit walking with God just as I did. They may have had a harder life experience than I did. Their Faith may be less (or more!) than mine, but we are the same in the end - we are siblings of Jesus.

Motivational Passwords

I had been meaning to write this for a week now, but I thought I'd get it out there now since I just thought of it again.

In my work and personal life, I use a lot of passwords. Some of them are kept on the computers I use (in other words, I don't type them in every day) and others I use all the time.

During my divorce, I chose to use some passwords that exemplified how I felt about my ex wife. Without really thinking about it, I typed those passwords in on a daily basis, over and over and over.

During my journey, I have been changing those passwords to more healthy. At first, I sought merely to change them to something "not unhealthy". Then, when I reflected on how much of an effect typing those negative passwords over and over had on me, I decided to seek out an entirely new password process.

At my work, I am required to change passwords fairly often. I have already learned that passwords can have an effect on me through the repetitive typing of them. I will now use motivational phrases in my passwords - focusing on something that I need to do in my life.

Then each time I need to change my passwords, I will reflect on how well I have accomplished that goal, or addressed that thought. Then I will choose another appropriate message for myself.

Just a thought.

The Christmas Spirit

In the back of my mind, I have known that I need to talk to my parents about my journey. I have known that I need to tell them about my upcoming Baptism, as well my upcoming trip to Utah to visit a friend (and to see the Draper Temple).

One of the things that seems most difficult about this will be answering the question "why?" in a way that they will understand. It has been over a week now that I have known that "because this is the right path for me" is sufficient enough answer, but I have longed to communicate more of what the foundational reasons are in a way that they would actually understand.

This morning as I was going about my day preparing to go pick up my two wonderful children from my ex wife, I remembered something as I was thinking about the Spirit.

A long time ago - some time in the late 70's I believe, when I was a young child, I experienced one of the most memorable Christmases I have ever had. I have no recollection of a single gift I received, I don't recall who was over for Christmas, save my immediate family, and I don't even remember what we ate that day.

But I won't ever forget that Christmas.

My Mother was in the choir at church. It was a Catholic church. She really enjoyed singing in the choir. I remember it was a very dramatic change because instead of sitting in church with my Mother and Father and siblings, my brother and sister and I sat there with our Father while my Mother was in the choir for the entire service. I would look at her and the other people in choir throughout church service and they all seemed like good people.

My Mother was happier than she had been in quite some time. I remember she went to choir practice - I don't remember how often, but it was VERY odd for her to be away from the family. She really enjoyed it though. She made really good friends with another couple in the choir. I can't remember back far enough to remember their names, but I can almost see their faces. I rememeber these two people were touched with the Holy Ghost. Even as a small child I could feel it. I could feel their influence on my Mother, and later, on my Father as well.

The entire season leading up to Christmas that year was special. My Mother was in tune with the Spirit and somehow, in a rare miracle, my Father was as well. I remember my Mother talking to him about her experiences with the people in the choir, and he was supportive of her, and even seemed to enjoy being involved with them himself. There were Christmas games they played with each other in the days leading up to Christmas - thoughtful gifts left at our doorstep with naught but a doorbell ring to let us know it was there. No tag to say who it was from. As a child, I was filled with wonder about all of this.

Looking back, I distinctly remember what a special time that was for our entire family. We were all VERY close to Jesus that year, and Christmas was so much more about Jesus than it was the gifts and everything else.

But some time after Christmas, that all ended. I don't even remember what happened. I think perhaps the couple that had brought the Holy Ghost into our lives moved away. I was too young to really remember what happened.

I intend to talk to my parents about that Christmas. I have no doubt they will remember it - it was an extremely special time for our entire family. I think I'd like to find those people again if possible, to thank them for having touched my life so long ago.

From now on, I want EVERY Christmas I have to be touched by the Christmas Spirit like it was that time so long ago.

Cleaning house

So..........

I've given this some thought before posting this out here in the open. I didn't consult a lawyer first. Who knows, maybe this is a bad idea, but I'm gonna put my Faith in God that sharing this with the public at large is of more good than hiding it would be.

I guess I'll start with what I think is the more "common" thing people do.

I had a TON of mp3s from CDs I don't own. I deleted those mp3s earlier tonight. ALL of them.

I have an iTunes account and tomorrow I'll be buying music there. I'll also be making mp3s of the few CDs I actually do own. All the music I listen to at home and in my car will be music that I have compensated the artists for. And that is the right thing to do.

So, continuing on here...

I had a BUNCH of movies I didn't own - copies, on a computer, waiting to be watched. Now I honestly DO own a ton of DVDs and Blurays, so I have compensated a lot of people for movies I like, but the point here is - for all the ones I hadn't bought, I was effectively stealing money from the people that worked on the movies.

And, I had a LOT of software on my computers that I hadn't purchased.

I have now deleted all of that, purchased legitimate copies of the software I need, and reinstalled everything from scratch on my computers.

It took me a while to get the nerve to do this, but I eventually got there.

Technology these days makes it so easy. Too easy. Using technology, it is possible to steal pretty much any song anyone has ever made, any movie ever made, and any software that exists for computers. You can do this from the privacy of your own home and while it is POSSIBLE to be caught, it isn't very likely.

During the course of my journey, I have come to realize the hypocrisy of trying to tell my children not to steal while I steal from others myself. At first, I tried to justify it to myself. I tried to think of ways I could explain it to my kids.

For some reason, for me, picturing what it would be like to be a child having their parent "explain" to them why it was ok to steal software (or movies, or music) just makes it SO clear. How is that child going to feel about their parent?

I mean SURE, kids love free things, and what kid isn't going to like free music and movies? Is that what we want as parents? To teach our children selective right and wrong? To actually ENDORSE outright theft of things like music just because "it's cool"?

I've decided I don't want to be "that" parent. So I'm cleaning house.

Autopilot

[Excerpted from a letter to a friend]

What would you think if someone told you they were living their life on autopilot? Me, I think I would have thought that was really bad.

But what if it was a completely different kind of autopilot?

What if the "AI" (Artificial Intelligence) in the autopilot was actually the Holy Ghost?

I have tried this, and it is amazing! Basically the idea is to follow all those "feelings" you have throughout your day. Every time that "little voice" in your head tells you you REALLY should go do such and such or so an so... you actually DO IT! It is odd, but it actually makes for an easier and more satisfying day. :)

I had an interesting thing happen to me the other day. A friend of mine was sharing a web article about facebook - about how some people were having tons of "normal" friends on facebook but then later having their boss and family ask them to be friends. So at that point, one night of indiscretion (with photos) and they could be in a really bad way what with their parents and boss seeing it and it talked of people even losing their jobs over this sort of thing.

Then the article explained how you could group your facebook friends into categories. You can have friends that can see everything in your life, then you can hide certain things from your family, and from your boss. Or you could even hide specific things from specific friends. All sorts of controls exist to manage this kind of thing.

And then I thought about the bigger meaning of this as it extends to real life. Think about that for a moment! You basically end up hiding from your own family who you are because you don't want them to know. You portray yourself one way to your boss, another to your "close friends", another way to other people, etc. etc.

My kids are such imitators. I think all kids are, it is part of how they learn. They teach me so very much, my kids do. And I think about them a lot. Especially lately. I think about how to teach them the right of things. How to make sure they KNOW the Truth of it. I think about how I have to teach them in such a true manner that they not only teach their OWN children, but it goes further than that.

That facebook example just kindof cemented it for me. So very much of the conflict I have when I think about these things is SOLVED if you follow the Righteous path yourself. I had given my friend (the one that told me about the facebook article) the advice: The best way to solve that problem is to not do things that you don't want people to know about.

And I realized that this was the advice I needed to give myself. The BEST way to teach my children the right way to live their lives is most assuredly NOT to tell them. It isn't even to point them at the Bible or the Book of Mormon or the Church.

The best way for ME to teach my children how to live their lives is to live my own life the best I possibly can. To follow the Righteous path to the fullest of my ability. AND to do those other things - to talk to them, to share the scripture with them, to share the Church with them.

Up until I had this revelation, I had known with certainty that the Church was the right path for me, that I would eventually become a member of the Church, but I didn't feel I was ready to be baptized. I felt I had more to learn or something more to do, I wasn't sure of what.

The realization that I needed to live this life not only for myself but that I played a large part in how my children and their children's children would be as people, somehow this was the final answer I needed.

A few nights ago, I got a sort of reality check as well. I went to the Temple in Mesa and watched the Joseph Smith movie they had there. I thought I knew some things about his life from what I had read up to that point, but I had NO idea!

In my reading of the scripture, I thought so many times how easy it would be to follow God if you had the Lord Almighty manifest himself in front of you, if you had an Angel come down from heaven to guide you, if Moroni came into your bedroom to speak to you. And I thought of how many times Nephi's brethren lost their way AFTER having witnessed so much blatant PROOF of God! Even Lehi lost his way! As I read those scriptures I found it almost mind boggling that these men could lose their faith after the proof they had witnessed.

Then as I watched the movie last night, it really hit me, the truth of it.

We all have things that try our faith in this life. Many of us are very VERY fortunate to not have so many things try our faith as Joseph was tested. Seeing his life and thinking about what it must have been like for him, putting myself in his shoes, it just blew me away. Even those of us that have the very MOST faith are tried again and again.

It really taught me that I must be ever vigilant. So easily could I lose sight of the path, so easily could I lose my way. I am reminded of the closeness to the Spirit that I had in my youth, and how I forgot it, how I turned away.

I told a friend the other day that I felt Joseph Smith had endured nearly as much as Jesus Christ had. Bear in mind, I read the Bible a LONG time ago (when I read it cover to cover), so I had actually forgotten a lot since then. My friend reminded me of the garden of Gethsemane, and pointed me to some scripture. He told me of how Jesus had sweat blood from every pore. I truly didn't remember THAT, but in reading a little of the scripture, I did remember Peter. And I remembered how I had felt when I had read about him so long ago.

How Jesus had told Peter that before the cock had crowed thrice that he would deny him. I remember that. I remember when I read that and was POSITIVE that Peter would never do any such thing! Peter! He was so faithful!

And then in the face of what they did to Jesus, he did just that. Even as I read it as a child, when he denied Jesus the first time, I felt so bad. I couldn't believe it. And then he denied Jesus twice more.

I think about that and I think about the movie last night. No matter how sure we are of our faith, we will be tested. The devil is remarkably tenacious.

I liken it to the portion in the garden of Gethsemane where Jesus asks his disciples to watch and pray. And he keeps coming back to find them sleeping. I have had times in my life where I have been so tired I could scarcely stay awake. I picture Jesus asking me to stay vigilant, to watch and to pray when I was that tired. I hope I could do as he asked, but at the same time I know how much of a struggle it would be.

So for now, I am focused on following the Spirit as it guides me, and I am thankful that God has given me a relatively easy path to follow just now. I am hopeful that before my road becomes more difficult that I will be more accustomed to following the Spirit and will be able to stay on track.

The little things...

A couple of quotes to start off with:

"Some people are stumbling over the big things in the dark, while others are wiping the dust off the furniture" - a new good friend of mine

"The Lord won't give you anything more than you can handle" - The Bible?

The first quote has to do with people that haven't "seen the light" yet. They are stumbling around in the dark, unable to see the big picture yet, and they are really struggling with some of the big things in life. I certainly don't mean to imply that I am now dusting off the furniture, but I would DEFINITELY say that I was recently stumbling over the big things! My recent enlightenment has moved me further along the path, and I am thankful for that.

The second quote is one that again, I have heard it again and again, to the point that its' relevance is all but lost on me. One of those phrases that I hear or think about and go "Oh, it's the saying that says such and such... ok..." rather than thinking about the MEANING of it. I think this is a danger all of us face in words that we hear too often. When our hearts are "hardened", we fail to embrace the words and seek out their meaning. It becomes so easy (for me anyway) to just stumble over those words, reading them, realizing the meaning of the INDIVIDUAL words, but not even trying to look at what the "big picture" meaning of them is. To risk possibly having a revelation of a new or different meaning by thinking about them again. For me, this is kindof a laziness that I have - if I have "already" learned something, I tend to be "done" with it.

As I write this, I realize I need a third quote, one that has some amazing relevance to me as an individual:

2Nephi28,29-30
"Wo be unto him that shall say: We have received the word of God, and we need no more of the word of God, for we have enough!
For behold, thus saith the Lord God: I will give unto the children of men line upon line, precept upon precept, here a little and there a little; and blessed are those who hearken unto my precepts, and lend an ear unto my counsel, for they shall learn wisdom; for unto him that receiveth I will give more; and from them that shall say, We have enough, from them shall be taken away even that which they have."

These are words that I know I individually must read often. I need to remind myself of their meaning and I need to find a way to not glance over these words and lose their significance.

I am one that needs to continue reading. I am one that absolutely CAN NOT say "I need no more of the word of God, for I have enough!" - for that will be my downfall, and I can feel it. Therein lies my personal devil; that is the method of my undoing, and I see it even now, so I must fight it.

So in the last few days, I had felt that I was not experiencing any more great revelations or amazing new insights or similar things. In thinking this, I felt it wasn't time to post on this blog because up until now, the revelations I have had occasion to share were extremely powerful to me. I felt it necessary to wait until something similar happened to post again. I have realized since then that this is a blog on which I need to post periodically. This is a journal of sorts, and I think a lack of posting here is a sign that I have strayed from the Righteous path, as my doubt in recent days has been.

Therefore, I share some things that are NOT insignificant, but rather are QUITE significant. But in my zeal to go down the iron rod in leaps and bounds, I lost sight of the small steps we all must take.

I have been walking with the Lord. I have been aware of Him throughout each day since I had that sincere revelation. This is an amazing and a wondrous thing. There are times that I wish I didn't know he was there, for he commands me to be Righteous, and the devil does tempt me to falter. But I have remained true to the path, and I need to remember how special it is not only that the Lord walks with me but even moreso - that I recognize it!

For me, one of the biggest benefits of knowing that I walk with the Lord is that I seem much more in tune with the promptings I receive. Much more willing to act on them. I have received so very many promptings in my life up to now and I have been so willing to embrace laziness and ignore them up until now.

What I say now, I say for myself to read for all time:

Following ALL of the promptings throughout a day is an AMAZING thing! It is like having someone at your side the whole day long guiding you down the correct path. At the end of such a day, you can look back and know that you have done Good. You can look back and know that your next days will be easier because THIS day you did what you should have. And if you follow the promptings the next day, they will be even easier the next.


For me, promptings cover the entire gamut. I had a prompting to give a specific message to two people. That one I resisted for a while, it felt so odd to me... More often, the promptings I receive are the knowledge that that "little chore" - that "small task" - that "thing so easily put off until later" is something I need to do right now. And if I do it right now, it is done, and I feel good for having done it. And I am not reminded later that I didn't do it. And I don't put it off the next day, and the next, and the next. All the energy and negativity of thinking about not having done something - GONE. And all the benefits that come from actually DOING that task, those benefits are here, and they are real, and they are tangible, and they are Good.

So, a couple of examples. I write this both to remind myself and to possibly help others as they walk down this path.

The first one, not so pleasant - the bathroom toilet...

Yes, it was backed up. And on the one hand, I was blessed that it never overflowed. On the other hand, it was backed up. And my Mother was coming the next day to watch my children while I went to some training. And the toilet was backed up. And it was 8pm at night, and I had no one to watch my children. Fortunately, the kids hadn't quite gone to sleep yet, they were in their pajamas and IN bed, but they hadn't fallen asleep yet. So I put shoes on them and I took them with me to a local CVS pharmacy very close to my house. My thought was that I could get a plunger and get out very quickly because it was such a small store. It had no plunger. So I packed the kids BACK into the car and I took them to a grocery store where I searched and ALSO failed to find a plunger. I was looking in the section with the toilet bowl brushes and felt certain that that is where it would be if they had one, and they didn't. Just as I felt the grip of despair and the knowledge that I was going to now have to drive several miles to yet a third store, I turned around, and there on the other side of the aisle, were plungers! I would never have thought of a toilet bowl plunger as a blessing, but at that moment, it definitely was! Fast forwarding to the point in time where my children were in bed, asleep and the toilet was back to normal, it had taken some effort to get the kids packed up in the car to visit two stores at that time of night, but I was really glad for having done it. I slept a lot better last night as a result. Now rather than handing over the house to my Mother with a real problem, I hand it over to my Mother with NO problems. I feel much better for that.

Finally, I had another prompting to talk about. Yesterday morning, I had a prompting to invite a new friend in my neighborhood over for dinner. I was to invite he and his wife and son over. I had an extremely busy day going at work and I knew I was going to have a lot of work preparing dinner for three other people. I don't normally do the whole "x number of courses with condiments and plates and silverware for everyone". What I usually do is I fix two things for myself and my children, I prepare their plates and put their plates on the table and we eat. Usually by the time I sit down to dinner, I have everything I got out to prepare the meal put away - in the pantry, the fridge, or the dishwasher.

So I was in nearly five hours of meetings for work yesterday and realized it was going to be late before I could call my new friend to invite them over. Part of me wanted to do just that - so my friend would say they already had other plans or had already eaten and I would get out of having to prepare the meal. But instead, while I was on the phone, I texted him and invited him over, and he accepted. Which was good. I knew in my heart that I needed to do this.

I had a meeting get canceled on me (actually moved to the next day is what happened), and that gave me some extra time to prepare. I scurried about and got everything ready for them to come over for the meal. I didn't have a meal anywhere near as nice as what my Mother usually prepares, but I did have hamburgers and hot dogs, tater tots, corn on the cob, some beans, and fixin's for the hamburgers.

It took a while to get everything finished preparing and in doing so, I did end up with some overcooked buns in the oven (they really dried out). That was the one casualty. We still used the buns and I think everyone enjoyed the meal (I certainly did).

It felt amazingly good to "host" dinner at my house. I can't even describe how good it felt - I knew it was something I needed to do, and I felt so much better for having done it, regardless of the work involved.

When the meal was over, I had a really good time talking to my new friends and they even helped me clean up the dishes and everything. We sat down and talked about a lot of things including the Church and some scripture.

I don't know specifically what I needed out of having them over for dinner, but I know I needed to do that yesterday. I feel so much better for having done it, and I think it has gone to start a good friendship with them. I found some surprising common interests with them that I sure didn't expect, and I think our future together as friends is a nice one. :)

So I just needed to sit down and write this all out this morning to remind myself that sometimes when I am in the middle of living my life, and following the path, that even though I may not be having unbelievable revelations of the magnitude I first did when starting the path, amazing things do continue to happen.

My life is better for following the promptings and for knowing that the Lord walks with me. And perhaps even more importantly, my childrens lives are better. They made a new friend yesterday! :)

And He walks with me

Another Revelation.

Last night I prayed. Out loud. I haven't done that since I was in grade school.

I opened my heart and I got some answers. It didn't manifest itself the way I had hoped, but I hope for too much too soon.

What I learned last night was simple fact. I have read it in the Bible in my youth, I have seen references to it my entire life, but I never took the simple reality of it so truly to heart as I have now.

In scripture, it often says "as God is my witness". In scripture there is talk of those moments where people experience the Holy Ghost or the Spirit or even God Himself.

There is a poem that has (and I pray will continue to) ALWAYS given me chills as I feel the Holy Spirit. I don't know if I was initially so young and innocent when I first read it as to not expect the outcome before it was revealed, but I was truly taken aback by the poem. That poem is entitled "Footprints in the Sand".

Every reference to that Poem that I have seen before this morning has always said "Author Unknown". Today as I searched for it, I found what is apparently an official page, one that gives reference to the apparent actual author. I intend to read more later on, but for now, here is a link to the poem:

Footprints in the Sand

Again I say - that poem, throughout my life, has always brought the Spirit close to me. It has never once failed me.

Yet I still did not see the fullness of its' Truth.

The plain and simple Truth is this - the Holy Spirit is with us always. Yes, I know we have read that and "know" it. But for me, I wasn't taking it to heart.

I have ALWAYS throughout my entire life had a simple problem. I have sought to blame others for this problem, but the problem is my own to bear. I have lived a dual life.

When people are around me, I have lived my life one way.

When they are not, I have lived my life another.

I have always thought - no one is here right now, why must I follow the same principles as if they were?

I have actually seen True worldly impacts of this line of thinking. Children are the most innocent and True imitators I have ever experienced in Life. My son, who is a mere four years old, has begun to pick up on some of the things I have done when "people aren't around". This has some extremely negative implications that I didn't even realize until this writing. For one - I was discounting my own children as people to live up to a certain standard around. Who was I to judge at what age they would suddenly warrant my living to the same standard as the rest of society?

I had even pondered having discussions with my son explaining how he needed to act one way when other people were around (because frankly, it embarrassed me) and another when they weren't. The interesting thing is - even though I thought to have that conversation with my son several times, I never did. I could see through his eyes the falseness of it, even if I wasn't willing to see it through my own. I could see that to try to explain this to him would confuse him. I could see that he would ask a question for which I had no answer - "Why"?

So it is with great Joy that I have discovered an amazing Truth this last night! It is such a simple Truth and it has been with me such a short time, and it has given me such direction and purpose and satisfaction.

The Holy Spirit is with us always. As we know, the Holy Spirit, the Holy Ghost, Jesus Christ, God Himself, they are all one in the same.

So the ramifications of this are simple, but many.

1. We are never alone.

2. God bears witness to everything we do, even in private.

3. The concept I have had all my life of "seeking out God" if I wanted help, of "calling out to Him" if I had some major need in my life, this is all quite ridiculous. God is with me always, inside me. I need not seek Him out, I need only ask.

4. The knowledge that I am never alone is comforting and it provides me with something I have been missing in my life - direction of what to do in my "alone" time. For reasons I cannot explain, I no longer feel so lost when I am alone.

You see, after my recent divorce, I now have times in my life where I do not have my children with me. This weekend in particular; It is my normal weekend without the children, but additionally, I do not have them today, on Monday, as I normally would (because today is a holiday). So this will end up being three days in a row without my children.

I had thought I would be spending the weekend alone, and I was quite loathe to experience that. My first thought was to go seek out various forms of distraction so as to not dwell on this fact.

But now I am actually comforted, knowing that He is with me, and so I go about my household chores this weekend without the heavy heart I had expected. I go about my days with purpose and with fulfillment.

He truly does walk with me.